I’m Outta Here

I’m on a mission to find Australia’s most fascinating place, person, and pub

Archie did a bad thing

Archie fell out with his employers, and being an aggressive drunk, he took the last of his empty beer bottles and lobbed it through the windscreen of his boss’s car.

To avoid repercussions, Archie booked himself on the next ship out of Scotland and two months later he disembarked at the Port of Melbourne, Australia.

Twenty years later, my Uncle Archie returned. He sold his house in Australia and shipped his possessions back to Scotland.

He arrived home on a wet and windy day in November. The icy rain was relentless. Cold, wet, and jetlagged, Archie vowed to emigrate back to Australia on the next available flight — and he did.

I’m going walkabout

I’m following in Uncle Archie’s footsteps. I’m going to Australia. I’ll be a person of no fixed abode. A roaming, roving, rapt observer.

I want to see what all the fuss is about. Maybe not all the fuss — vast swaths of Australia is inhospitable bush merging into a never-ending uninhabitable outback.

I’m going where the people are. I’m not so much interested in the things that can kill me.

• Australia is host to the ten most poisonous snakes in the world.
• It has 35 species of funnel-web spider (the world’s deadliest).
• The box jellyfish, blue-ringed octopus, paralysis tick, and stonefish — are all brutally lethal.
• Anywhere there isn’t mobile phone coverage.

Sharks are the least of my worries.

The challenge

1. Avoid getting stung, bitten, or eaten.
2. Discover Australia’s most fascinating place, person, and pub.
3. Find the kangaroo wearing the denim jacket.

The reason for writing

I have compelling reasons to write about my trip to Australia — anticipation is one and that means I need to do my research. I knew shamefully little about the Antipodes beforehand.

• Around 160,000 convicts were sent to Australia between the 1780s and 1860s. Banished for great crimes, small crimes and some for no crime at all — at least morally (stealing a loaf of bread because you are starving).
• Australia is home to 26 million people, which gives them about 75 acres of land each — it’s mostly empty. Compare that to Singaporeans who live within spitting distance of neighbours on all sides.
• Australia has twice as many kangaroos as people, four times as many sheep, and eight times as many rabbits. Only the kangaroos are indigenous.
• Australia has never had a Republican or Conservative government in power — and they are doing fine without them.
• In 2018, Australia took top place in terms of the highest median and average wealth per adult ($530,240). The UK was 8th ($286,710). The USA didn’t make the top ten.
• We think of Australia and we think of sunburn, surfing, and sharks — but the Australian Alps, straddling New South Wales and Victoria, get more snow than the Swiss Alps. If you are a skier, slide down to Blue Cow Mountain.
• Australia has over 60 separate wine regions — I might not get as much writing done as I first thought.
• One of the most famous drives in Australia is The Great Ocean Road, a 150-mile stretch along the south-eastern coast of Australia. Built by soldiers after World War One as a memorial for the fallen.

There’s a little salivating going on in my house. Pavlov’s pooch hasn’t got a look in. Armed with Google maps, Tripadvisor, and a list of addresses for friends and relatives I haven’t used yet— plans are underway.

Missing you already

Ever since I had a brush with death, I have tried to live my life with purpose. It’s not always easy, there are other people you have to consider. The people in your life need your time and support. We have to strike a balance.

I love writing. I miss it when I can’t get to a keyboard.

So I bought a laptop — I might be outta here (Scotland) but I’m not outta here ;-)

Ahem — there’s more by Malky here. Get an email when Malky publishes. Read and learn, write and earn by joining here.