Summary

A mother reflects on her journey through parenting, expressing a desire to balance the demands of motherhood with her personal yearning for intellectual and spiritual nourishment, art, and beauty.

Abstract

The author, a mother of thirteen years, has immersed herself in the practical and educational aspects of parenting, including dealing with various health and developmental challenges in her children. While acknowledging the importance of the resources and support she has found, she admits to feeling weary of the constant focus on parenting duties. She longs for a reconnection with her own passions and interests, such as art, history, nature, and spirituality, and wishes to engage in activities that feed her soul, like attending seminary, taking art history classes, dancing, and enjoying simple pleasures with her family. Despite the pressing needs of her family and the world, she is determined to find moments of goodness and to nurture her own well-being, recognizing that her identity extends beyond her role as a mother.

Opinions

The author values the knowledge and support she has gained from various sources but feels a need for more profound intellectual and spiritual fulfillment.
She believes that personal growth and the pursuit of beauty and knowledge are essential, even amidst the demands of parenting.
The author expresses a sense of imbalance in her life, having focused extensively on her children's needs at the expense of her own interests and self-care.
She conveys a strong desire to reclaim parts of her identity that have been neglected, suggesting that self-neglect is an inherent risk in the sacrifices of parenthood.
The author views the pursuit of personal interests and self-improvement as compatible with being a good parent, not as a distraction from parental responsibilities.
She acknowledges the challenges and worries of parenting but chooses to focus on the positive aspects and the joy that can be found in everyday life.
The author encourages a holistic approach to life, where caring for oneself is not selfish but necessary for the well-being of the entire family.

I’m Hungry for a Different Meal.

One that truly satisfies.

For the last thirteen years —the whole of my life as a mother — I have filled myself with knowledge of the practical arts of birthing, feeding, changing, washing, disciplining, homeschooling, nutritioning, meal planning, natural remedying, grocery budgeting, and doing everything right.

More recently I’ve dined on PANS and GAD and ASD and PDA and OCD and ADHD.

I’ve read books, followed blogs, listened to podcasts, watched YouTube videos, joined Facebook groups, subscribed to email newsletters, registered for webinars, and taken courses. I’ve talked with friends, family members, therapists, psychologists, doctors and parenting coaches.

You don’t go to school for parenting. You have to figure it out as you go, and even though I still feel like I have no idea what I’m doing, I don’t know where I’d be without all the resources & support I’ve found along the way.

But today, when I open my inbox or look at my bookshelf or try to find a podcast to listen to, I’m staring at a plate of meatloaf and mashed potatoes and peas that used to be appetizing but today I think I’ll pass.

All the things I’ve filled myself with are all important. Essential, even. But I’m tired of that which does not satisfy.

Do you know what I’m hungry for?

Art.

Beauty.

History.

Nature.

Movement.

A vacation.

The living God.

I want to go to seminary. I want to take an art history class. I want to dance and choreograph again. I want to watch obscure movies with my husband. I want to spend hours in silence with God. I want to gather people around a table and laugh and eat and sing. I want to go to the symphony. I want to watch plants grow. I want to read George Eliot again — I want to have the mental energy to read George Eliot again! I want to go for walks in beautiful places with my family. I want to drink wine and eat flourless chocolate cake and sleep in a hotel.

There is so much to worry about in my home and in the world. So much that I have screwed up or could screw up. But there is goodness to be found, too. I want to feast on that goodness, thanking the creator for every mouthwatering morsel.

As I type this, my young child cries from his bed, “I’m wet!” and the reality of my life pulls me out of my dream world. He needs a bath and the baby needs a diaper and they all need breakfast and today is the day we will get back on track with multiplication facts and calling the eye doctor and homeschool paperwork and getting ready for my son’s upcoming autism evaluation that was supposed to be this week but got rescheduled because of jury duty.

This is not a complaint. It is an honor to care for these growing humans and important to learn as much as I can to do it as well as I can. But in doing so, I have, perhaps necessarily, neglected many other parts of being human myself.

I want to reclaim those parts of me that have been hibernating and find new corners of my interior being that have yet to come to life. I cannot, and should not, wholeheartedly seek all the things in the list above at the expense of my family. Nor can I, or should I, continue to neglect myself to the degree that I have been for the last thirteen years.

So today I dream.

Some parts of this dream will live only in my heart for now, kept safe like the egg that The Giantess lovingly protects until the time is right. Meanwhile, I will find tiny tastes of this goodness, right here in the reality of my life. I will keep fighting to remember that God made me a mother, and he made me a human being, too.

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