I’m Battling An Invisible Enemy On A Daily Basis And It’s Tiring

What keeps you going when you just feel like giving up?

Over the last decade or so, taboo topics have slowly been more openly accepted by the public in general. What topics am I talking about? Topics such as sex, homosexuality and mental illness. All of these topics were considered taboo and were forbid to be discussed openly. Although there are still many in society that consider these topics taboo and won’t discuss it openly, more and more are accepting it as something that can and should be talked about more openly.

The biggest taboo in the society in which I live in is about sex. The next biggest one? Mental illness.

Because of how strong religion is in my country, mental illness is rarely (or never) talked about as I was growing up. Honestly, if you even suggested that you had one, you wouldn’t get any help at all. If anything, you’d be mocked or ridiculed for it because it would have been seen as you’re lacking in faith or you’re just very weak spiritually. That was how it was viewed for the longest time. People who struggled with mental illnesses, depression, etc were all viewed as someone who was weak spiritually. And that was always seen as a very bad thing.

It was the reason why for the longest time, no one bothered to look for help if when they really needed it. They knew that they won’t get it or it would be met with a lot of obstacles and would probably make their battle even harder than it already is.

It was also the reason why I kept quiet when I was going through a tough patch over a decade and a half ago. I was 19 and suffering from depression. It was a very dark and lonely place. Despite coming out from that, I still have episodes where I feel helpless and hopeless every now and then. For the past year or so, I’ve felt that on an almost daily basis.

And it’s tiring.

It’s tiring fighting an invisible enemy whose weakness you don’t know. It’s tiring fighting an invisible enemy that doesn’t even have a face that you can focus on. It’s tiring when you have to do battle almost daily.

I can safely say that I’ve never once contemplated ending this life and I pray that those thoughts will never ever come.

The main reason why that thought has never crossed my mind is possibly the fact that I still very much have reasons to keep going, even when the going seems to be really tough.

My family — especially my wife and son — have been the main factor that I’ve not given up yet. I still have so much I want to do for them and if I were to give it all up now, I’d never forgive myself, even in death. My family is the reason I survived back then and they are the reason I’m surviving my daily battles today. And it’s this reason that I want and hope those going through their own battles to have/find.

It’s when we lose the reason for living — whatever that may be — that we lose the battle.

Yes, it’s tiring.

I’m tired. I’m tired to the point that I do wonder if there will ever be a day where I might think and feel that those I love, those who love me will be better off without me around.

But with them as a my reason for being around, I know that I have a very good chance of winning this battle for good in the near future.

If you’re like me and many others who are probably worse off, do you have a reason for why you’re still fighting? Do you have a reason to fight? Because if you don’t, please find a reason to do so. Find a reason to keep fighting, to keep going because this battle can be won. It’s won’t be easy, it won’t be without scars and sacrifices, but it can be won.

And I want to win.

I want you to win.

So let’s win this together because as tired as I am from fighting this invisible enemy on a daily basis, I’m more tired of it being around.

Let’s keep fighting until we beat the shit out of it once and for all.

I know I can.

I know you can.