I’m a Lesbian with Male Privilege

I currently inhabit a rather bizarre world. I am defined by so many different and conflicting descriptions and labels.

Am I a guy who thinks he is a girl?

Am I a girl disguised as a guy?

Am I a woman trapped inside a man’s body?

Am I mentally unhinged because I think I am female and should be treated by a mental health professional?

Am I suffering from a birth defect and a condition that has a medical remedy?

Am I a husband and father?

Am I a cisgender male or a transgender woman?

Am I a sexual deviate or just another point on the gender spectrum?

Am I straight or am I a lesbian?

Am I loved by God or am I an abomination in His eyes?

Am I butchering a perfectly healthy body or am I correcting a birth defect?

Am I entitled to equal rights or am I outside the intent of the US Constitution?

Am I a lesbian with male privilege or am I male invading hard-fought-for safe female spaces?

There are so many choices and so many conflicts. So much internal turmoil. There are so many people willing to judge me who I have never met. So many of them think I am crazy and so many of them are mad at me. I never thought my life would wind up so complicated at this stage.

Being cisgender is soooooo much simpler.

At the end of the day, I have to rely on what I feel I am and at least take solace that medical and mental professionals agree with me, my gender is female. I need to filter out the ignorance and the bigotry better but their opinions always seem to leak in.

So, I figure I am a repressed female raised male who likes women stuck inside a male body.

Please tell me which bathroom can I go to? I really have to go!!!

Emma Holiday

Writers note: If you have read any of my writings on Medium you will have noticed a definite theme: the incredible pain of gender dysphoria and all the difficult aspects of just being transgender.

My writing has three specific goals:

1. Writing is my therapy. I have a very limited outlet for my thoughts so I write to find a way to process the most profound experience in my life. I need to understand and I need to accept myself to move forward.

2. Being transgender, for me, is a very lonely existence and if I can share some of the things that I feel and think as I go through the process of transitioning with others who are transgender and, in some way, lessen their pain and sense of loneliness, then all of this public exposure of my personal thoughts is not a waste.

3. I write to help cisgender people understand that all trans people want is to be simply understood, accepted and treated as a normal person. We are.

Thank you for reading my work.

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