OLD IS OLD

I’m an Old Man

Old — that’s what I meant to say

Whoever came up with the euphemisms “Elderly” and “Senior Citizen” can put them “where the sun don’t shine” as they say nowadays.

In this I have most decidedly turned into my father, of blessed memory. I can still hear him: “I’m not a senior citizen! I’m an old man! I’m proud to be an old man! Being an old man means I didn’t do any of the dumb-assed things that get you killed when you are young! Or I quit them, like with smoking and drinking! Being an old man means” etc etc. He could go on and on, I have to say. Anybody who knows me will tell you how I can go on and on so there is another way I’m turning into my father.¹ I even sort-of look like him!

I recall that our handwriting, or that is to say, hand printing — he had and I have illegible cursive — were identical. When he was alive everybody said we sounded exactly alike on the phone.

But to get back to my main point: Euphemisms for being old.

Elderly: I’m sorry, but does this mean I’m like an elderberry bush, genus Sambucus, whatever that might mean? Or that I’m, like, an elder, as in respected member of the community? That sounds like something other people should decide, and thus it shouldn’t automatically be assigned to anyone who manages to survive past the age of sixty, or sixty-five, or whatever. To assign it to myself would feel like putting on airs.

Senior: I was a senior during my last year of high school, and, as everyone knows, high school is nothing but disappointment, madness, despair, and cruelty. Once was enough, thank you.

Senior Citizen: The above, plus I have been a citizen since the day I was born, so why should I suddenly adopt “Senior Citizen?”

Compare either of those two with

Old: Three letters, one syllable. George Orwell would be proud.

“Never use a long word where a short one will do.”

― George Orwell

Some object that old implies slowing down, creeping uselessness. As far as slowing down goes, I’ll own that. I stick to numerous slow-making practices. For example, I use a password manager but I repeatedly say no to the auto-fill feature, with which if I chose to do so I could make it so that when I went to, say, Amazon.com, it would automatically log me in with the password stored in my password manager identified as belonging to that site. Somehow that seems to defeat, to some extent at least, the purpose of the password manager itself with its unguessable-password generator. Yes, I’ve slowed down — I’m no longer always in such a hurry that I need to compromise my internet security. If I lose my laptop or my phone and someone finds it they won’t be able go on Amazon and order a bunch of stuff for themselves. To do so they’d have to know my master password, which exists only in my mind. When I get so old that I have forgotten my master password what will be the difference anyway? I’ll be lying in a hospital bed somewhere shitting myself. If I reach that sorry pass will someone please smother me with a pillow?

I also don’t use those features which allow you to speak into your phone and have it do what you say. I know it’s faster but it just seems creepy. Nor do I let Alexa look stuff up for me, turn on the lights, music, etc. — Again, creepy.

So, yes, I’ve slowed down. It’s mellower this way. My average bicycle cruising speed isn’t what it once was but I’m still riding my bike around everywhere, so there! Besides, it’s not unusual for me to be stoned out of my mind on my bike so taking it on the slow side is a good idea, wouldn’t you agree?

Since I mentioned it, I suppose I should address the creeping uselessness that is implied, in the minds of some, by the word old. I’m retired, as in no longer working and contributing to the society — whatever that might mean — but rather living off social security along with my 401k plus my wife’s by extension. We have never differentiated between “your” money and “my” money so why would we start now? Before the pandemic I did volunteer work. Who knows when that will come back? In any case I’m spending my fixed income on goods and services so I guess that counts as “contributing to society.” I found money accumulating in my savings account — what’s there to spend it on? — so I got my teeth fixed. Cost north of 10K but insurance covered a couple of grand. The result is worth every penny. I celebrated by plowing though a box of Cheez-its®.

I will continue to take things slow. I have what I need, and I am loved. Should I not slow down and enjoy it?

¹ Oh wait — I’ve always been a motor-mouth.