Verge of Tears

I’m Hanging By a Thread Mentally Today

I Feel Like My Writer’s Journey is in Jeopardy

I have to say, it’s been a morning here at my house. I knew this day was coming, but I wasn’t fully mentally prepared for it. I’m really fucking sad right now.

I’m trying to shake it off, but it’s tough. I know that I shouldn’t doubt myself or my writing, but I am. I feel pathetic right now, in the moment. I feel like quitting and I hate myself for feeling that way. This sucks.

I shouldn’t be trying to type with tears in my eyes, yet here we are.

I woke up this morning and saw that my Medium payment hit my account. Awesome. I generally look forward to this kind of thing. But today it was not as cool as it usually is.

My Medium earnings dropped by about 35% last month compared to my past recent months. That’s a big chunk of change. Blame it on the new Boost, blame it on the algorithm, or blame it on myself for not writing at least one big story last month.

The fact remains that I didn’t make as much income as I wanted or needed to. I hate that feeling. I really do and it has me doubting myself and wanting to give up on writing, at least right now.

My Bride makes the majority of our income. Owning her counseling practice definitely gets us by, financially. She is amazing at what she does as a therapist and really puts her heart and soul into her career. She’s incredible.

She also supervises at another counseling office twice a week, and they pay her well. She has a heart for our local refugee population and this practice focuses on those citizens. She brings a lot to the table by supervising counselors who are also refugees themselves.

I love her heart and her caring, knowledgeable manner in which she conducts her business.

If she didn’t work as hard as she has building her practice to where it is, there’s no way I’d have been able to reach the level I’ve reached on Medium. I’m fairly certain that I’m in the top 1% of Medium writers now in terms of production and income.

I’m so proud of myself for this. But it’s not paying a livable wage. And I feel tremendous guilt about even doing this full-time right now. I feel as though I’m failing my family. Even though they’re supportive of it, I hate the way I’m feeling right now.

I spent most of the morning signing up for Upwork, updating my LinkedIn profile, and checking on Newsbreak. I signed up for that one last year and hoped that perhaps I was closer to the 100 followers I need to monetize over there.

Nope, still at 4. Fuck.

Upwork and LinkedIn were pretty depressing to look at. I don’t even want to do content writing, but I would. I need to be bringing in more income on my side of things so I feel better about myself. I don’t want my Bride to think I’m some charity case or mooch.

I’ve quit pushing my side hustle of carpet cleaning that I’ve done for a dozen years now because of my chronic lower back pain. Though I’m finally progressing after five weeks of chiropractic appointments and rehab, it still hurts some.

I’m afraid that if I start doing carpet cleaning again, I’m going to ruin what little progress I’ve made attempting to rid myself of the back pain. But it pays well. My Bride wants me to quit doing it altogether, but I can’t keep earning what I am with my writing and feeling like a loser.

The last alternative that I see is getting a Joe-job. Do what the average American person does and go work somewhere full-time that I honestly can’t stand to be. Give up on my Writer’s Journey to chase a paycheck and have some asswipe telling me what to do.

That sounds as appealing as breaking my back working for myself at carpet cleaning.

I’ve been happier than I’ve been in years these past 16 months as a writer. I have made so much progress from Day One on Medium as a newbie writer to where I am today.

But today, I’m feeling like giving up on the dream. I can’t take much more of these feelings that I’m failing my family because things aren’t happening fast enough. I feel lost right now.

I hate that money dictates our choices in life. Most people never realize the chance to chase their dreams and do what they have a passion for because of consumerism. I’m at a crossroads between doing what I feel I was born to do and doing the right thing, as a husband and father.

I don’t blame my Bride if she’s doubting me today. She’s always been encouraging through this entire process. I doubt she’d want me to give up just to take some average job, even if it would really help us financially.

I know that she believes in me and my talent in writing. But how much is she supposed to endure with this? How long should she have to wait for my dream to start paying off? I feel such guilt about this whole thing.

I’m going to think this through a bit more. I’m always attempting to cover more ground daily in my Writer’s Journey. I need to pick up the pace before I make a detour or even end this journey. Damn it, I don’t want that to happen.

I’m hanging by a thread today. I hope it doesn’t snap.