I’m Struggling, and I’m Grateful: A Tale of Two Truths

The gratitude won’t cancel out the struggle; it’s not meant to

If I scroll back through my photos of the last year, there is a clear delineation between joy and suffering. In truth, I suffered an unexpected but significant loss. From that moment forward, I tried desperately to hold onto my joy, but the impact of the loss pulled me down into anxiety and depression.

I tried to approach the loss from a place of optimism. I looked for silver linings. I hustled to get back on my feet. I tried to make peace with reality while attempting to take control over my circumstances. I floundered. I failed. I found joy leeching away.

I began to have panic attacks. Daily panic attacks. There were certain triggers. Any store could set one off. Certain lighting. Some sounds. It became easier to stay home. When I’d go out, I’d find myself whispering, breathe, breathe, breathe in an attempt to soothe my badly damaged nervous system.

My fitness routine ground to a halt. I did little more than take care of my family, work, and sleep. I put on weight and searched for the motivation to do anything about it, but I was sinking. I helped other people, but I could not help myself, and I could no longer afford to reach out to my therapist for help. I needed bootstraps to pull myself up, but I couldn’t find the will to do it.

But on the outside, I kept my world spinning. I put on a brave face. I searched for silver linings and tried to summon joy whenever and however I could.

I know gratitude is essential to uncovering joy. The truth is this: I am struggling, and I’m grateful. Both things are true. They do not cancel each other out.

A Search for Silver Linings

This year has been an uphill battle for survival. Yet, there have been extraordinarily beautiful things that have also occurred this year. I made some powerful strides, even in the face of enormous setbacks. I can admit that things are still hard and also find gratitude for the things in my life that keep me going.

I’ve even found gratitude in my struggle. I’m not thankful for the pain, but I’ve unearthed a few lessons from the experience. I have more clarity about certain areas of my life. I might not have any real appreciation for the circumstances outside my control that set me on this downward spiral, but I do appreciate my strength, resilience, resourceful, and tenacity in the face of it. Even when I’m struggling to stop a panic attack in its tracks. Even when depression keeps me in bed when there’s much to be done outside of it.

I’m doing the best that I can, and it’s enough. It has to be.

How to Show Support for Those Struggling

Struggle and gratitude aren’t mutually exclusive. Both things can be true. Too much of the time, people assume that when we admit to struggling that we’re not being grateful. That’s not at all true for me. Many of us are capable of simultaneously feeling both things.

We don’t need to be reminded to be grateful. We don’t need to hear how others have it worse. We truly don’t need to be told that the struggle makes us stronger.

We need to know we are cared about and supported through our struggles. We need validation for the suffering more than we need reminders to count our blessings. We need to know that we’re not alone while we’re hurting.

When Gratitude and Struggle Coexist

Gratitude also doesn’t cancel out the pain. Counting our blessings doesn’t necessarily negate our very real suffering. Finding gratitude is important. It gives us perspective. Even more importantly, it gives us purpose, hope, and something to hold onto when life spins out of control. It can keep us grounded and remind us that no feeling is ever final.

I’m going into a season of gratitude with this thought firmly at the forefront of my mind: I am struggling, and I’m grateful. I can’t pretend that everything is peachy, but I also don’t plan to drag my misery around to make everyone else miserable. I find the balance. I focus on my gratitude. But I don’t ignore the struggle either. It’s as real as my sincere appreciation for what I have.

Our true power doesn’t lie in pretending everything’s fine when it’s not. It’s in accepting that maybe everything isn’t fine, but we’re still here and still trying. We don’t let the bad stuff eclipse the good in our lives, but we’re also self-aware and mature enough to realize that the good stuff doesn’t always cancel out the bad either. We let them coexist and hope one day that joy will manage to overshadow the hard things. Until then, all we can do is wake up every day and decide to try. Today, it’s enough.

Today, I’m grateful that I’m still here and still trying.