It’s the same thing again and again

I’m a Groundhog, and I Don’t Want to Be Your Damn Spirit Animal

Yeah, we can chuck wood … at your head

A little animal biology. Groundhogs, we are solitary creatures. We are self-reliant and make intricate homes burrowing six feet into the ground that usually include a man cave.

We don’t have friends. Once a year, we venture out and hook up for a wild month-long fling. But it’s NSA. GWB. We don’t get the feels.

In my considerable quiet alone time I get in touch with my feelings. I’m pretty attuned to my environment. It plays out as intuition.

Is intuition in now? Lately, I have a line of hipsters and hippies lining up outside my burrow who want to recruit me as their spirit animal.

Pray tell, greasy-bearded human, why do thou desire a groundhog as your spirit animal?

“Uh, I like the way they hang out alone and think and rely on themselves. Only once a year, do they have fucks to give.”

Wow how intuitive. You see me. You complete me. Fine. Tell everyone I’m your spirit animal. But for the love of god just leave me alone.

I don’t want to hear you and your single-gear bike meetup crew serenading me with “How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?”

It’s meta. I get it.

We can, uh, chuck wood. We can chuck it at your goddamn head.

If you respect us and our solitary nature, here’s a little team-building advice. Don’t parade us out to the entire city in our pajamas and grill us on whether winter will continue.

I’ll pick. But have you ever heard of the Monty Hall problem? You’re supposed to ask if I want to change my answer. I always want to change my answer.

Picking me as your spirit animal doesn’t give your natural intuition a boost if you couldn’t figure out I don’t want to be friends. I don’t have friends. I have some cis-gender groundhogs-with-benefits dealios, but that’s it.

You want to be a groundhog? Then start acting like one. Go hibernate. Stay in your territory. I don’t want to grab a beer and listen to your superficial problems. If you’re having trouble, here’s my advice.

Dig deeper.

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