I’m Not Attracted to My Overweight Wife Anymore

Summary

A man struggles with his attraction to his wife due to her weight gain, which he finds deeply troubling due to past trauma involving his obese mother, and seeks advice on how to navigate this personal crisis in his marriage.

Abstract

The article addresses a sensitive issue where a man, who once found his wife physically attractive, no longer does due to her significant weight gain. This situation is exacerbated by his childhood trauma involving an obese mother, which has led to a deep-seated aversion to obesity. Despite his love for his wife and their mutual acknowledgment of love for each other, the physical aspect of their relationship has deteriorated to the point where he can no longer achieve climax with her. The man has sought therapy, where he was advised to undergo hypnosis to alter his sexual preferences, a suggestion he finds questionable. The article's author empathizes with the man's predicament but emphasizes the importance of personal dealbreakers in relationships, suggesting that the man may need to prioritize his need for a non-obese partner. The author recommends individual therapy to address the man's childhood trauma and suggests reading material to help understand his subconscious partner choice. The article also advises giving the wife space to potentially initiate weight loss on her own and offers strategies to rekindle emotional intimacy, while also acknowledging the possibility of the relationship ending.

Opinions

The author feels for the man's difficult situation, recognizing the pain of loving someone while being unable to connect physically due to the wife's obesity.
The author strongly advises against any form of "deprogramming" therapy, comparing it to conversion therapy, which is considered ineffective and unethical.
The wife's understanding of her husband's aversion to obesity and her initial efforts to manage her weight are noted, but her apparent lack of sustained effort is seen as a significant issue in the relationship.
The author suggests that the man's choice of partner and his current struggle may be linked to unresolved issues from his relationship with his mother.
There is a possibility that the wife might be more motivated to lose weight if the pressure from her husband is reduced, allowing her the space to make changes for herself.
The author recommends therapy for the man to process his childhood abuse and to navigate the emotional complexities of his current relationship predicament.
The article offers resources for therapy and coaching, as well as books and a podcast for further support and guidance.

I’m Not Attracted to My Overweight Wife Anymore

Reader Feeling Hopeless writes:

In your article What Women Think About Sex vs. Reality, you state “very, very infrequently does a husband come in and say (even when his wife is not in the room) that he no longer finds her physically attractive….” and that “Much, much more frequently, the man acknowledges that his wife may not look identical to her wedding photos anymore, but he still finds her desirable physically.”

Great — but, what happens when IN ACTUALITY, the husband doesn’t find her attractive anymore ? Case in point — my wife was hot but no longer. I DO love her, but, I am so turned off by her weight that I cant even climax with her anymore. She DID understand, even before we were married, how weight was a HUGE issue for me. (that I had an obese mother who abused me and that therefore, I detest obese women). She lovingly understood and said in the beginning of the marriage “Hon, if I start to gain weight, just be kind and let me know”- and I did, I WAS nice the first few times when she gained 5 lbs, then, another 5, and another, until I was not so nice anymore.

We are now separated, but still acknowledge our love for each other and yet, I KNOW if I go back, it will be the same. I have had therapists tell me that the “only” answer is to go under hypnosis so that I can be “de-programmed” and learn to be sexually stimulated with an obese lover.

I DO love her — but I do NOT lust for her. Any suggestions ?

First of all, I feel for you. This is a very difficult situation because you love her, yet you can’t show her your love physically. This is similar in a way to the many men who are openly rejected by their wives, since you have love to give but you cannot give it to your wife. Also, WTF is up with being “deprogrammed” in therapy? I would definitely say DO NOT GO SEE ANYONE WHO CLAIMS TO BE ABLE TO DEPROGRAM YOU AND MAKE YOU LOVE SEX WITH OBESE WOMEN. That sounds to me eerily like the people who claim to be able to make gay people straight. Which, for the record,in my opinion and that of the American Psychological Association, is NOT POSSIBLE.

Okay, now let’s turn to what is possible. Your wife obviously has serious issues with weight. It seems like her weight spiralled out of control bit by bit. You don’t tell me whether she is trying to lose weight, or is upset about being obese, or what. If she is trying to lose weight, though, I doubt you would have written in, so I will assume she is not. In that case, I believe that you deserve to be in a relationship where your dealbreakers are not broken. For you, this means having a non-obese partner. For some people, it’s having someone who has a job, or who values education, or who shares their religion, or who likes kids.

I think your perspective makes sense, especially as she is obese, and has been for years. I feel much more empathy for you than for guys who complain about their wife’s weight when she just had a baby. But me validating your point of view does not make your situation any easier. You love someone that either does not value the relationship enough to change or is unable to change in a way that would make the relationship viable for you. This is painful, either way.

As regards your mother, I recommend that you find an individual therapist who can work with you on processing and grieving your childhood abuse. I would also suggest you read Getting the Love You Want: A Guide for Couples by Harville Hendrix, which outlines imago theory (read that link as it shows how imago theory would operate for your wife, possibly; that link is about a woman who stays with a guy who won’t marry her unless she loses weight). This book may help you understand why, on a subconscious level, you picked your wife and then stay with her despite her not meeting your needs. Hint: this pattern may be familiar to you from your relationship with your mother.

If you do end the relationship, and your wife loses weight, I would not take this as a passive aggressive or outright aggressive maneuver. Sometimes people can only do what they need to do when they are not being pressured to do it. So, your pressure on your wife may be having the opposite effect than desired. Another way to read this point is: if you can lay off the pressure and be as interested in your wife as you can for a few months even at her current weight, this might give her the space to work on losing weight (if she wants to).

Additionally, read this on how to rekindle “monotogamy” and start to feel “in love” again, which may help your wife feel better and more motivated to work on herself and the marriage. I although think there may be some introspection to do about how you broached the topic with her, and your timing, which I discuss in a situation like yours here. Also, you may want to seek therapy to discuss your issues with your mother, your sadness about this relationship, and how to move forward if you choose to end things.

I wish you the best. Till we meet again, The Blogapist Who Hopes This Was Helpful But Is Sorry Your Situation Is Rough.

This blog is not intended as medical advice or diagnosis and should in no way replace consultation with a medical professional. If you try this advice and it does not work for you, you cannot sue me. This is only my opinion, based on my background, training, and experience as a therapist and person. Also, all examples involving people or clients are hypothetical amalgams, not actual people.