I’m Gonna Take a Long Nap, Then Binge on “Warrior Nun” on Netflix. I Just Don’t Feel Funny This Week.

I mean, I “feel” funny, but that’s probably from what I ate.

Well, “fun” times ahead. Apparently, I have at least one blockage in my heart.

My wife said, “Well, that explains a lot.” No. I didn’t rise to the bait. I was too tired. And I am sure she was joking. She’s funny, sometimes.

I have “The Procedure” on Friday. The one they use to determine where the blockage is, how many, and what they are gonna do about it. I think they call it an “Angio-something.” Hopefully, just one stent. They had an opening today, which I begged for, but the hospital insists on a current virus test.

“I just had one for this procedure,” I said, yesterday. “I got the test last Thursday, 4 days ago.”

She said, “They need a more current one.” Huh. You can get even more current than that? Okay.

I have had three C-19 tests in a month(watch. . .this will trigger Medium’s warning that anyone can publish an article here. If you have read my stuff, you already know that).

At first, I thought they used this long clear skinny tube to collect the specimens. Then I saw it was a long, clear “Q-tip” like thingy.

It’s a fun test. I gagged the first time. Then I resolved if The Orange Man can do it (unless he is lying), then I can. So I did.

They have to take a sample from the back of your throat and the back of your, er, nose, uh, thingy. Um, your sinus’ stuff.

They use the same swab for both. I said, “Please tell me you do the throat first?” Funny nurse. You ever notice how funny nurses are. Yeah, me, too. She said, “No. We have to get the boogers from your nose first, then mix them with the phlegm from the back of your throat.” With a straight face.

I guess the look on my face said it all. “No, no, just kidding.” She was laughing. I said, “How times a day do you tell that joke?’’

“A lot,” she said. And before I could ask, she said, “And, yes, it’s funny every time!”

I laughed until I stopped. I guess she likes the look on people’s faces.

Today, when I had to get my third test, I knew what to expect. I even got in the right line(drive-through test). The lady who took my medical info recognized me and wished me good luck.

When it was my turn, no jokes. I am too nervous about Friday.

A very nice nurse said turn your head towards me, open wide, stick out your tongue and say, “Ahhhh.” So I did. No problem. It goes all the way back to the very back of your throat. Okay, I gagged a little. But I made it through it.

Then it was the nose’s turn.

The first two tests, they did my right nostril. They have you tilt your head back, expose your nose(lower your mask a little). Then they shove the same swab all the way back until it touches your brain. Well, at least that’s what it feels like. In fact, the ER doc, on the first one I had, actually called it a “Brain swab.” He was funny, too.

I laughed until I stopped.

So, back to my drama. So, this time, the nurse uses my left nostril. They carefully shove in the thingy until it touches the back, then swirl it around like they’re collecting cotton candy.

“Ten seconds,” she said and started counting down like a rocket launch.

“You have a nice passageway. Very straight.”

“Nhank oh,” I think I said.

“Shh! Don’t try to talk!” Well, excuuuuze ME!

She gets to zero and pulls it out.

“Very good,” she said, as it slipped the rest of the way out.

Just then, she pointed to my nose and added, “Uh, you have. . .uh, some. . .uh, stuff hanging. . .uh, out.” Yeah, no kidding.

“Oh, ha ha. Sorry!” I reach up and touch this long, stringy piece of. . .well, you get the idea. Of course, no tissue. So I used my, er, hand. Yep, long, sticky, yucky mess.

“Oops! Haha. . .that ain’t working.” Ode to Dire Straights. I look around, find a paper towel. “This will work.”

I look up, and she is literally staring at my nose with this “yucky” look on her face. “Um, want a tissue?” A little late.

“No, I’m good. Ha ha.” VERY little enthusiasm, there.

Drive away, Chuck. Just, drive away. So, I did.

Chuck Roast tries to write Satire and Humor. Sometimes other stuff, too. This is some of that “other stuff,” with a modicum of humor. But one thing he likes is comments from readers to interact with. Please feel free to leave a comment, Or, if you write your own story about getting tested for the virus, or heart problems, please tag me. I’d love to read them, and comment back to you.

PS: If you enjoyed this story, here’s a subtle push towards my newsletter. When you subscribe, I’ll send you some original, never before published content, and some links to my Medium stuff as soon as I finish with this medical crap. Thanks to Kristi Keller for the inspiration for the wording of this blurb.