I’m back

Or at least, I’m no longer gone.

I last wrote on Medium back in December 2022. That in itself was the only article in a dry spell since late October. I thought the December piece was me reigniting something, and in some ways it did, but mostly it was a farewell.

I had a tough time in the second half of 2022, dealing with anxiety and depression. Writing had been my only way to firefight the dark times. At the height of my writing I was publishing stories every other day, and yet it couldn’t prevent the flood waters.

That’s not to say that writing wasn’t helpful, it was. I just think the pressure I was putting on myself that writing was the most important medicine backfired a little bit. What do you do after a failed suicide attempt? Write more? Blame writing and stop?

I didn’t really do either, I didn’t really do anything consciously. I just faded away from the online world and quietly started to rebuild. I’d always liked the process of writing. Put my feelings in text, post it to the world, release some of the weight from my shoulders. Occasionally, I’d get a comment that encouraged me, occasionally I’d not get a comment. It was the writing that mattered.

In December though, after I posted my last story, as I started to rebuild my entire life, I just stopped writing. Completely. Not a single word. That article ignited something, it just wasn’t writing. I think in many ways actions speak louder than words, and at that time, I had run out of words. My brain took action.

Not consciously, but I shifted my focus to my bucket list and spending time with my kids. Those two things completely absorbed me, (I also started – and subsequently graduated from – my teacher training, which consumed many hours).

I find it interesting now that the writing stopped dead in its tracks and my brain found a new remedy for my mental health.

I had no intention of writing again, no urge, nothing. Yet, here I am at 4 am, writing.

I was sound asleep and out of nowhere I’m awoken at 2am and I don’t know why, but I’m re-activating all my writing accounts, medium, discord, twitter, CoSo… I see a few messages from writing buddies who I’ve inadvertently ghosted for 8 months. I apologise to them and promise to make up lost time with them.

Then I write this. It’s not a comeback. More a message to say that I’m no longer absent. That I’m alive and well. That I’m 11/250 on my bucket list. That my kids and I are doing just fine. That I’ve met a new special someone. That I’m happy – I still have down days, but they don’t last very long.

It’s strange how the mind works, but I enjoyed writing this. Hopefully now I can get back to sleep. I’ve got a flight to Rome to catch in a few hours and a weekend of sightseeing, before catching another flight to the islands of Scotland.

Maybe, I’ll write about how all that goes…