I’m So Happy You’re Alive

A story dedicated to all those battling mental illness.

“The two most important days in your life are the day you are born and the day you find out why.” — Mark Twain

Just in case no one has told you this yet, I’m glad you were born.

I’m happy you’re still breathing, especially when every breath you take feels like you’re inhaling saltwater. I’m glad you’re still battling your demons, even after they’ve defeated you time and time again. Sometimes, it may seem like you’ll never win — so it brings me immeasurable joy to know that you haven’t given up, even if it feels like you have.

I know you haven’t.

Because if you truly gave up…

You wouldn’t be here reading this right now.

I know how hard it can be.

To some, your accomplishments may seem minuscule. What climbing a mountain is to you seems to be a walk in the park for everyone else. It might make you feel lesser than, weak, or flawed — like you’re defective somehow.

I’m here to tell you, you’re not.

You’re in the middle of a war that no one else sees, and you’re constantly fighting battles within it. We’re supposed to be our closest allies, but that’s not the case when the enemy you’re fighting is your own mind. You can’t run from it, either. It’s always there.

No matter where you go, what you’re doing, and whether you’re by yourself or around other people — it’s always right there with you. Before you know it, a bomb drops on you. Surprise attacks you never saw coming strike from every angle, and it takes everything you have to not succumb.

You didn’t ask to be this way, to think this way, to feel this way —

But you do.

Some days are easier than others, and sometimes you win a few battles in a row. You can see the light at the end of the tunnel; a small ray of hope. However, just as quickly as you saw it… it disappears again.

It seems like, no matter how hard you try, things will never change.

It’s almost like your mind plans this tactic, sets you up for it. It’s the perfect way to decrease your morale. It’ll give you a brief break, lay off for a few days or weeks, and right when you least expect it — boom.

You’re right back at it again.

Smoke is all around you, and you’re suddenly surrounded by enemies. You can see the shadows of figures growing nearer, and their battle cries are the words you’re the most afraid to hear; the words they know will hurt you down to your core.

Soon, they’re close enough to where you can make out their faces.

You see the faces of the ones you love, your closest friends, and your family. Some wear the faces of your coworkers or strangers you’ve passed on the street. And sometimes…

They’re you.

Maybe you scream out a battle cry of your own. You know you’re going to go down anyway, so you might as well go down fighting. You charge in and fight back — hoping you’ll at least take a few of them down with you. Still, it feels useless. They know all your weaknesses, and they exploit every one of them.

Maybe you don’t fight them. Maybe you allow them to take you over, wash over you like a tidal wave. You try to roll with the punches and take it with as much grace as you can, but you feel like you’re drowning. You can’t breathe. It takes all you have to try and keep your head above water. Before you know it, you’re sinking lower, lower, and lower…

Until you reach the bottom of the ocean.

You scream, but no one can hear you. You cry, but your tears only add to the water you’re already drowning in. You try to swim, but your arms and legs feel numb. You reach out, hoping and praying that someone or something will be there for you to grab a hold of —

But your hand comes back empty.

And yet… you’re still here.

It may not feel like it to you, but I see you as nothing less than a miracle. With all you’ve endured and how hard you have fought — the fact that you’re still here is astounding to me.

You’ve climbed mountains, and sometimes you fell right back off of them. But you got back up and kept going. You sailed treacherous seas, and sometimes your ship went under. But you still somehow made it back to shore. You fought battle after battle against a formidable enemy, and sometimes you lost miserably. But you still lived to tell the tale.

You’re still here.

Do you have any idea just how strong that makes you?

I know it doesn’t feel that way (I personally used to hate it when people called me strong), but it’s true. You’ve had every opportunity to give up. You could have turned away from everything and refused to turn around. You could have made a decision you’d never be able to take back; you could have chosen to run away from it all and stayed gone.

Maybe you even tried.

But you’re still here.

You’re a miracle.

I know it’s hard, and I know the pain can be unbearable at times. Believe me, I’m right there with you. But that’s the very reason why I’m thankful you’re still here. I’m glad you’re still breathing, still fighting, and still taking on this crazy thing we call life each and every day because… you give me hope.

Because you’re still here.

It’s people like you who remind me that I’m not alone in this — that I’m not the only one fighting against this foe. It’s people like you who inspire me to keep going, to share my voice; to spread the word where the world has fallen silent. It’s people like you who give me the strength to keep climbing those mountains, even if no one else around me sees it.

It’s people like you who remind me what exactly I’m living for.

I’m so, so grateful to you for that.

Never give up.

Far too many people before us haven’t made it, and it’s the loss of them that pushes me forward today. People who got me through my darkest days, such as Chester Bennington and Chris Cornell, to people I have loved and lost in this war whose names never made the news — they’re the reasons why I’ll never stop fighting. I won’t give up.

Not until we win.

Not until we come out the other side of all this with purpose.

With answers and solutions.

That light at the end of the tunnel which seemed to always elude you — you’ll reach it. The hand you reached out that came back empty — won’t. All those thoughts, fears, and negative emotions that completely consumed you…

They’ll fade.

Nothing in this world lasts forever, including the bad times.

It may feel like you’re all alone in this, especially when the dark days stretch out for what feels like eons.

But you’re not.

There’s an entire community right at your fingertips, and help is sometimes just a single phone call away. When all seems hopeless and lost, I promise you — there’s a new dawn right around the corner if you can just hold on a little bit longer.

I know it seems like lifetimes have passed you by. The mind can play cruel tricks on you that way, convincing you of things that you know aren’t true.

All you have to do is open your eyes.

Please, never give up.

Keep going.

I’m right there with you, even if you can’t see me.

We’re in this together.

Thank you so much.

I’m so thankful you’re still here with me. I’m so grateful you’re still fighting alongside me despite everything life has thrown at you — despite everything you’ve thrown at yourself — to try and make you quit.

You’re not defective; you’re a warrior. You’re a light that’s still shining despite all the darkness that tried to smother you out. You’re a living, breathing miracle.

I’m so glad you were born, and I’m so happy you’re alive.

It’s my sincerest hope you’ll soon find the reason why.

And, once you have?

Never let it go.