I’m Proud of My 9-Year Employment Gap
I don’t care how it looks— staying home with my children was worth it
Nothing I did in the second half of my 20s was resume-worthy. My 30s were headed down the same path, but I was ready to change that. When I dusted off my LinkedIn profile hoping to return to the workforce, employers were understandably nervous about an undocumented decade.
Where had I been? Had I been fired and collecting unemployed this whole time? Was I in jail? Worse — was I so technologically stunted I still used a flip phone?
No to all of it.
I was a stay-at-home-parent.
And to some employers, that’s the worst option of all. According to a 2018 study, well-qualified applications submitted by moms with no employment gaps were interviewed 15.3% of the time. Those that were fired and unemployed for over a year got called 9.7% of the time.
Just 4.9% of stay-at-home-moms trying to re-enter the workforce earned an interview.
Yeah. I would be twice as likely to get hired if I’d’ve been fired instead of choosing to stay home with my children.
Stay-at-home-dads suffered approximately the same fate.
For a long time, I tried to sweep my huge employment gap under the rug. I knew the stats (because I do have an internet-capable smartphone) and I know employers tend to view stay-at-home-parents as uncommitted to their careers.
But now I’ve changed my tune.
I am proud of what I did with those years and I certainly wouldn’t trade them for a more attractive resume. In my opinion, nothing could’ve prepared me better.
Becoming a stay at home parent isn’t that unusual
Leaving my job was a gut-wrenching, heart-breaking move, but if I’m honest, I didn’t have too many other options.
Before my son was born, I was working as a 90% employee, which meant I had a lower salary than my full-time peers and had no benefits or access to maternity leave. My husband was a grad student and we had no nearby relatives or close friends who could babysit. Between the outrageous cost of infant care in my city and the discount rate I was earning at my job, the math just didn’t work out.
It was cheaper for me to quit my job and stay home with my kids.
This isn’t the origin story of all stay-at-home-parents. My mother stayed home with me and my brother, mostly because she wanted to be there for our early years. Other parents — both men and women — feel the societal pressure to stay home or have never started on a career path. Some want to give homeschooling a shot. Others retire young.
Whatever the reason, a whopping 18% of American parents stay home to raise their kids. A full 27% of mothers don’t work outside the home.
It’s not for lack of education, either. 29% of stay-at-home-parents have a college education. (For the record, about 37% of Americans with or without kids have a BA/BS or better.) Demographically, we’re not all that different from anyone else.
Chances are, you’ve met someone who’s given up their career for their kids.
Then there’s that old chestnut about parenthood being the hardest job in the world.
There’s some truth to it, but I wouldn’t go so far as to use the superlative in all cases.
Some days I pushed a stroller around the zoo, taking pictures of penguins while my kids munched Cheerios from a zipper bag. Those days were pretty chill.
Other days, the thanklessness, relentlessness, loneliness, forced introspection, and general lack of intelligent human interaction turned my brain to Swiss cheese.
It’s true — stay-at-home-parents (moms in particular) are at a higher risk of depression, anxiety, and rage than employed women, whether or not they have kids.
And we’re told we must appreciate our roles. Raising our beautiful children must be the highlight of our lives and we should soak up every moment. Hashtag gratitude.
It doesn’t always feel that way. But sometimes… sometimes it really is the best, hardest, most rewarding job in the world. And no matter how you slice it, it really is work.
I spent those nine years juggling two kids, a spouse, a house, a dog, finances, schedules, appointments, playdates, illnesses, meals, homework, holidays, laundry, and countless scraped knees all on my own.
And somehow I’m still standing.
If that’s not grit, I don’t know what is.
Hiring ex stay-at-home-parents should be a priority
When stay-at-home-parents send their youngest off to school and realize they finally have time on their hands, they often feel adrift.
They’ve been self-sufficient for so long and with so little career support, they often feel like society is done with them. They’re spent. Put a little checkmark next to the line item of providing cultural value.
That’s why I didn’t list my job title as ‘Mom’ on LinkedIn. I kept my work history (or lack thereof) close to the vest until now.
That’s what I was always told to do, because no matter how hard I try, no matter how qualified I am, the fact still stands: employers don’t want to hire stay-at-home-parents.
Maybe it’s because they are considered too family-focused and employers fear they won’t take a job seriously. Maybe they think parents haven’t been working on themselves or have become lazy. Maybe it’s some deep-seated misogyny that works to keep women barefoot and pregnant, and relegates stay-at-home-dads to the same ranks.
But that attitude couldn’t be more wrong.
I spent those years working. Hard. I didn’t do it for the paycheck. I didn’t have any formal training. Even when I was so burnt out I wanted to run away, change my name, and start my entire life over — I stayed. That’s true commitment.
I spent those years perfecting the art of multitasking. I can talk on the phone, dress a wiggly toddler, draft a grocery list, and cut the crusts off a PB&J at the same time — all without making us late for a dentist appointment.
I spent those years getting comfortable with discomfort. As a cultural afterthought, I’ve heard all kinds of unsolicited comments judging my life choices. I just nodded and took it all with a practiced smile — because my kids (read: tiny bosses) were always watching.
Sounds like career prep to me.
No, I’m not ashamed of my hard work. Not anymore.