Summary

Carolyn Riker discusses her journey with jealousy towards self-confident people and how she uses humor and self-awareness strategies to boost her own confidence.

Abstract

Carolyn Riker openly admits to feeling jealous of self-confident individuals, particularly those who are extroverted and freely share their achievements. As an introverted INFP with highly sensitive traits, she struggles with sharing her accomplishments and articulating her thoughts in social situations. To combat this, Riker employs the "fake it until you make it" approach, using humor and self-compassion to navigate moments of social anxiety. She outlines practical strategies such as deflecting questions to buy thinking time and practicing poise and eye contact to project confidence. Riker also reflects on her past experiences, like forgetting her name due to nervousness, to emphasize the challenges and growth in her self-confidence journey. Ultimately, she advocates for self-acceptance and the continuous effort to develop confidence while honoring one's true nature.

Opinions

Carolyn Riker views jealousy as a motivator for personal growth rather than a negative emotion.
She believes in the power of the "fake it until you make it" philosophy, suggesting that practicing confidence can lead to genuine self-assurance.
Riker sees value in deflecting and positively reframing social interactions to manage anxiety and appear more confident.
She admires the elegance and charisma of poised individuals and aims to emulate their presence.
Riker acknowledges the difficulty of maintaining eye contact and articulating thoughts in real-time but emphasizes the importance of practice.
She reflects on her own experiences with humor, such as forgetting her name due to nerves, to illustrate the challenges faced by introverts.
Riker encourages the use of reminders and affirmations, like her designed tee shirts and notepads, to reinforce a confident mindset.
She stresses the importance of self-care and recalibration for highly sensitive and introverted personalities.
Riker concludes that embracing one's unique qualities and working towards confidence is a personal triumph.

I’m Jealous of Self-Confident People

How I use my jealousy (and humor) to be more self-confident!

Here’s the truth. I’m jealous of self-confident people. However, I find myself drawn to self-confident and often extraverted personalities. Those folks who announce every achievement, to everyone — both big and small — and often accompanied with an amazing unabashed selfie.

More about them soon.

For me it is exceedingly difficult to share my accomplishments to most, other than my cat, the sky, earth, a tree and sometimes to my young adult children.

Jealousy isn’t necessarily a bad thing when we can figure out how to take a little of what we are jealous of, and liberally apply it to our own psyche!

Typically, I’m on the quiet side and an observer of people. Naturally introverted, but I can be slightly extroverted too.

According to Myers Briggs personality test, I am one of the 4% of people who are an INFP personality style (Introverted, INtutive-Feeling and Perceiving), with a generous amount of empathic abilities.

I’m also included in 15–20% of the population who are highly sensitive, according to Dr. Elaine Aaron, lead researcher and psychologist for highly sensitive people.

Fake it until you make it

There’s a clever English aphorism, fake it until you make it, which has quite a bit of validity. When we practice being more confident and believe we have the abilities before succeeding, we eventually become more self-confident!

I am articulate but not the best in-person. As an introvert, who also happens to be a writer, writing lets me formulate my thoughts clearer. However in person, for whatever reason, when someone for example, asks me, what books do you like to read? or what music do you like to listen to? or what movies do you enjoy? or what’s your opinion on subnuclear interfacing warheads in relation to interplanetary spatial combustion theory.

I freeze.

Or on rare occasions, I’ll blurt out a children’s book: A Diary of a Wombat by Jackie French!!!

Actually, I’m so pleased with myself that I said something, until I notice their perplexed look.

Meanwhile, inside of me, there’s a whole nest of chipmunks in my wee brain doing the panicked side-to-side eye look, tiny paws covering their mouths, and any knowledge of my being goes blank.

Quick comebacks are rare unless I truly feel comfortable. Although, I’ll have a dozen witty responses driving home.

Remedy #1

Here’s what I’m going to try instead.

Let me rewrite that.

This is what I’m going to do!

To give me time to regroup, I’ll say, “What great questions!” and “I enjoy the way you think!”

Notice how I’ve gone into a more self-confident style? I’ve deflected the questions aimed at me by using a protective shield and turned the so-called ambush into positive statements back to the questioner. I’ve also given myself time to think.

Meanwhile my inner chipmunks can reconvene and recover from their startled stance and they will scurry over to my bookcases, check my playlists and scamper back with a few notes slipped through my ear, down my arm and into my sweaty palms (with waterproof ink) so when there’s a pause I can imitate calmness and offer a few titles, songs, and movies.

PHEW!!

Then I’ll need a few days to find my feet, mouth, legs and braincells because I was practicing the art of being self-confident AND being articulate turning me into a Picasso.

Positively Poised People

Building off my premise of being more self-confident by faking it until I make it, I’ll introduce being poised.

There’s an elegance to poised people.

Those folks who glide when they walk, and everyone knows they are in the room, without them trying! It’s so flippin’ mysterious and magical!

They are frequently charismatic and content. They are naturally the center of attention. Witty and at ease without bordering the territory of arrogant and elite because they deftly show gratitude and compassion.

Their compliments are generous and sincere. They lean inward and shake one’s hand, then slightly pause before letting go.

I start to blink slower when I’m around poised people and I don’t mind standing closer to them. Actually, I’m hoping their essence will come wafting over to me and I’ll be all poised too.

So, in my normal stance of worry and insecurity, which sometimes comes off as too shy, insecure, stuck up, not paying attention (but I’m sincerely paying attention to every detail — chipmunks will testify!), I want to be more poised.

Remedy #2

Nevertheless, I will become more poised and enter a room or Zoom since there’s no touchy-touchy these COVID days and I’ll “smile a little smile for me….” (Don’t you love when song lyrics pop into your head? Despite the fact the song I’m humming right now is about a woman going through a romantic break-up. )

Remedy #3

Then I’ll practice eye-contact. Super-duper not easy but I can do this and so can you! See how employing a little self-awareness and poise can lead to appearing self-confident? The adage, fake it until you make it, is being put to use!

Forgetting my name

True story. When I’m really nervous I tend to forget my own name as well as others.

This is the conversation in my head.

Could it be moi? Je m’appelle, Carolyn. Oh, no! Not now Carolyn.

Don’t slip into pseudo French with the 10 vocab words/phrases you remember just because they have an accent, which by the by you love, love, love.

STOP. MAYDAY. ABORT.

Usually I do something way more awkward.

“Hi!!!!! (Waving) I’m Carolyn!!! I’m soooooooooo glad to meet you!!!”

Shake their hand vigorously (sans COVID) and gleefully jump up and down because I’m having a happy party with myself because I got my name out AND I’m congratulating myself for having a conversation albeit only an introduction.

Anyway, I was ONCE a cheerleader for an extraordinarily long basketball season in junior high school. We had to do this Hello Cheer at the beginning of every frick’n game. AND, I’d be so nervous, I’d forget my name.

So, for each game, I made up a new one. I was Annette, Donna, Sabrina, Betsy, Dawn, Lynn, Violet….

Carolyn was under the bleachers wishing she could pee (again). I had mapped out every bathroom in every school we visited. I wadded up toilet tissues in my undies because…. sigh. Being a Nervous Nelly is real. My bodily functions were keenly amplifying it too.

Takeaways

While this all may seem daunting, we’ve got this. To remind myself and others on how to be more self-confident, articulate and poised, I’ve designed tee shirts saying: fake it until you make it!

And had my note pads embellished with the same motto. Next, I’ll string neon lights with the phrase too.

In the meantime, I’ll be sure to add a few extra quiet walks to recalibrate my highly sensitive nature, and introverted style because putting myself out there takes a lot of work. Honoring who I am is ultimately my biggest success with a splash more of self-confidence to let me shine.

Carolyn Riker is a writer, social activist, licensed psychotherapist, a lover of learning & words. Her books are available on Amazon.