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Abstract

and nephew’s children. I’m sure they were initially told to do so, as I was a pathetic lost soul upon receiving the call from my older daughter’s husband, cutting me out of their lives. They took away my granddaughters I had helped care for from infancy, then 5 and 7. With no warning, no clue anything was wrong. Just one random, businesslike phone call. That was all I was worth. Who knew? Fool that I was, I thought they loved me, everyone did, including my husband, who was equally shocked.I won’t pretend I’m over that, I never will be. But I wonder at times, since they so disliked me, letting me know they had been considering this for years, if my husband had died, rather than me divorcing him, would that have been their opportunity to remove the children? I think so since my daughter admitted the only thing that had prevented them from doing so sooner was that they felt it wouldn’t be fair to her dad. Perhaps they did me a favor in a sense. They are robotic, utterly devoid of human emotion.I can imagine my husband dying suddenly in an accident, and the minute the funeral was over, the children being whisked away from me. Cause, that’s just how they roll. My heart grows harder as time passes, and I continue to hope I never see my daughter or her husband again. I might faint.Even more amazing to me than buying the house was buying a car. For the first time in my life without my father or husband along with me. I bought a new car. Amazing.Church has reopened and I’m back at my little receptionist job. The YMCA is in full swing again. When I’m feeling extra motivated I go and swim laps.I feel like I climbed out of a black hole and I can see light again. Of course, I have bad days. Last summer was very tough. Not only did my dog die, a few weeks before I lost her I stepped off the edge of the sidewalk in the dark while walking her, and suffered a life-altering fall.I sustained three fractures, to add to my previous nine, and three doctors have now told me my ankle cannot be repaired. I also suffered a very serious concussion and continue to grapple with memory and distraction issues. They keep telling me it can take a while to recover from these

Options

things. But the doctors are concerned enough that next up for me is another neurologist.So don’t get me wrong and think I’m so changed I have reverted to viewing the world through rose-colored glasses. I know way better than to set myself up. I’m still fragile, I’m very aware of that. But I’m so much better than I was a year ago. I have hope that I might continue to find something positive in most of my days.Initially afraid to love my infant granddaughter, I couldn’t resist her and refused to dwell on pessimistic thoughts of her being harmed in an accident and taken away from me. I have every reason to believe my love for her will grow as she continues to.I decided I deserved something good just for me. I’m a good person at heart, and I’ve worked hard to make a new life for myself, after nearly snuffing out the one I had. It’s a different life, but I’m making the adjustments necessary to finish arranging it. Therefore, this weekend I’m giving myself a trip to California to see a couple of old Marine friends, who will make sure if I encounter an unexpected fiasco I am taken care of, as I explore yet one more Spanish mission. That’s something I absolutely love doing.<figure id="00f7"><img src="https://cdn-images-1.readmedium.com/v2/resize:fit:800/1*phaF0pEvXdoYj9Ni_B5csw.jpeg"><figcaption>Author’s Personal Photos</figcaption></figure>I’m working on another very important change, even at this late date in my life. I have spent my entire life apologizing for things I haven’t done. If someone was upset, I somehow felt I needed to say I was sorry and to try to make it better. Or, lest I offend someone, apologize before I even uttered words that might. Though they were in no way directed toward them.Many thanks to a Medium editor who removed an apology from a story I recently wrote, because I hadn’t done anything wrong! Imagine that! It took a Medium editor to remove an apology I issued, because, as he explained to me, I hadn’t done anything wrong! He was right, there was nothing at all wrong with what I said. Apologizing for uttering a sentence I was concerned some readers might not welcome isn’t necessary. They actually don’t have to read it.</article></body>

I’m About So Much More Than My Unhappiness

I’ve been gone for two years today!

Two years! I moved out of my house two years ago today! After more than 38 years of marriage, I left. Unlike last year when I was still in shock and floundering, so much has changed in my life for the better this past year I no longer feel lost.

Almost 14 months have passed since I bought and moved into my townhouse. Initially overwhelmed by the repairs I had no idea it needed, I now feel as though I have a baseline knowledge of the important issues that comprise basic home maintenance. I have four plumbers I trust. A wonderful electrician. A carpenter, a guy who hangs things and puts furniture together. I found someone to repair the cracking concrete on my patio. I got the back fence repaired, new patio doors — the floors I debated on so laboriously turned out great. I learned to paint myself!

I found out heat pumps have an inside part too. It’s called an air return and it broke 4 days before I moved in. When the outside unit was replaced, the inside part wasn’t. That’s a big no-no. Another repairman taught me how to change the air filter ( another item I had never heard of) and I do it about every 6 weeks to try and help it not have to work as hard.

Even more astounding, I think I now pay all of my bills online! I barely knew how to write a check when I moved out. Who still writes checks? Not me!

Best of all, I have a new baby granddaughter! She streams sunshine into my world with a huge smile upon hearing my voice! She laughs when I lift her over my head and fly her through the air. It’s without a doubt her favorite activity.

My younger daughter and her husband welcome me into their home as an overnight guest whenever I can come. I’m allowed to let my granddaughter watch Sesame Street! I’m not afraid of breaking the rules, because they are flexible.

My family continues to surround, protect, and shower me with love. Especially my niece’s and nephew’s children. I’m sure they were initially told to do so, as I was a pathetic lost soul upon receiving the call from my older daughter’s husband, cutting me out of their lives. They took away my granddaughters I had helped care for from infancy, then 5 and 7. With no warning, no clue anything was wrong. Just one random, businesslike phone call. That was all I was worth. Who knew? Fool that I was, I thought they loved me, everyone did, including my husband, who was equally shocked.

I won’t pretend I’m over that, I never will be. But I wonder at times, since they so disliked me, letting me know they had been considering this for years, if my husband had died, rather than me divorcing him, would that have been their opportunity to remove the children? I think so since my daughter admitted the only thing that had prevented them from doing so sooner was that they felt it wouldn’t be fair to her dad. Perhaps they did me a favor in a sense. They are robotic, utterly devoid of human emotion.

I can imagine my husband dying suddenly in an accident, and the minute the funeral was over, the children being whisked away from me. Cause, that’s just how they roll. My heart grows harder as time passes, and I continue to hope I never see my daughter or her husband again. I might faint.

Even more amazing to me than buying the house was buying a car. For the first time in my life without my father or husband along with me. I bought a new car. Amazing.

Church has reopened and I’m back at my little receptionist job. The YMCA is in full swing again. When I’m feeling extra motivated I go and swim laps.

I feel like I climbed out of a black hole and I can see light again. Of course, I have bad days. Last summer was very tough. Not only did my dog die, a few weeks before I lost her I stepped off the edge of the sidewalk in the dark while walking her, and suffered a life-altering fall.

I sustained three fractures, to add to my previous nine, and three doctors have now told me my ankle cannot be repaired. I also suffered a very serious concussion and continue to grapple with memory and distraction issues. They keep telling me it can take a while to recover from these things. But the doctors are concerned enough that next up for me is another neurologist.

So don’t get me wrong and think I’m so changed I have reverted to viewing the world through rose-colored glasses. I know way better than to set myself up. I’m still fragile, I’m very aware of that. But I’m so much better than I was a year ago. I have hope that I might continue to find something positive in most of my days.

Initially afraid to love my infant granddaughter, I couldn’t resist her and refused to dwell on pessimistic thoughts of her being harmed in an accident and taken away from me. I have every reason to believe my love for her will grow as she continues to.

I decided I deserved something good just for me. I’m a good person at heart, and I’ve worked hard to make a new life for myself, after nearly snuffing out the one I had. It’s a different life, but I’m making the adjustments necessary to finish arranging it. Therefore, this weekend I’m giving myself a trip to California to see a couple of old Marine friends, who will make sure if I encounter an unexpected fiasco I am taken care of, as I explore yet one more Spanish mission. That’s something I absolutely love doing.

I’m working on another very important change, even at this late date in my life. I have spent my entire life apologizing for things I haven’t done. If someone was upset, I somehow felt I needed to say I was sorry and to try to make it better. Or, lest I offend someone, apologize before I even uttered words that might. Though they were in no way directed toward them.

Many thanks to a Medium editor who removed an apology from a story I recently wrote, because I hadn’t done anything wrong! Imagine that! It took a Medium editor to remove an apology I issued, because, as he explained to me, I hadn’t done anything wrong! He was right, there was nothing at all wrong with what I said. Apologizing for uttering a sentence I was concerned some readers might not welcome isn’t necessary. They actually don’t have to read it.