“I’m not racist but…” and other hacks to spice up your resume

Fool-proof ways to impress those pesky hiring managers

In today’s economy, it can feel like getting a job is almost impossible. It makes you wonder; how can you stand out of a pile of almost identical resumes?

Here are a few techniques that I’ve meticulously refined to elevate your resume to the top of any pile it finds itself in!

“I’m not racist but...”

Nobody wants to hire a racist, so these should be the first words on that page. Having placed that disclaimer, you can now hammer home how progressive you are. For example:

“…I’m not ignorant enough to call myself ‘colour-blind’. People of all colours should have equal opportunities to be represented in the workplace without discrimination — whether they be black, brown, yellow or normal.”

“Webster’s Dictionary defines ‘job’ as ‘the work that a person does regularly in order to earn money.’”

Quoting the dictionary is a method often employed by the most experienced of wordsmiths. It is what’s known as a cliché, which is French for ‘something so good that people can’t stop using it’.

“I know when to keep my mouth shut.”

As we all know, anyone who climbed their way up in any field did so on the backs of the skeletons in their closet. You need to emphasise your loyalty, so they know your lips will be sealed when it matters most.

Husbands, wives and the department of Homeland Security are just a few examples of those I’ve kept secrets from for my past employers.

“Reasons for leaving previous jobs:…”

You may not know this, but when potential employers ask you why you left your previous jobs, they’re actually trying to trick you into giving them reasons not to hire you.

Therefore, my advice is to include this section but leave it blank — giving them an answer with your silence. They will assume that you had justifiable reasons for leaving but, as a classy individual, are refusing to bad-mouth others.

In other words, you’re allowing them to assume the worst. So as an added bonus, you’ve cast doubt on your previous employers — their scathing references will now hold little weight, holding you back no longer!

“I have no known weaknesses.”

Usually, your resume gives ammunition for others to use against you later: “you said you knew how to use Excel”, “there’s no reason to list your allergies on the document you send to prospective employers” etc.

This little nugget does the opposite — it’s a safety net. Someone finds out a weakness of yours… good! Now you can inform them that you didn’t know about it — and your resume will corroborate your story. What are they going to do, punish you for the innocent ‘mistake' of not knowing something?

Use animated GIFs

A picture tells a thousand words. A GIF? Thousands.

In today’s day and age, your resume will mostly be reviewed through a screen. Utilise that and impress them with your IT know-how.

Now you might be asking: “what about when I need a physical copy of my resume?” to which I propose a simple solution: make a flipbook.

“I’m willing to go the extra mile to get the job done. See: my prior convictions”

So you’ve got priors. Who hasn’t? Heck, some would call obtaining them a rite of passage. If you’ve done something especially awesome, consider basing your entire resume around it; hiring managers see hundreds of boring resumes from overqualified applicants. They want a resume that makes them feel something. Even if it’s fear.