avatarLaura Bower

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I’m Sorry For What I Said To You When I Was Depressed

Unsplash: Paola Chaaya

It wasn’t me. The words came out of my mouth, but that was someone else.

During my darkest days of battling depression, it was basically like a space invader who inhabited my body.

From my headspace to the dark circles underneath my eyes, I was no longer a person I recognized. My motions soon became slow and sticky. Even the most mundane tasks, like washing the dishes or grocery shopping, started to feel like a marathon.

Depression can do that to you — it will cripple you of everything you once cared for. Things that you once loved doing will be pushed aside. A loss of interest in the most basic necessities will no longer matter. Dark thoughts will cloud your mind.

And you can unintentionally hurt the people you care most about.

I never wanted to hurt a single person while I was hurting inside. It just happened. I withdrew and then became angry. So angry. My irritability was like a knife that slashed through those I cared for most. I wanted to keep everyone out, so I said some nasty things. Hurtful things.

But it wasn’t me.

I built up a wall around myself in the hope that I would be left alone. All I wanted to be was alone. I was suffering, why would anyone even want to talk to me? To spend time with me?

I told you lies. I told you to leave me alone, to get away from me. I told you I was just tired and that everything was fine. I told you that it was all your fault. I said that you should just walk away from me if I’m so much trouble. I called you hateful. I said you weren’t understanding. I said I didn’t love you.

I’m sorry for the things I said to you when I was depressed. That wasn’t me. Now, this is who I am:

I never want you to leave me alone. I value your support. I have learned to manage my depression but there are days when I do struggle. I still get tired. There are days when it does feel like too much, so give me a little grace if I don’t seem like myself. You were never hateful; I understand how hard it can be. Depression is never anyone’s fault. I have always loved you. I was just scared.

Loving someone with depression is hard. So, thank you for loving me through my darkest days, even if you didn’t quite understand what I was going through at the time, you saved my life.

Be Open
Mental Health
Depression
Mental Health Awareness
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