september writing prompt

I’m probably the worst person in the world

How I embrace imperfections and evolve through mistakes

When it comes to sharing secrets, most of mine tend to be negative, often related to things I’ve done or said. And if you ask me about all my worst actions, I can list them smoothly and without pause.

I once ruined my little cousin’s 1st birthday by accidentally throwing a ball at the cake, making them blow candles on a damaged cake.

As a child, I once ruined a wedding by accidentally stepping on the flower bucket meant for tossing, causing the bride and groom to cancel the flower-tossing event. My parents apologized on my behalf, but I still feel guilty about it.

Back in school, I gave my friend a wrong answer during an exam secretly, so their score wouldn’t surpass mine.

I repeatedly lied to my parents, telling them I’d be working on a group project with my schoolmates after school, when in reality, I was sneaking around with my silly high-school-lover at the time.

On the day of my grandfather’s funeral, I was the only grandchild who didn’t cry, and even my aunt commented that I seemed insensitive.

In my stupidly-ignorant teenage years, I once made a hurtful joke among friends during a gathering, which left everyone silent. One friend spoke up, saying, “That’s actually not funny to joke about.”

I had a heated argument with my sister in front of our family, which culminated in me crying while still in their presence.

You might already know that I’m a Muslim, but I wouldn’t claim to be a devout one. I missed many religious gatherings at the nearest place of worship, not because I doubted my faith, but simply because I disliked the preacher for no apparent reason.

During my mother’s cancer treatment, there were moments when her exhaustion frustrated me. I once snapped and said, “You know what, I’m tired too. Don’t act like you’re the only one.”

Even in my professional career, I once took a sick leave to attend a concert of my favorite musician in the city, although it was years ago, and I’ve since left that job. Nevertheless, thinking about it still makes me feel guilty.

Yes, it seems to keep getting worse, doesn’t it? I know there are many things that make me feel like I’m the worst, and I’m even afraid to acknowledge it. I even have a sort of dislike for myself.

My feelings have a basis. There are times when my closest friends and even family members comment on everything I do.

They say things like, “You should gain more weight; no man will marry you if you’re that slender,” or “Can’t bake a cake? What will you serve your future husband for dessert?” They even comment on the smallest actions, like how I write, run, or scratch my head. It can be overwhelming.

All of this has fueled my insecurities to the point where I’m sometimes afraid to do anything in public, or even to post anything on my social media, constantly worrying, “What if they criticize what I do or share?”

When I experience sadness or embarrassment over past actions, I often replay those moments in my mind, leading to a recurrence of those feelings.

This has significantly lowered my self-esteem, to the point where I hesitate to engage in activities, fearing that my differences and clumsiness will prevent me from fitting into society, and that everything I do will end up causing more harm than good.

Whenever I step outside my house, freed from my constraints, I constantly feel as though every pair of eyes is fixed on me, scrutinizing my every move, just in case I make another mistake.

Every time I’m in a public place, I’m always afraid I’ll bump into someone I know, and they’ll be like, “Hey, you treated me badly one time.” or “You still have the courage to go outside despite your embarrassing past actions?” This imaginary scenario often crosses my mind, though it’s unlikely to happen.

Even if nobody in that public place knows me, I sometimes can’t shake the feeling that they do. It’s as though my past mistakes are the subject of conversation for everyone, and the word spreads until every town resident is aware of my shortcomings.

“There goes the maddest woman this town has ever seen. She had a marvelous time ruining everything.” These lines from Taylor Swift’s song perfectly encapsulate what I sometimes believe people are saying about me.

Sometimes I question myself, wondering what kind of person I am and if I’m good enough for anything in this world. I attempt to find self-acceptance. Simultaneously, I often feel like the worst person, to the point where I don’t even want to marry myself.

I’m silenced and lost, reflecting on the moments when I didn’t care about anything at all, which left me feeling vulnerable, wishing I could turn back time and make amends.

I used to feel constantly burdened by guilt, until one Ramadan, when I attended a religious gathering at a mosque. The preacher delivered a sermon about the beauty of forgiveness and the transformative power it holds. He spoke about how forgiving others can expand your heart to receive forgiveness in return, and how it positively impacts your self-worth and mental well-being.

“To apologize and forgive, for life is a constant test”

That was the moment I realized the importance of apologizing to everyone I’ve possibly hurt, whether it was accidental or intentional.

Upon returning to family or friend gatherings, I sometimes still carry the weight of guilt, prompting me to apologize to one of them.

To my surprise, their response was, “What was that for? What did you do?”

I explained to them, and in response, they said, “That was a long time ago; I’ve even forgotten about it! I believe you’ve become a much better person now.”

I was left speechless. It turns out they didn’t even remember all the terrible things I had done, even if it might have harmed them at the time.

I spent my life dwelling on my past mistakes, believing everyone thought about them constantly and that I was the worst person to everyone. But turns out I’m just a regular person who has made mistakes, something common among humans. I’m not the only one who makes mistakes that people remember from time to time; I’m not the center of the universe, and I’m not the worst person in the world.

I used to be saddened and embarrassed by all the mistakes I made with others. But you know what? Not everyone really cares about what happened. They won’t think about it anymore, and they might have even forgotten it by now.

Apart from that, I’m aware that I must continue working on my flaws and correcting them to avoid repeating my mistakes in the future. Even if those I’ve hurt have forgiven me or mostly forgotten, I remain determined to overcome and improve upon my imperfections.

There are times when I seek counseling for self-esteem issues, but instead of traditional sessions, they assign me tasks. One such task is to list my weaknesses and strengths.

I’m stuck. The counselor was supposed to return within two weeks, but I still don’t know what to write about anything that I’m capable of. I’ve only been able to list my flaws.

But time continues to pass and I still have to complete this task, so I began to write about anything that happened in my daily life. When I completed household chores, I wrote, “I can finish chores within 3–4 hours efficiently.” When I managed to drive to the grocery store by myself, I noted, “I can drive independently.” And when I accomplished writing three articles in a day, I made sure to include that as well.

Finally, I managed to list my abilities, although they were still outnumbered by my flaws. The day my counselor arrived, I handed it to them with a modest sense of confidence, feeling like I had no other choice.

To my surprise, my counselor said, “This is perfectly fine; I indeed never told you to list them both in equal numbers. This is enough.”

I was confused, but then they explained, “My goal was simply to help you recognize who you are. Some people struggle with that and require more assistance, but I’m pleased to see you don’t.”

It turns out they didn’t expect anything from me; they only wanted to ensure that I knew myself, that I understood who I am.

“We also need to love our flaws, you know? That’s what makes us who we are,” they continued.

Those words struck deep within my heart, making me realize that everyone possesses flaws, and nobody is perfect. The reality is that people are imperfect, and everyone is continually evolving and growing.

And that’s perfectly fine; I don’t have to be perfect. What’s important is that I need to know who I am. Loving all my flaws can be a positive mindset as it promotes self-acceptance and self-compassion.

However, it’s essential to strike a balance between self-love and self-improvement. While accepting my flaws is healthy, it doesn’t mean I shouldn’t strive for personal growth or address aspects of myself that I genuinely wish to change. The key is to maintain a healthy self-image while also working on becoming the best version of myself.

So, everyone, stop worrying about what others think of you and instead, focus on yourselves. Concentrate on what brings you happiness and inner peace. Remember, you are your most important commitment. Begin by embracing your flaws, your awkwardness, your uniqueness, your intensity, and your vulnerability. Life becomes immensely more fulfilling when you are authentically yourself.

The world keeps spinning, whether people understand you or not, so why not make this next trip around the sun all about you?

Also, remember that you can find the strength to move on with ease by forgiving and apologizing others, no matter how bitter the experience may have been. Life can be unfair and unpredictable, but always remember the virtue of forgiveness.

And to myself, even though the thoughts in your head may be a bit crazy and your clumsiness and stubborness exceeds normal limits, I just want to say that I love you. I cherish all your enthusiasm and cheerfulness.

There’s nothing I can do to turn back time, but if I can find the silver lining, perhaps the universe has granted me the precious opportunity to keep living so that I can gradually work on improving myself.

Step by step, one by one, I’ll eliminate the reasons to dislike myself.

In response to Dennett’s September Writing Prompt: Sharing Secrets — Thank you for this fantastic prompt!

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