I’m Not Here Yet — I Need Coffee

Summary

The author expresses a profound dependence on coffee to function effectively in the morning.

Abstract

The article titled "I’m Not Here Yet — I Need Coffee" humorously conveys the author's reliance on coffee to become alert and functional. Before ingesting coffee, the author describes themselves as a "jumbly mess" with impaired cognitive and motor skills, barely able to communicate or perform simple tasks like walking the dog. The piece emphasizes the transformative effect of coffee, elevating the author from a half-human state to one of coherence and coordination. The author also touches on the social aspects of coffee consumption, expressing a preference for unadulterated hot coffee over sweetened, creamy versions, and reflecting on the importance of addressing climate change to preserve the availability of coffee.

Opinions

The author believes that without coffee, they are incapable of basic human functions, including language and coordination.
The author has a strong preference for black coffee, viewing it as superior to sugary, creamy coffee concoctions.
There is a humorous implication that the author's love for coffee borders on the existential, suggesting that life would be meaningless without it.
The author lightly mocks those who prefer cold or heavily adulterated coffee drinks.
The author uses hyperbole to emphasize the importance of coffee in their daily routine, implying that it is as crucial as breathing or thinking.
There is a playful jab at the idea that addressing climate change is important, at least in part, because it threatens the supply of coffee.

Before my coffee, I’m not fully alive. My brain doesn’t brain. My body doesn’t work. I am a jumbly mess incapable of things like language.

Before coffee, I am not smart. Or coordinated. The dog can’t hold it in the morning. I have to walk him when I am only half-human before I can load up on coffee.

The neighbor sometimes says words to me while I’m in this altered state. I literally cannot understand what she is saying. She is so nice but all I can do is stare and walk away. I have to come back later when I speak English.

I trip over my own feet walking the dog. Today my winter hat slid over my eyes while I was walking and carrying a leash and a doggy poop bag. That’s THREE things (eyes, leash, bag) and two hands! Too much math before coffee. I was stuck on the sidewalk for a while because I couldn’t see or figure out how to move the bag and the leash into the same hand to adjust my hat. It’s that bad.

Sometimes people tell me they don’t like hot drinks. I have cousins that say this. I’ll be honest here…I think less of them. I drink hot black coffee in the morning and hot black tea later in the day. When I see people with gallon jugs of creamy, sugary “coffee” drinks with a straw poking out of the top, I feel sorry for them. I would rather have a black coffee from a vending machine than that goopy crap.

The thing is…I need coffee. I love it. I dream of it at night before bed. I love waking up because I get to have coffee. And I never want to live without it. Which is the main reason climate change must be faced and resolved because if we lose coffee…the whole thing called life is meaningless, isn’t it?

That last bit is a joke. Kind of. Anyway, I have to go. I have a morning meeting with an old friend called Joe.

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PERSONAL

I’m Not Here Yet — I Need Coffee

Before my coffee, I’m not fully alive. My brain doesn’t brain. My body doesn’t work. I am a jumbly mess incapable of things like language.