I’m Still So Shy When It Comes to This
How vulnerable and open should I be?
As a writer and storyteller, the juicier the story the better, right?
When looking through my medium drafts I am shocked at how many I have written and not posted. While there is a multitude of reasons why I haven’t published many of them- there is one main theme that I never seem to be able to publish.
Sex, my sexuality, and anything to do with this topic have always interested me- but I get cold feet when it comes to bringing these pieces to life.
Why? I question.
Am I still carrying shame from my past or fear about how I will be perceived by others? Will people think I’m just being attention-seeking? Will I not be taken seriously?
All these things run through my mind.
But I also occasionally want to write about these topics.
How vulnerable and open should I be?
Writing about this also reminds me of a story about an interaction I had with someone. It got me flustered, mainly because of his direct questioning of a story I was telling. It put me on the spot and I answered his question with complete honesty. I couldn’t help feeling slightly caught out though.
He asked me if women ever turned me on. I don’t know why it got me so flustered, but I blurted out yes like I was confessing the deepest secret you could ever imagine.
Clearly then I still had a lot of work to do on myself, but this work continues to this day and sometimes I still question why this part of my identity has been so hard for me to come to terms with.
In a lot of ways and many settings, I still feel uncomfortable sharing that I am bi-sexual. And really, it shouldn’t matter what my sexuality is.
Sometimes It makes me feel shy though, or uncomfortable, or vulnerable.
Other times I feel empowered by my sexual orientation, but those times are not as often- and I often wonder why I am still so shy about my sexuality.
Maybe it is because in the past I allowed myself to be fetishized for it.
Maybe it is because I still feel like there is something a bit not right about me, that I am a bit of a perve or something.
Maybe it is because even after writing about it I haven’t allowed myself to publish articles on these topics, fearful of being judged.
I can hear myself overthinking every aspect of this part of my identity, and why?
How vulnerable and open we should be is a question that should be purely left up to us. We shouldn’t allow other people to pressure us into sharing that what we feel uncomfortable sharing.
I’m growing a bit tired of my self-restrictive tendencies when writing about sex and or sexuality in my work though. I don’t want to feel like I have to hold back in any way if there is something I want to write about in these topics.
Sex and sexuality have been big parts of my life and I don’t want to keep holding onto shame about these things.
Maybe I just need to be more patient with the natural evolution of my writing.
Maybe I will become more trusting and open with time.
Maybe my shyness is just a part of who I am.
Who knows?
Perhaps I will push myself to write about these things more soon.