I’m a Man on Hinge and I Want You to Know This is Not My Child
This kid would have no idea if you and I hooked up.
Yo! Hot potential dad material! That’s probably what you thought when you came across this profile pic of me and a smiling kid. Cute, right? And boy do we look like we’re having fun. That was right before you read the caption that says, “not mine!”
Sure, I have a couple pictures with this kid, but I want to be very clear that they’re NOT MINE. They’re just a kid I’m around a lot. I mean not a lot, just like every other weekend. We’re practically strangers, me and this kid! It’s not like the kid knows what I’m up to on Friday nights. This kid would have no idea if you and I hooked up. Also, just to be clear, this is my sister’s kid. I’m not like, a weirdo.
I realize the every other weekend thing makes it sound like I’m a divorced dad. I’m not — I’ve never been married. Or in a long-term relationship. Or, strictly speaking, monogamous. Some of my ex-girlfriends have even called me “commitment-phobic.” So there.
Look, I put those pictures on my profile because I know you want to fantasize about me being a family man. A potential dad who already has the dad bod! Hot, right? Plus, if you’re thinking about children, you’re probably also thinking about sex. Which I’m definitely thinking about. In fact, there’s a 50/50 chance I send you a dick pic within our first five messages — but that’s just because I want you to be able to see the equipment I might be using when/if we have these children. Think of it as a courtesy.
Also, I don’t 100% know that I want to have children. But I figure you do, so I just want to be totally clear that I know at least one child.
I mean, if we’re getting real, I’d maybe be into the having kids thing one day — but I’d want to travel through Asia first, move to a different city, buy a house, and find someone who existentially completes me and makes me feel whole and nurtured while also being incredibly sexy. So maybe in five years. Or ten. I’m only 34!
Really, my dating profile is just a window into the person that I might be. There are also photos of me running a 5K and petting a goat, and it’s not like I’ve done those things more than once. I’m not running and goat-petting all the time. So it’s kinda the same thing with the kid.
It’s not like my friend Chase whose profile is just gym selfies, skydiving, and memes about tacos. Give me some credit here! I’m not leading with taco memes. I’m simply leading with a pic of me in a tuxedo six years ago (dead sexy) and a cute kid (dad sexy).
And before you say, “that seems to be sending mixed messages,” maybe take a look at your own profile and tell me how many times you’ve actually gone hiking in the last two years. Was it once? When that photo was taken?
For that alone maybe you should just send me a nip pic. It’s not for me! It’s to envision how you might breastfeed our potential child.
Okay fine, maybe let’s just put a pin in this kid thing for right now and talk about what really matters. Like, have you watched “The Office”? How long have you lived in the city? Any siblings?
Wait, where are you going?! Alright, well, watch out for Chase. That dude has four kids.
Nicole Beckley is a writer and performer whose work has appeared in the New York Times, Tribeza, McSweeney’s, and Slackjaw, as well as in many small theaters and on at least one public access channel. Learn more at nicolebeckley.com