I’m Sorry Your Nana ‘Dyed’ In A ‘Comma’ — Feedback On Your Grade 6 Creative Writing Essay

I’m sorry for your loss of literacy, Melissa.

Thank you, Melissa, for trusting me with this sacred and utterly devastating memory in your personal narrative essay. It must have been gut-wrenching when your beloved Nana died in a coma. I’m very sorry for your loss. I can only hope this experience taught you to never lose sight of what really matters in this harsh world — the ability to write well.

When revising this draft, remember what I taught you in class — Show, don’t tell. This will make your writing come alive (unlike poor, dead Nana☹) for your reader.

For example, you wrote:

After Nana fell down the stairs, she dint move. She was breeding all over the place. She was in a comma.

I can’t picture the fall, Melissa. Did she plummet? Ricochet off the walls? Crash? Flail? What did you hear — thumping? Agonizing screaming? It must have been a nightmare! Also, was she in a coma or unconscious? I’d look into that.

Hmmmm… you said she was ‘breeding’ all over the place. That seems unlikely. I think you mean bleeding, Melissa. Describe the blood. Was it gushing from her head? Spurting? Trickling? Did anyone slip in the blood? These are the details that will keep your reader interested.

Remember my lesson on clichés and how they make writing stale? Here’s an example of one you used:

I was so scarred. I was defiantly shakking like a leaf.

Instead of this, describe your terror and trauma in your own words. E.G., I clutched my throat with my hands and tried to scream but nothing came out. See the difference? A reader can definitely feel that you were scared in that description without using a cliché. Dig deep.

I really like this sentence:

I fell to the floor crying and I coudnt catch my breathe. 😊

Now we’re getting somewhere, Melissa! Crack yourself open like a coconut so the reader can feel your anguish. Wonderful stuff!

Here’s your turning point when you realized Nana was a goner:

The paramedicks tried to regurgitate my sweet Nana but she dyed. I was in shocke.

BOOM! I felt your pain there. Run with this, Melissa. The paramedics cannot resuscitate her. Your Nana has died in front of your eyes! Nana was your favorite person in the whole world. You will never play BINGO with her again. Of course you were in shock! Describe the horror. Find your writing voice! This is your opportunity for writing gold.

Now… on to the funeral! You wrote:

It was really hard to see her in the coffen.

How hard? When I read that sentence, I didn’t feel a thing; in fact, I almost fell asleep. I want to shed a tear or feel the hair on the back of my neck stand up — make that happen for me: Did you freak out? Sob? Wail? What was it like to see Nana’s stiff corpse? Did you reach out and touch her cold, dead hand in the coffin? Add description here so I can picture your complete and total devastation, Melissa.

In the last section of your essay, you wrote:

After the funeral, I stayed in my room and dint go to school for weeks. I coudnt sleep or eat. I was sad.

Sad? It sounds to me like you were clinically depressed. Describe your demise. Did you flunk out of school? Turn to drugs? Get kicked out of the house? Live in a gutter? What did you learn about yourself, Melissa? Tie up these loose ends to keep your reader engaged.

I look forward to your revisions. Remember, your job as a writer is to evoke a reaction and create a picture with words. Keep your reader in mind as you re-hash the worst moments of your life. P.S. Please use the spell check!

Again, please accept my condolences, Melissa. What a terrible loss! Have you considered a support group? They can be very helpful. I think you’d benefit from one called, Write it Down. If you let yourself be vulnerable and do the work, I think it will help you hone your writing skills during this tragic time.

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