I’m Absolutely Sick of Twerking
Please stop
About once a month, you’ll find me in the club playing ‘hide and seek’ with bouncing booties. I am not a seeker but instead hiding from this torturous encounter that most men deem pleasurable. As a celibate male, you might believe that I find twerking torturous because it’s tempting. However, I find it quite repelling and label it as torturous because of its annoyance.
Why would a celibate man be in the club?
“If I’m up at 7:30 then you up at 7:50.” Welcome to my life. This is the sound of my sister’s voice booming out of the nightclub speakers. If you haven’t guessed, my sister is female rapper Jamie Bondega. I’m part of her management team; a position that I find quite enjoyable.
No matter which club we attend, it’s always safe to predict “ass” in the forecast.
There’s big ass, small ass, nude ass, vibrating ass, twerking ass, and then there’s my celibate ass who’s tired of ass.
What about boobs?
Okay, you got me. I like boobs.
So what exactly made me sick of ass?
Two years ago, I committed to abstaining from ejaculation for an entire year. In the process of doing so, ass became my rival. We were like Ali and Frazier, Lakers vs. Celtics, and Kanye vs. paparazzi.
In an attempt to resist the physical pleasures of the female booty, I began to ignore it. However, my newfound ignorance to “ass’’ seemed to give it the gift of omnipresence.
The ass that I’ve tapped in the past would simultaneously appear in the club disguised as a present hoping to be unwrapped in my future. To antidote the possibility of any undesirable urges, I say a silent prayer when I encounter the thirsty: “Ass be hopeless.”
But why boobs?
In my pursuit of love, I’ve always encountered boobs. Boobs (or boobies) are the guardians of the heart. It is simply impossible to bypass the boobs while attempting to touch the heart.
Ew, she twerked in my face
I sat in the v.i.p. section of the club, stagnant and disinterested, as a woman put her dance moves on full display by twerking in my face, making her booty the only available image insight. Despite being out of my nonexistent twerking repellent spray, I was fortunate to have another outside force expel her from my eyes.
While in mid-twerk, another male began to slap her bottom in a front-hand/backhand-like motion. His obvious interest and hands-on approach qualified him as the singular focus of her twerking.
Twerkers are targeting me
After visiting multiple clubs, it seems obvious that I’m a target for twerking. Perhaps I should identify as irresistible because booty has yet to show me any resistance. Despite my celibacy, booty is often thrown to me by route of an underhand pitch, waiting to be knocked out of the park.
But no, “ass be hopeless.”
Why are you twerking anyway?
I’m Larenzo, a passionate writer. However, this article requires my best scientific expression as I attempt to do my best modern-day Charles Darwin impression.
In an attempt to generate potential male prospects to fertilize her eggs, the human female deploys different tactics for doing so. Over time, behaviors that are dominantly rejected by males slowly make an exit from the prospecting repertoire. Behavior that was repeatedly confirmed to be effective for attracting mates continued to constantly be deployed by default.
In today’s world, twerking has been occupying the top spot of the default list and has become humanity’s official mating call.
The power of the twerking booty
A simple stroll to your local nightclub or Instagram story is sure to reveal the following scenario:
The female human begins her nearly failproof twerking ritual that begins to cast a spell on the male which subjects him to involuntary booty worship. Now that the bait has been caught, it’s time to reel him in.
The female proceeds to go down to the floor and twerk with her legs spread while sitting on her knees, which creates the illusion that her booty is the size of Megatron. With the male’s present exaggeration of her increased butt size, he is now being reeled in by the gravitational pull of the booty.
Mission accomplished. The male and female are now on a collision course as he proceeds to give her his perceived yardstick dick.
The immorality of twerking
As humans, we are an immortal species who reproduce despite the morality of tactics being deployed. Despite my intention to distance myself from twerking booties, I don’t find twerking to be immoral and don’t believe that twerking disqualifies a woman from having value.
The one thing that annoys me more than twerking are the men that verbally condemn the behavior while simultaneously providing their sexual stamp of approval.
Should I credit my unconscious interest for its role in having the Instagram algorithm present booty on my newsfeed?
How did men influence twerking?
Because of man’s lack of control over his lust, he allows himself to be distracted by the dimensions of the female booty and dims his eyes to the inner qualities of women. He then proceeds to pursue the female with dominantly lustful intentions.
Through the eighty’s, the nineties, and two thousand’s, women were increasingly being bamboozled by men. Not all, but some men, would disguise their lustful intentions as a love interest and didn’t do diligence to what he portrayed himself to be.
Now, thanks to the internet, porn is more accessible than ever and has multiplied man’s need for lust. The average male takes a trip inside his pants multiple times per day and strokes his itsy bitsy pecker while busting more nuts than a squirrel.
Because of porn’s deliverance of instant sexual gratification, men saw no need to wait an extended period to feel ejaculatory pleasure. Men became less persistent in approaching women and were now in constant pursuit of digital sex.
As mentioned earlier, his newfound obsession with sex put a blind eye to the inner works of women. To compete, some women (not all) began to serve ass as an appetizer instead of a dessert, as this proved to be a more effective manner to reel a man in. This is what makes twerking effective. Twerking is to a man as a worm is to a fish. Man, like fish, will almost always bite the hook.
CONCLUSION
I wrote this article to give an alternate view from the male perspective. I am often surprised by the lengths the modern man goes to victimize himself in this “war” between men and women.
I often write about semen retention, and several members of my audience are in constant avoidance of accountability and proceed to blame their lustful desires on women.
Yes, twerking does annoy me but I don’t believe that twerking is an absence of dignity. You are only disrespecting yourself if twerking isn’t one of your values. If your values are in line with twerking, please continue but don’t put it on my face, please.
Key takeaways from this article:
To all the women who’ve shown their sexual interest in me over the past year, thank you for your inquiry but I am still celibate and ass be hopeless. Ladies, please remember that I’m not looking at your boobs, I’m looking at your heart. Renzo out.