I’m A White Ally Who Loves Black People

Blackface is a sign of respect for the beautiful Black people

It was another day working from home. Last night was hell. A riot took place outside my house. Screaming white folks screaming at other angry white folks. Why do they always need to scream. I needed to understand.

Two hours later, tired with no sleep, I got into an argument on Twitter. The rage was real. The death threats scared me. A mob descended and claimed I was invalidating the lived experiences of Black people because they were dissimilar to my own. I was invalidating their experience.

So I took the initiative. I applied make-up and went full Black-face. Instead of gaslighting someone into believing their feelings aren’t valid, I chose to lead with empathy. What better way to get under the skin than to have the same skin?

Within hours and heavenly blackfaced, I turned on my camera and Tik-Tokked the shit out of it, launching the video to the masses.

While applying the make-up, I learnt that Black was beautiful. I couldn’t describe the feeling of empathy that washed over me. All of a sudden, I felt akin with the Black community. I was the Wakanda Queen. Beautiful and proud.

I could now zoom face to face with my Black brethren. I was living their experience. I couldn’t wait to fill out applications for jobs and be rejected. This was my destiny. I was to become a spokesperson for the Black community, for the disenfranchised, for the minorities and especially for Black women who struggled daily to be heard.

That very morning, I strolled outside a new woman. I wanted to feel what my Black sisters were feeling. I wanted to believe Black people when they talked about systemic racism. I wanted to feel alive but scared. I wanted to know what having no privilege felt. Pull me over and make me fear for my life. This was how I was going to get at the very heart of the issue.

I knew when the day had ended I would be able to look once again my Black sisters in the eye and tell them, “I know. I walked in your shoes and felt your pain.”

Call me ally, for I’m here for you.

Sure enough, once the make-up was gone, washed away, I totally understood how Black people felt. I got it. I knew what cm understood oppression. I felt connected with victims of police brutality. I got their pain. Living a day in a hate-filled environment was eye-opening. I fully got micro-agressed and victimized.

Dear Black friends and colleagues.

Allow me, the Former Queen of Wakanda, to lead you. It would be an honor for me to become your spokesperson for Black people. I see it as my duty, as one who has lived as a Black person, to be your ally.

Thank you for listening and opening your hearts. Remember, we all need empathy. And please, don’t forget, buy my make-up at Shanghai Observed.

Use this referral below so I can hijack a portion of your membership fees and spread intolerant views, lewd behavior, and gut-wrenchingly bad prose.

And if that’s not to your liking, then you can either fuck off or simply subscribe in the knowledge that you are in the company of an inscrutable swine who doesn’t give any fucks.

That’s your last warning.