I’m At A Stage of My Life Where I Can’t Help But Say What I Feel
As a former people-pleaser, this is beyond liberating.
I never thought I’d reach this point.
For the longest time, I was the quintessential people-pleaser. Speaking my mind was a foreign concept, something that seemed reserved for those who navigated life with a confidence I could only admire from a distance.
The idea of sharing my thoughts, especially in moments of conflict, terrified me. I had mastered the art of nodding along, smiling when necessary, and tucking away my true feelings for the sake of maintaining harmony.
So, the mere thought of expressing a dissenting opinion or asserting my needs? It sent shivers down my spine.
My people-pleasing tendencies were not born out of nowhere. As a child, I had to learn how to survive in a family where conflict was the norm and expressing individual opinions felt like navigating a minefield. The unspoken rule was to avoid rocking the boat at all costs, and I quickly adapted by becoming invisible, agreeable, and complacent.
However, it all changed when I gradually realized that my desire for approval was draining every ounce of my being. I was depleted, plain and simple — an empty vessel longing to be refilled with the authenticity I had suppressed for far too long.
Something had to change. I had to change.
When we’re conditioned to minimize ourselves and have no idea how to set boundaries, we often mistake assertiveness for aggressiveness.
Assertiveness is the ability to express our thoughts and feelings in a calm, confident, and respectful manner. It’s the ability to set boundaries, communicate our needs, and be very clear about what we will and will not tolerate.
When we’re assertive, we navigate conversations with a sense of self-assurance, advocating for our well-being while still acknowledging the perspectives of others. Being assertive doesn’t mean being rude or dismissive; rather, it involves an honest and direct communication style that encourages understanding.
Aggressiveness, on the other hand, involves expressing opinions or desires in a forceful or hostile manner, often at the expense of others. It stems from a place of insecurity and the need to dominate, rather than a healthy assertion of our needs.
The people we want in our lives will never see our assertiveness as a threat.
When we decline an invitation or a request politely but firmly, stating our limitations and priorities, we’re not being aggressive — we’re being assertive.
When we communicate to a friend that a particular behavior is making us uncomfortable, outlining our boundaries and expectations for mutual respect, we’re not being aggressive — we’re being assertive.
When we calmly express our feelings to a partner about a situation that is bothering us, seeking understanding and resolution, we’re not being aggressive — we’re being assertive.
The confusion between assertiveness and aggressiveness arises when we’ve been ingrained with the belief that expressing our needs, disagreeing with others, and standing up for ourselves is inherently confrontational. We think that any form of assertion will be perceived as a threat to the harmony we’ve been conditioned to prioritize.
But here’s the thing: the people we want in our lives will never see our assertiveness as a threat. Those who do are simply projecting their insecurities onto us— and that’s their problem, not ours.
After years of therapy and self-healing, I’ve finally reached a point where expressing myself comes naturally to me.
Now, I have no tolerance towards compromising my values to please others or suppressing my needs to maintain a facade of harmony. I no longer shy away from setting boundaries that safeguard my well-being or hesitate to articulate my thoughts and feelings.
If someone attempts to invalidate my boundaries or dismiss my needs, I stand firm. It doesn’t matter how complicated or disrespectful the person is — I know my worth, and I won’t allow anyone to undermine the hard-earned self-respect I’ve cultivated.
Or, if someone is lying and being manipulative, I see through it and hold my ground. I let them know I won’t tolerate that kind of behavior. If they keep going, I remove myself from the conversation — and, if necessary, I remove them from my life.
It’s that simple. My peace of mind and integrity are non-negotiable, and I’m willing to make tough choices to preserve them.
I’ve already spent too much time neglecting myself.
Boundaries are not restrictions; they are the pillars supporting a life filled with purpose and authenticity.
In this journey of establishing my boundaries, I’ve noticed that those who have a strong sense of self and healthy boundaries themselves have no issue with mine. Instead, they appreciate the mutual understanding and cultivate a space where each person’s needs are acknowledged and respected.
On the other hand, individuals who struggle with their own boundaries always find it challenging to respect mine.
As you navigate your personal journey, remember this: You deserve a life where your needs are acknowledged and respected. You deserve to be surrounded by people who cherish your individuality.
Don’t accept anything less than that.
in Those Who Judge Your Boundaries Are The Ones Who Need It The Most
True, lasting change is not easy. It requires us to turn inward and get in touch with our deepest fears, beliefs, and emotions.
The journey to this stage of my life, where I can’t help but say what I feel, involved redefining my relationship with conflict and confronting the fear that had held me captive for so long — the fear of not being loved and accepted. I had to unlearn the notion that disagreement equaled rejection and recognize that authentic connections require honesty.
More importantly, I had to learn that I, too, deserved to express myself.
This may sound obvious to some of you — that we all deserve to express ourselves — but I had internalized the belief that my thoughts and feelings were somehow less valid or significant than those of others. It was as if I had unconsciously placed myself at the periphery of my own story, letting the narratives and expectations of others take precedence.
The process of reclaiming my voice involved dismantling these self-imposed barriers. I had to challenge the limiting beliefs that undermined my self-worth and recognize that my perspective held value.
In this process, I discovered that expressing myself wasn’t just a right but a responsibility — to myself and to those around me.
We’re all conditioned to wear a mask, a disguise that veils our true selves in the pursuit of approval and acceptance.
This mask often leads us to compromise our authenticity, as we contort our thoughts and feelings to make others feel comfortable. Instead of being honest, we swallow our words, suppress our feelings, and mold ourselves into shapes that fit the expectations of those around us.
However, there’s another path — one that involves shedding the mask and embracing authenticity.
When we choose this path, we reclaim the power to express ourselves and protect our well-being. We remind ourselves that we deserve to stand firm in our truth, even if it makes others uncomfortable. And, unknowingly, we invite others to do the same. We show them that it’s possible to be themselves and set boundaries.
That’s when we discover the true power of authenticity — not just in transforming our own lives but in creating a ripple effect that encourages those around us to embrace their genuine selves.
