I’m a Vain New Library Book

Summary

A new, pristine library book is anxious about being checked out by children, fearing damage to its perfect condition.

Abstract

The new library book, proud of its crisp cover and unblemished pages, is aware of its superior condition compared to older books. It is vain about its appearance and fears the common wear and tear that comes from being handled by young children, such as spills, marks, and damage. Despite its reluctance, it is aware of its appeal to children and ultimately resigns itself to the fate of being borrowed, hoping to survive the experience without damage.

Opinions

The book has a high opinion of its own physical appearance, considering itself the "fairest of them all."
It is apprehensive about being handled by children due to the potential for damage from spills, dog bites, crayons, and other sources.
The book is somewhat condescending towards other books, suggesting they are not as desirable as itself.
It expresses a preference for being admired from afar rather than being physically interacted with.
The book is resigned to its fate of being checked out, acknowledging its appeal to children and the inevitability of the situation.
It shows a level of snobbery, fearing the fate of being discarded or given away for free to someone with less clean habits.
The book is witty and personable, using humor to express its anxiety about being borrowed.

And I’m begging you not to let your kid check me out

I see you eyeing me from across the stacks of old, beaten down books. The librarian propped me up here because I’m new and I am beautiful. From this vantage point, I can see every book in this joint and clearly I am the fairest of them all.

Do you see this cover? Look closely. The lines are crisp and sharp, untouched by spilled juices and drool. And my pages! OK, we’re getting a little personal here, but sure, page through me. Run your fingers over the unsullied perfection of my crisp, lustrous paper. Feel the ink on my pages, smooth and unmarred by dog bites, crayons, and that slimy stuff you always find smeared on your TV remote.

If I had legs, I would strut up and down the top of this shelf like it’s a library catwalk and you’d all be mesmerized. We both know just how fabulous I am, but I’m begging you. Please! Do not let your kid check me out and take me home.

Look, there are plenty of other perfectly good books in this library. Have you tried I’ll Love You Forever? I hear it’s a little creepy, but give it a whirl. It’s a classic!

No? How about The Very Hungry Caterpillar? Oh, I see. Your kid only wants me. Well, I can’t say I’m surprised, but I won’t just go home with the first preschooler to look longingly upon my straight, magnificent spine.

Ack! He’s coming over!

Let me see those fingers, buster. Hmmm. They seem fairly clean. When was the last time you washed your hands? Five minutes ago? I guess that’s acceptable. Did you touch anything after that?

Ewwww! Why would you even admit that in a public place?

OK, you can look but DO NOT TOUCH. I’m warning you. I am not going to end up where the discarded books go. I’ve heard it’s sharp and shreddy. Or else they send you home for free with some poor slob whose hands are even grosser than yours.

No! Tell your mommy to put her library card away! I am not going home with you! Eek! You touched me! I can feel something disgusting sinking into my previously perfect pores. You don’t know what pores are? Well, you’ll find out pretty quick when you turn into a teenager.

Aaaaaaaaah! You touched me again. No! Do not pick me up. I’m warning you! I have friends in the reference section!

OK, OK. I can see I’m not going to win this fight. I mean, I am fabulous. What kid wouldn’t want me? Hey, is that a new Paw Patrol book over there? No really, I swear. Just look for a second.

I can’t believe you’re already too old to fall for that.

Ugh. OK, fine. Check me out and take me home. But I’m hiding behind your 8,542 other favorite stories as soon as we get there.