Solo Love is Giving Me Carpal Tunnel

The sexual energy inside me has to go somewhere.

Who knew you could experience carpal tunnel symptoms from a decent amount of solo love?

Certainly not me.

I went in for a full body massage recently and before the session began the therapist asked if I had any problem spots. I mentioned tension in my shoulders so he said he’d give those extra attention.

As he worked out those knots and proceeded to knead and apply pressure to the rest of my body I noticed he lingered longer than normal on a spot in my forearms.

Weird.

After the session ended he met me outside the room and commented on my forearms. He said they seemed unusually tight and he was curious about what could be causing it. At the time I had no idea but offered that I work on a keyboard at my job and also use one for my writing in the evenings. This info didn’t seem to relieve his confusion. He told me to pay attention to any activity where I feel tightness in that area while doing it. That’ll be my clue.

Later that night I was lying in bed alone and my thoughts drifted to a guy I’d been chatting with on a dating app. Our messages have been fun and flirty. With my libido stoked by our conversation, my imagination took over. My fingers wandered southward and BOOM! The spot in my forearms ignited.

Hot damn. That’s what’s causing the tightness.

But what am I to do? My libido is high and I don't have a boyfriend. The sexual energy building inside me has to go somewhere.

I’ve tried channeling that energy into Pickleball and weightlifting. I’ve tried releasing it by twisting and twerking to an Earth Wind and Fire tune in my living room. I’ve attempted to funnel it into gardening or chopping up carrots in the kitchen. But none of those activities quite relieve the sexual tension pent up inside me and they certainly don’t fill the need for skin time. They don’t satisfy the need for touch or for feeling desired.

That need, that longing, that drive to touch and be touched has to go somewhere. It can only be shoved down and denied for so long before it needs to surface. My bottled-up sexual energy craves to be expressed.

When it becomes too hard to hold it all inside and there isn’t a healthy option available I’ve sometimes resorted to releasing it in ways that aren’t so healthy for me.

“We can become so desperate for connection that we make havoc from all the hungry parts of ourselves.” — from This Here Flesh by Cole Arthur Riley

This stifled sexual energy is one of the reasons I ended up having an affair. When I was married, I lived in a deficit of physical contact. My body ached to express the love I had for my spouse but that sexual energy stayed lodged inside me because my ex showed little interest in being the recipient of my passion. My affair partner became the channel for that expression.

I know having an affair wasn’t right. But the need to be desired and to release that energy was — and still is — very real.

It’s also led me to accept a FWB situation once simply to scratch the itch even when I knew ultimately it wasn’t what I wanted. It’s made me susceptible to sexting a few times with someone I met online to satisfy the craving to express desire and to feel desirable in return.

All of this may sound like sex-crazy behavior to some people but I believe it’s simply that my libido is on the high end of the spectrum. I also know I’m not alone in feeling this way. Through conversations I’ve had with many others, I’ve learned there are lots of us out there who are in the same boat.

One of the things writing about my affair has done is to provide a channel for others to open up to me privately. It’s become an underground version of an entirely different ‘me too’ movement.

I hear so many stories and they’re painful to read because I know what it’s like. Many affairs don’t happen simply for the thrill of having sex with someone else. They happen because a person has a strong need for skin time. These people are deeply in love with their partners. They want to express that love for them physically and their partners are saying no.

Now, I know some people behave disrespectfully or treat their partners poorly and then expect sex. I’m not talking about those people. I’m talking about the ones who pick up the kids from daycare, make dinner, do the laundry, and take the trash out. They say and do kind things for their partners. They do their best to please them and make their life easier.

Of course, it’s impossible to know what goes on behind closed doors. There are two sides to every story and every marriage is different. But I certainly know what happened in my marriage so I know some of the stories I hear must be true. When the marital expectation is monogamy and sex is denied for whatever reason it puts the one who needs it in a tough spot.

That sexual energy has to go somewhere.

As for me, that fun and flirty guy I’d been chatting with and hoping to meet told me the following day that he found someone else so I’m stuck coping with tightness in forearms for the foreseeable future. Although it’s tempting to slip back into those unhealthy ways of dealing with this energy I’ve come to accept they aren’t going to work for me in the long run.

So I’m back to solo love. A set of wrist guards may be in my future if I don’t find someone soon. I hope to heaven I won’t need surgery.

kasey sparks, © 2024

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