I’m Not a Poor Man’s Mary

Letting go of your false self

“We can either walk inside our story and own it or stand outside of our story and hustle for our worthiness.” — Brene Brown

In the movie, The Wedding Planner, there’s this scene where Eddie (Matthew McConaughey) is comforting Mary, the wedding planner (Jennifer Lopez) after she sees her ex with his new wife, Wendy. She is lamenting and crying “I just wasn’t good enough, I’m just a poor man’s Wendy.”

McConaughey corrects her with this (insert sultry Texas drawl) “No, no, no, you’re wrong… This Wendy, she’s nothing but a poor man’s Mary.”

Maybe it’s his southern drawl or the way he stresses her name — Mary — just right, or the fact that my name is Mary so I hear it just a bit differently than a Sue or a Janice might, I am not sure, but that scene is so affirming to me. It’s a reminder to me that I am not a poor man’s Mary.

I’m Mary, daughter of the King, created and chosen

When I make decisions that do not reflect my position as the loved daughter of a kind and perfect King, I can choose to accept this lesser version of me or I can remind myself that I am not a poor man’s Mary.

I can turn to cover-ups and side shows trying to distract and engage the world with this other Mary — the one that accepts herself as the lesser version — or I can choose to step inside my own story and live it, chin up, walking into the wonder of the King’s royal robes.

There is no poor man’s Mary here

I’m affirmed every day by the designer of my heart. Not good enough no longer registers here because my worth is not measured by the stick of good or better or best.

Using the Enneagram to uncover your false self

I didn’t understand that I was settling for this false version of myself until I recently learned about the Enneagram. The Enneagram, for lack of a better description, is a personality test that helps one understand what motivates them.

But, unlike all the other personality tests I’ve been forced to take (by employers and church leaders), the Enneagram doesn’t serve to pigeon hole us into a two-dimensional description of ourselves or label us for easy categorizing.

The Enneagram sheds light on how we’ve created a narrative around our life in order to compensate for our fears, inadequacies, and basic fallen humanness. Understanding myself in the light of the Enneagram has been life-changing for me and it has removed the stigma of being a perfectionist by helping me understand what drives my version of perfectionism.

But — and here’s the best part — rather than feeling labeled and stuck in a destructive cycle of perfectionism, the Enneagram teaches that what I’ve chosen as my way to navigate life is only part of my story.

It’s my story of trying to survive without surrender to Christ. It’s my story of hanging on tightly to an identity that I created and allowing that identity to blind me to my true self. But that’s not where my story ends!

The personality we construct is a cover-up, it’s the poor man’s version of ourselves

It’s the ego’s attempt to lay fig leaves over our wounds and shortcomings. We all do it, we just seem to do it in different ways.

Me? I try to be perfect in order to avoid shame. Sounds like a great plan, doesn’t it?

I am not by any means an expert to write about the Enneagram so I refer you to a couple of podcasts that have helped me understand my false narrative and how I can let go of that tired, old story and embrace who I am in Christ. It starts with surrender, continues with renewing the mind, and leads to the understanding that I do not need to hustle for my acceptance or work to create the new woman.

“Have you ever stopped to ask yourself, “What if the story I tell myself and others about who I am and who I’m becoming isn’t true?” …when you can understand the false story around which you have organized your life, then you can begin to play with that story a bit to find your true story.” — Ian Cron, Typology

Lies, both those we were told and those we created, have entrenched power over our lives, but God’s promises include tearing down all the idols we construct. His love blows open the doors of truth in order for us to walk in freedom.

Have you accepted a poor man’s version of [insert your name here]? Is it time to walk inside the story of who you really are? Have you settled for an imitation version of yourself based on lies or hurt from your past? Why not settle this once and for all and ask God to show you who you really are when your identity is revealed in Him.

Thanks for reading! The Perfectionist is my Enneagram type so when I’m not rereading all my Medium posts for typos, I’m sharing how to live a simple life of faith at Simple Life Simple Faith and interacting with wonderful women who want to find the simple ways to a fulfilling life and walk with God. Join us?

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