I’m Struggling — Am I the Only One?
Wasn’t summer supposed to be the happy season?
Of course, I’m not blaming summer. But I did expect more of this season, especially with the beautiful sunny (and warm!) days we’ve been experiencing. I may not be Irish, but you do get a bigger appreciation for warmer days when they’re so scarce.
No, the weather isn’t the problem. I don’t quite know what it is. Is it hormonal changes? That’s my best guess, although it’s probably wrong too. I’m too young for menopause (or so I’d like to believe), but I have finished my breastfeeding journey recently enough (does May counts as recently enough?) after over three years of non-stop nursing my two young ladies. Is that enough to account for how low I’m feeling? That’s the basket I’m putting my eggs in for now.
A broken sleep pattern might be the culprit
My husband has another theory. Since weaning our youngest, she has decided she’s old enough to sleep through the night. Can I hear a hurray? Hurray! For a baby who was waking up hourly every single night, that’s a big step. However, she also has decided that since she doesn’t wake up at night, she needs fewer hours of sleep, so she’s up at 4 am every day. She sleeps at 8 pm and wakes up at 4 am. How that’s enough sleep for a two-year-old human, I don’t know. It isn’t enough for me.
My husband and I take turns waking up at 4 am. So one of us is up with the toddler, while the other can enjoy a luxurious lie-in until about 6 am. Let me tell you, it does feel luxurious. But that’s where his theory comes in. He thinks our bodies are still trying to get used to more sleep, but the interrupted pattern makes the transition harder.
He’s up to something. Every other day you can see our moods changing. Whoever wakes up early has the big dark bags under the eyes as visual proof… and it also comes with disturbing mood swings. Taking all the fighting, winning, and crying from the kids is much harder. It’s much harder to cope with daily life too. So even if it isn’t the culprit of my overall low mood and self-doubts, it’s definitely contributing to it.
Whatever it is, I don’t like it
Perhaps my husband is right, and the broken sleep pattern has something to do with it all… even though we’re both technically sleeping much more than we were for three years straight (twice as many somedays).
Or perhaps, I’m right, and it has to do with hormonal changes. Although, I do know my husband is also feeling low, and as far as I’m aware he didn’t nurse our daughter at all.
Whatever the reason for this low mood, I don’t like it. I feel like an inadequate mother, guilty about every single thing I do during the day. It seems I can’t make a good choice. I feel bad as a wife, after all, shouldn’t I bear the brunt of taking care of the kids? Why do I need my husband to suffer alongside me? Rationally, I know he’s also a parent to our kids, and there’s nothing wrong with sharing responsibilities – in fact, it should be the norm. But when I’m low, I blame myself for that too.
I feel inept as a woman, a friend, a professional. It seems like I can’t do anything right, anything that’s worth something. I can only see the failures, and I see too many of them. I can only question my shortcomings, and I’m incapable of seeing any improvements.
As the cherry on top of the cake, all my body insecurities come back to haunt me. I feel ugly, fat, and unworthy. I have a desire to eat healthy, but at the same time, I crave fat and sugar. And although normally I can balance my cravings, I’m not great at it now. I’m struggling.
There’s obviously an imbalance. Is it only psychological? Is there something physical? Is there anything that I could do? Is it the weather, hormones, or sleep? Whatever it is, please, stop. I want to feel some joy. I need to feel some joy.
