I’m a 30-Year-Old Virgin, and Here’s Why I’m Waiting till Marriage — An Interview

Challenging prude-shaming is as crucial as calling out slut-shamers

Sex is important in our lives, regardless of gender, age, socioeconomic background and other identifiers. The axiom is: everyone cares about sex, and it is on our minds very frequently.

Everyone has a different story when it comes to their personal lives. Some individuals have experiences that may seem unusual to us, which is why it’s imperative to share our views with others and learn from people around us. I interviewed a lady who has never been married, and she’s not engaging in a sexual relationship before marriage. Her experience might seem atypical in certain social circles, but it’s equally valuable.

Our guest’s name is Bell (changed for anonymity), and she agreed to answer my questions about her sexless relationships.

Hello, Bell. Thank you for sharing your story with me. Can you please, introduce yourself?

Hi. Of course! I’m Bell, I am 30, and I’m waiting till marriage to have sex.

This is quite interesting. Would you like to tell the readers what influenced such a decision?

I chose this path because it made the most sense to me. When I was young, I started learning about sex and relationships; I observed people around me and decided to learn from their mistakes. I never judge others, but I feel like you can learn a lot from other people’s relationship experiences. I wanted to start a relationship and have sex for the right reason, hence me waiting till marriage.

Do you consider staying a virgin until marriage the right way to approach the relationship?

I don’t think it’s right for everyone, but it is for me. I don’t want to influence others, as it’s not my business what they choose for themselves. But I went down this path, and it served me well.

What kind of questions do others have when they hear about it?

I usually hear assumptions, not questions. People look at me, smirk and say:

“Oh, you must be religious.”

And then they are baffled when I say I’m not. I do have a religious affiliation, but for me, it’s about spirituality. I go to church on holidays, I believe in God, but that’s it.

Unfortunately, when others hear about not having sex till marriage, they automatically assume I blindly follow a religion. They don’t think I made that decision on my own merit after years of self-education, learning from others and developing my own opinion on the subject.

That’s why I rarely talk about this part of my life. It causes a lot of outrage and backlash when I discuss it with people.

I’m sorry you get a bad reaction from others. What else do people say?

The next statement I hear after assuming I’m religious is:

“You are saving yourself for a man, aren’t you?”

This concept is foreign to me. I’m saving money in my savings account. I’m saving my yearly bonus for a down payment. I am not “saving” any part of my body or my being for anyone.

The whole idea about being innocent, modest and shy, and choosing to stay a virgin for a future husband, is absurd to me. I’m not shy; I’m immensely confident. I’m not modest — I find many ways to express myself. And I am definitely not innocent. I have a decent amount of sex education, I’m comfortable with my sexuality, and I explore my body on my terms. I don’t need to “wait” for another human or “save” myself for anyone.

Remarkably, you look at things that way. Do people question you about your sexual experience?

They do. It’s disturbing at times. When I say I’m a virgin, some people have the following responses:

“Oh, but you’re probably a “technical” virgin. You’ve had non-penetrative sex, right?”

“But you’ve done oral, haven’t you?”

“So, do you have anal sex then?”

I encountered such questions often on dating apps. It’s easier to ask something like that when you don’t see that person in front of you. Not every guy would have the audacity to ask that to my face. I received a ton of unacceptable questions and remarks in my life.

I’m truly sorry you have to experience this. Would you like to share any details pertaining to this topic? Is there any sex involved when you’re with a partner?

I’m a little bit flexible, so to speak, and I have well-defined boundaries. I don’t have a problem sharing the bed with my partner. I’m also okay doing light petting and touching. My clothes stay on at all times, though. The farthest I’m willing to go is touching my partner, but it doesn’t translate into any form of sex.

But the sad truth is, regardless of your choices, people will always judge you. Someone told me I am “fake-innocent” because I’m okay with touching. I bet that even if I were a nun, someone would have said:

“But you’ve seen a penis, right? See! You’re a slut”.

And then:

“Wait, you haven’t ever seen a penis? But you’ve watched porn, right? You’re still a slut”.

There will always be people who judge us, regardless of our choices. I prefer not to listen to such comments.

This is outrageous… Do you get grief from a particular group of people?

I do. Surprisingly, women react much worse compared to men. I met some males who were unhappy and even angry about my sex choices. But the reactions I received from females were much worse in comparison, especially because I expect women to understand my decision from a female perspective.

Why do you think women react this way?

There are many layers to this issue. Due to the hypocritical slut-shaming culture, some women start projecting my experience onto their own and comparing themselves to me. What upsets me is that people assume I am a judgmental prude who throws shade on people who chose another path. Or even worse, they conclude me feeling superior compared to them. None of those statements are true — in fact, I’m radically opposite.

I despise slut-shaming, I dislike judging others, and I don’t think I’m better or worse than anyone. I don’t think we should be comparing ourselves to others in general. But sometimes people jump to conclusions. There is nothing I can do if someone “puzzled together” my personality in their head. All I can do is try having a conversation and explaining my vision. It often falls of deaf ears.

So, most of the time, I choose to bite my tongue and not share my experiences.

Did you get any responses from groups like LGBTQ+ and others? Any groups related to sexuality?

I don’t think I’ve ever mentioned my sex choices within an LGBTQ+ group. I’m a huge supporter of this cause and a vocal ally, but I’ve never gotten a chance to express my life choices that way. After all, I’m not a part of LGBTQ+, and the conversation should be about them, not me.

I did, however, get some backlash from a few feminists. Apparently, since I adhere to the “old-fashioned” relationship and family philosophy, I’m a bad feminist. The good news is, I’m perfectly capable of distinguishing feminism and toxic feminism. The whole movement is about choice, not about pushing certain views onto half of the planet and conforming them to one specific norm.

It’s upsetting you received such comments. Do you consider yourself a feminist?

I am a feminist. I made a choice to stay a virgin until I get married. I wasn’t brainwashed, nor was I blindly following a philosophy. No one forced me to make this choice.

I’m comfortable with my sexuality; I talk openly about sex when I want to. Me not casually sleeping with a bunch of men during open-minded times does not constitute being a “bad feminist.” All it means is me making an unpopular choice.

Emma Watson once said:

Feminism is about choice. Feminism is not a stick with which to beat other women with”.

I agree with that statement. A few toxic people trying to beat me with that imaginary stick won’t change my support for the feminist community, or the LGBTQ+ community.

Nicely said! Would you like to share any other interesting opinions you’ve heard? For example, does your family approve?

They have no idea; I never told them about my decision. I mean, they might suspect I’m conservative with my personal life. Or maybe they don’t. I spend quite a lot of time going out with my friends, and once in a while, I’m away the entire weekend. They might as well think I’m sleeping around. (laughs)

This isn’t the answer I expected. Are your parents conservative? Don’t you think they would be proud of your choice?

Possibly. But I don’t want them to know about my personal life unless it’s absolutely necessary. I want them to love and respect me regardless of me choosing to wait till marriage, or having a serious sexual relationship, or sleeping with people left and right. Our value isn’t based on how many sexual partners we have had, and everyone should be treated with the same amount of respect.

That’s very true and deserves admiration! May I ask you if it gets tough at times, physically or emotionally?

Physically — probably not, as I’m taking care of myself. Emotionally — sometimes. But I don’t think my experience is much different compared to any other person. Sexual or not, relationships are tough. I bet I worry about failed romance as much as any other girl.

Have you had good experiences dating and being in relationships so far? it scary to be 30 and a virgin?

If I had a good relationship, I probably wouldn’t be a virgin at the age of 30 (laughs). So far, I had a few long-term romances, and they didn’t work out. Online dating wasn’t very successful, either. I wouldn’t call my experiences bad, but finding the right person is a challenge. As you may have guessed, I am not willing to settle for someone who isn’t a good partner or doesn’t have a family orientation.

Right now, I’m single. I wouldn’t say it’s scary to be celibate at 30. I think that staying celibate serves me incredibly well in life so far. I have definitely avoided several bad relationships and a ton of men trying to use me and breaking my heart. Telling a guy that sex is not included in the “dating package” works as an excellent filter. If you’re not on the same page, you part ways very quickly.

Isn’t it frustrating to encounter people who reject you for not having sex with them?

It’s a little bit upsetting if you think about it in the grand scheme of things. Some people tend to see others as disposable. If they cannot use you, they will find someone else to take advantage of both physically and emotionally. And while I protected myself physically, I most definitely encountered males who were trying to use me emotionally.

But no, I don’t judge men who say “no” to me. I appreciate it at times. They’re not trying to prove themselves that they are “good guys” by having a sexless relationship. They are being upfront about what they’re looking for, just like I am. And there is nothing wrong about expecting to have sex while dating.

Everyone is in different stages of their lives. If a guy is looking for something more casual, it means we’re not a good match. The goal is to find a proper one.

I agree. Okay, I think it’s time to finish our interview. Thank you very much for your time and for telling me your story. Is there anything else you would like the readers to know?

Watch out for a female version of the “40-year-old virgin” movie. If I don’t end up meeting a good partner who accepts my views, Hollywood may film a movie about me.