I’m Afraid I’ll Cheat On My Husband Now That He’s Had an Affair

Does one good turn deserve another?

My husband and I are currently going through intensive rounds of couple’s therapy after I caught him in a destructive emotional affair.

I’ve finally gotten comfortable with calling it that. I wasn’t sure what to call it at first, because we weren’t in your typical monogamous situation. We had been discussing polyamory or open marriage, something I was initially interested in, for more than two years. But we were still all talk, no action.

After being in a long-term relationship for 12 years, I’m a firm believer that sex with only one person for the rest of your life doesn’t work for everyone. I also believe romantic love isn’t any less meaningful when it’s shared with more than one person. We can love multiple siblings, multiple children, multiple friends, and family. I think we can also love more than one romantic partner, and that doesn’t make the love any less powerful.

I realize not everyone feels this way. Some people prefer and/or need monogamy — so there’s no judgment on my part either way.

However, the betrayal I felt from my husband was not that he fell in love with another woman — but that for months he talked about how much he hates me and wants to leave me. He said terrible, verbally abusive things about me. He was either lying to me or to her about not wanting to be in this partnership (maybe a little of both).

That was the betrayal: those mean, heart-crushing, degrading words about me that he shared with this other woman for months.

And when you combine everything together — his sexual desire for her, the nude photos, the hiding and secrecy, and the fact that he loved her while actively hating me — that’s not the “open ethical non-monogamy” we had talked about. That’s betrayal.

And now — I’m afraid I’m more likely to cheat on him. For now we’ve stopped talks of non-monogamy after it’s blown up in our faces, and so it would be unethical for me to pursue something with another person.

But I’m afraid I may do just that. I’m afraid I’ll strike something up with someone else and not be honest about it. Maybe I’ll flirt with them, have deep text conversations, make out, have sex — all without my partner’s knowledge or consent.

Every relationship is different. You don’t have to follow the rules society tells us to follow. But for the rules my husband and I have set for ourselves thus far, a secret relationship would be cheating — and this is where my monogamous friends can relate.

If my husband and I stay together because our relationship works in important areas other than sex, I’m afraid I’ll be more apt to cheat on him now that he’s had an affair.

He broke my heart so deeply and so thoroughly and in a way, I won’t ever forget — and I’m afraid that the trauma and pain he put me through will weaken my willpower. I’ll be less concerned about betraying him, about protecting his heart, because he’s already thoroughly demolished mine.

There are plenty of reasons why people stay together after an affair. But if your partner cheats, and you decide to stay, are you more likely to cheat later on?

That’s the question I struggle with now.

Revenge Cheating

I’ve been reading about revenge cheating lately. I’m not really a fan of this term, because it doesn’t accurately encompass all my feelings. It simplifies something complex within me and implies I want to purposely hurt my husband.

I’m not interested in hurting anyone. Hurting people who piss me off, I’ve learned, often leaves me feeling unsatisfied for stooping to their level. I also end up feeling guilty. I’m a deeply empathetic person, and I just don’t get joy out of inflicting emotional pain.

Maybe reactive cheating would be a term I can better relate to. But whatever you call it, people do it.

One UK-based website created for married people to find affairs surveyed 1,000 of its members and found that revenge cheating is more common among women, with 37 percent admitting to it compared with 31 percent of men.

These are women who didn’t initially plan on having an affair but feel justified in their cheating because their partner has already done so. Maybe they stay in the relationship because they feel stuck, or they don’t want their children to hop from house to house in a shared custody agreement.

Whatever the reason, some people stay married after a partner has cheated. And sometimes, one affair begets another.

I wouldn’t cheat for revenge. But I’m afraid that I’ll face temptation, maybe even go looking for it. And ultimately, I might not be able to resist it. My desire will be too great, or I’ll talk myself into believing I’ve earned it or deserve it.

Like a guilty pleasure that I indulge in as a form of self-care.

I know how messed up that sounds. I have flaws, but lacking self-awareness isn’t one of them.

I’m not saying I’ll act on these feelings, but it’s something that I’ve been thinking about lately. My husband and I are getting along well. Therapy is going great. But our sexual relationship is non-existent. I love him, and he is making great strides as a partner and parent. We’re a good domestic team. But since the affair, we’ve been a strictly platonic team. I don’t know that I’ll ever want to be sexually intimate with him ever again.

But I think I’ll eventually want that with someone. And if I happen to find an opportunity for it, will I be able to turn it down?

Feeling Tempted

I was recently chatting with a close friend of mine, who said he and his wife were recently talking about open relationships. They are friends with a couple who opened their marriage, and he’s seen that it works well for them.

“I’m the jealous type,” my friend said. “So I’m not sure if I could handle my wife being with other people.”

But, he admitted that as a man in his mid-thirties, he’d love to have other sexual relationships — and he thinks there may be something tried-and-true about the sneaking around method…

Of course. Of course he can come to terms emotionally with having a secret affair, but the thought of his wife enjoying herself with someone else is just too much. Better she does it and he not know about it, and the same goes for him.

Why though? Why is it easier for some to handle the guilt of an affair than the jealousy of seeing their partner happy and enjoying a relationship with someone else?

On the other hand, I guess I can understand his side of things even if I’m not a believer in the method. If you are with someone who is strictly monogamous, or at least, who wants to appear strictly monogamous, then an illicit affair can certainly re-energize things and make you feel alive again after being with a partner where the passion has long since cooled.

But, I need to be fully honest with myself.

Am I only considering my friend’s point of view because I have feelings for him? Because I’ve had feelings for him for a long, long time, but have never acted on them? And now that my husband has broken my heart, then maybe, just maybe, I’m no longer so opposed to acting on them?

I have to wonder.

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