Summary

The article satirically critiques the glorification of waking up at 5 AM as a productivity hack, suggesting that writing quality is not dependent on early rising times.

Abstract

The author of the article humorously challenges the popular notion that waking up at 5 AM is a key to success and productivity, as often touted in numerous Medium articles. They argue that the time one wakes up is irrelevant to the quality of their writing or work, and they mock the cliché headlines that promote this concept. The piece is interspersed with fictional interactions with "Larry," a prototype feature of Medium, to illustrate the absurdity of the 5 AM wake-up culture. The author emphasizes that the freedom of being a writer allows one to work at their own pace and that forcing oneself to adhere to an arbitrary wake-up time does not guarantee better output.

Opinions

The author believes that the emphasis on waking up at 5 AM is an overrated productivity strategy and does not inherently lead to better writing or work.
They mock the trend of writing articles that promote the idea of early rising as a path to success, suggesting that such content is formulaic and unoriginal.
The author suggests that the quality of writing is not tied to the time of day one writes, but rather to the individual's creativity and dedication.
They express a preference for writing at their own preferred times, whether it be early morning, late at night, or any other time when they feel most productive.
The author uses satire to criticize the clickbait nature of articles that use buzzwords and sensational headlines to attract readers.
They imply that the fixation on waking up at 5 AM is a form of performative productivity, rather than a genuine approach to improving one's work.
The article pokes fun at the idea that following the routines of successful individuals, like waking up early, will automatically lead to similar success.
The author's interactions with "Larry" serve to highlight the sometimes comical and frustrating aspects of new technology and features within platforms like Medium.

Writing Advice

I’m Better Than You Because I Wake Up At Five. 5 PM.

The Benefits of Waking Up Whenever You Are Done Sleeping

This is Larry. Larry is a prototype. He blinks. Keep watching. Photo by Andrea Piacquadio from Pexels

First one I saw one was 4 articles down the first time I ever looked at Medium. 5AM. Sometimes it’s Five AM. Sometimes 5AM or Five AM or, 5 a.m. One guy who wanted to be different said 5:30AM. Genius!

What magical things will come out of my fingers at 5 am that don’t at Midnight? I’m up at 5 am all the time. It’s 4 am and I’ve been up since Five too. Five PM. I’m either writing at 5am, playing video games, or having sex. Occasionally with another person involved.

Time is an outdated construct. I have never clicked on a 5AM story. I don’t want to encourage people who write headlines like this:

Why I started waking up at 5am

10 reasons you should wake up at 5am

Why productive people wake up at 5am

Why Garry Vee wakes up at 5am

Why you should start writing everyday at 5am

I am a sex worker who stopped putting things in my vagina 5am because writing

I may click on that last one. Normally I’d use embeds because these are real stories, but I’m going for that thing that I can’t mention otherwise it won’t happen. What happens if I use all of the phrases they like at once? Watch this.

Seven Reasons Why I am an Empathetic Highly Productive Black Woman Waiting on COVID-19 Testing Results Because I was Curated While Microdosing Acid in my Transsexual Vagina while Having Sex with Donald Trump while Cops in San Francisco Wake Up at 5AM Facebook Diet Short Story Social Distancing Here’s 5 Reasons Why

I wrote that at 5 AM. But I’m one of the best writers on this site and probably write better than all the people writing about 5AM combined. Even if I’ve been up on a Ketamine bender for 3 days. It’s not that I’m good, they just suck. Hell, I’m really just a performance artist playing a character who is a writer.

Got that Larry?

Larry?

LARRY!

Dammit! Larry is stuck again. Hold on, I need to call help desk. Go read some dad jokes in other MuddyUm stories, I gotta make a call.

Later

“Okay I think I got it, thanks for all your help Randy. Yes I will. Uh-huh. 10 you got it. Different area code, sure… I’LL GIVE YOU A 10 RANDY! (Hangs up)”

Fucking Randy…

Okay turns out I had to turn Larry off, then back on again. Not sure why it took over an hour but the excuse for everything these days is COVID.

Where was I going with this?

Right. If you don’t have to be at work at any time or even need to wear pants to do your job, why the hell would you set an alarm clock.

Right Larry?

Larry! Are you kidding me? Goddammit!

LARRY!

Finally! You can put the cup down Larry.

What are you looking at anyways?

Quora. I’d like to say I’m surprised. Must be bragging about your IQ of 182 or reading elder sister Indian erotica.

What time do you get up Larry?

Sigh… See, Larry is one of the new Medium features in development and they gave him to me to test him out. Otherwise I would have put this in my Write! Right? Write! Publication which is full of stuff making fun of stuff like this. But Medium wanted me to put him somewhere where people would actually see it. So, there’s Larry. The future of Medium.

Larry wakes up at five. And he rollerblades. And he’s on Quora.

Hogan Torah says wake up when ever the hell you want. That’s the whole point of being a writer. Don’t feel like writing when you wake up? Neither do I! Write as much or as little as you want. If you’re not feeling it, your writing will show it. Dean Koontz writes 5 crappy books a year. You wanna be Dean Koontz? Go be Koonts.

It’s 8AM and I’m tired and I still gotta bring Larry back. Come on Larry, you are going to be on the Dev servers a bit longer before they push you to Prod. Speaking of push if any one asked you slipped in the shower. I have a feeling this isn’t over though…

Made with GIMP

All pictures originally by Andrea Piacquadio from Pexels

All hail no licence photography. For more pictures of the uncredited stock model I call Larry check out my album at Pexals. Use Larry in your writing, use my pictures of Larry in your writing, but please call him Larry.