I’m Sorry, Dad... I Had Only One Tear for You that Day
Unidentified feelings of a person with Aspergers to his abusive father's death
I didn’t rejoice over your death. Really, my heart didn’t sparkle in merriment when you finally left us. Not either shockingness or sadness at that moment...
I could only sit coldly and numb looking at your body at the funeral, lying stiff and frozen, lost its soul. I was too amazed to see that tough figure, the old retired soldier who used to be full of power, sturdy and autocratic was eventually defeated too by a sudden illness.
Yes, a week before, suddenly you told mom that you’re feeling uncomfortable with your stomach. Mom took care of you as she usually did. You didn’t want to go to hospital. You only wanted a family doctor to handle you who unfortunately had already died at that time.
We had to slightly coerce you to get medical diagnosis for appropriate treatments. When you kept rejecting, without your permission, we call an ambulance. Then, something we didn’t dare to do to you for years, we made our own decision to your body. We brought you no matter you screamed and raged.
Even in frailty, you could still yell loudly. I don’t know… Maybe your army life had formed you to be extremely tough and stubborn like that...! But you shouldn’t bring those manners into the house, to our lives. Home is not a battlefield, no needs to be the ruler and have ultra control over others, no one to be beaten and commanded!
Living under your dominion was like in hell! Abused verbally and tight rules was our everyday life. There was no peace at home under the presence of your arrogant figure.
Yes, almost everyday we could hear your grumbles, door slamming, plate shattered!
You might tend to do those all cruelties to express your uneasy feelings, to pour out your dissatisfaction, to show your power over us! So easy for you to explode! It’s like a habit for you to complain, to snarl, to rumble. It’s always in the same pattern; an high pitch of growl that was like sudden terrified lightning, a rant of everything, curses, insults that were so hurt to hear and the annoying and unclear rumblings which would seem to have no ending. Even the day after the incident taken place we could still smell and feel the infliction.
One person amongst us triggered your anger, even for a little failure or our unintentional annoyance may result all in the house became the target of your furiosity! We painfully fed up but too scared to rebel.
That afternoon, all looked in grief. I even saw mom getting hysterical when the ambulance brought your dead body home! She had relentless tears and too weak to accompany you to the cemetery. My sisters and brothers appeared sad. But…it seemed only me, the littlest kid who was not crying...!
I wondered why I didn’t feel that extreme shock and devastated feelings? I didn’t know exactly what was my feeling…?!
I know people will usually cry when someone they love dies, but I couldn’t understand why my mom and my siblings could have those sadness after what you have done for almost the entire life of us with you? I knew for sure, almost in many occasions, mom confided desperately to other family, to neighbours, even to vegetable sellers about how she felt so tormented to life with you. She told them how this man’s anger, rage and fear filled her life for years? I also knew how my brothers and sisters really hated your cruelties and authoritarian character.
Maybe I’m too young to understand the meaning of death... But, not really! I was just turning 20 that time.
And I know exactly that I am not a cold-blooded person or psychopath to just feeling satisfied to see you finally died. But truly, I couldn’t feel that pure sorrow? Or, was it my Aspergers Syndrome that had truly blocked the sad, loss and empathic feelings? Yes, it could be that… It's said that Aspies can't recognize or express their true feelings toward something.
Or maybe I’m too vindictive over your tyranny, therefore my unconscious mind telling my brain that no need to cry for you, you don’t deserve a tear for me? Or I have no love at all, especially love for you. Love a son to his father? Or maybe it was due too much people at home that moment? I'm always feeling uncomfortable around people and often don't have clear feeling in the crowd.
I could only remember to wipe a tear to see the last soil covering your corpse. And, still, I even don’t know for what that my tear falling was...?! To never be able to see your figure again? To never be able to hear your voice for the rest of my life? It seemed the tear didn't have meaning on me...
Did you know? In association with you, I could only define my crying as hurt, disgraced and fear. I could only cry when you're mad on me since I seemed to never be good enough for you. You didn’t teach me to cry for your leave… You only taught us, your children to hate you, to feel fearful of you, to be submissive under your orders!
Back home, I only thought there will be no more tension in the house. Our life ahead would be less stressed. All are ended.
But, had you really gone after your body was buried under the ground? Was I happy? Was I relieved? Did you truly leave us without any residue? Not really!
Indeed, there was no more grumbles, growls and rumbles in the home. But, did you know? Unconsciously, for weeks I could still hear those your terrifying voices!
It took months for your terrifying figures to disappear from my mind, from my soul...from my dreams. Yes, since you left, you still always came into my dream, scolding me, degrading me, cursing me! Maybe that is the name of psychological trauma...
And took years for this trauma to completely disappear from my brain...!
You have gone for almost twenty years now. Though you’re still my nightmares in some of my anxious periods and I don’t feel the pain you had made anymore, your influence to my mental and my present life still remains.
Your horrific treatments have formed my adult life as a whole so tiring and depressing. It has been impacting me in the way I face my life. I believe to have Asperger Syndrome and Social Personality Disorder or Avoidant Personality Disorder. I' always struggle encountering new things, in making any decision and dealing with any obstructions in life which re often so overwhelming. I’m anxious and scared in public place... Every coarse and high pitch sounds always remind me of you! I will get those fast heartbeats, quivering and sweating when hearing someone snapping or a car tire exploded!
Absolutely, you have really broken me in every aspect of my life! I’m sorry, I will always blame you for these circumstances. However, I couldn't say those traits of my Asperger Syndrome are caused by you. It might be that I was born with this ailment genetically and you had made it worse...!
What things clear is that my childhood was unhappy with you. But I’m proud, I’m quite strong to endure these mental sufferings and traumas, and wise enough not to be rude to other people like you did in my past.
I’m sorry for not crying on the day you died, not to try to love you this whole of my life, not to try to miss your figure. I still hope I could cry for your death. Really, I couldn't replicate that same feeling of grief, loss and heartbroken as when my cats die.
Honestly, I feel really guilty for not having all those feelings for you. I hope one day I can feel that missing of you… I’m sorry too if I can’t always be your pride. I have had so much failure.
I still fight to make a peace with myself and forgive you. You are wrong, but my inner wisdom can’t and shouldn’t say I hate you, but sorry I still can’t love you.
I know behind all your violences, your cruelties, your hard character, you are a victim, victimized by war. Or maybe you grew up in an unhealthy relationship with your parents? I don’t know. I didn’t even have much time to dig into your past life as we don’t have that emotional closeness at all…
It has taken me a long time to get to this thought where I can now say you never had an issue with us. You have always had problems with yourself.
I only pray for you to have peaceful mind there in the afterlife. I believe no war there. Rest in peace...