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Abstract

fucking-lutely prayers!</p><p id="e901">So near as I can tell, this is how it’s gonna go.</p><h2 id="c10c">Chance of hell … 100%.</h2><p id="59ee">This, even though I’m one of the chosen people.</p><p id="c19a" type="7">It seems like me and my peeps have been chosen for some bad shit a couple of times in history and hell is certainly in keeping with that bright trend.</p><p id="32f5">And speaking of bright trends and sparkly events, I often get good parking spots when no one else seems to be able to find one. So there’s that. Thanks Olde Testament bad, bearded, stern God.</p><p id="73cf">Also, as a kid, I won a plaster-of-Paris Batman statue at a movie premiere. There were hundreds of people in attendance but the Lord chose to shine his light upon me that day.</p><p id="f675" type="7">See what I mean about a 100% chance of going to hell?</p><h2 id="5840">How big is hell (will there be room for me?)?</h2><p id="0538">Google wasn’t my friend on this one. I briefly tried to find the answer in acres, hectares, square miles, city blocks using downtown Cleveland as a guide, and got nowhere (part of my eternal torment is apparently starting now).</p><p id="fd88">Then I lost interest.</p><p id="cb7f">So, now there are two great reasons that I’ll go to hell</p><ol><li>Jew</li><li>Sloth (one of the seven deadly sins)</li><li>Oh, and the whole Jesus thing (that’s three, you lazy Jewish non-believer, you)</li></ol><p id="1679">But still, will there be room?</p><p id="831a">I figure thusly. It’ll be crowded, like the 300-plus-pounders swarming the corn dog giveaway at Costco. So, if I’m lucky, maybe I’ll just blend in.</p><p id="ebde">Plus, tons of folks who died before Jesus was born will be packed in there. Thanks again Nik. You’re my savior (or “saviour” for those hellish British and Brit-related heathens).</p><p id="a9cf">Then there’s this bit of good news.</p><p id="f2ea">Only about a third of the world’s population is Christian. Even if all these wise guys truly believe (and it seems doubtful based on the behaviors I’ve seen lately), there’s 5.5 BILLION, that’s Billion with a B (and would it be anything else but Billion with a B, you buffoon) who will be flaming out alongside me.</p><p id="5e12">I’m hoping to find a quiet spot in back and just blend in. I practiced this

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at all the junior high dances I attended and it worked pretty well there … speaking of hell.</p><p id="4c3a" type="7">Then there’s the babies and the newly-minted fetus people who don’t even get a shot at knowing Jesus, and those nuts who knock on your door and try to convince you of shit and secretly loathe you when you’re not interested, and all the Doctor Funny editors, and soulless dolphins (who may have self awareness), and dogs (some of whom may as well, except toy poodles), and on and on.</p><p id="9851">Bottom line, big crowds.</p><p id="c2a0">I feel better already.</p><p id="318b">I’m still going to the hot zone, but it’ll be years before I’m noticed. I’m sure something will work out in the interim.</p><h2 id="8b7a">Then there’s the 8th amendment</h2><p id="3c0e">I find it hard to believe that the founding fathers are better thinkers than God. He/She/It/They knows everything, that’s EVERY-fucking-THING, with an “E!”</p><p id="3b36">So, no cruel and unusual punishment in the US of A, but I can be tortured mercilessly for all eternity (The technical definition of eternity is “forever +1”, or the length of time it takes for a so-called friend to scroll through their their travel photos on their phone, while you watch at an awkward angle), by the loving God that created me.</p><p id="a939">This, even though I’m a fairly decent sort of guy (Although I did eat a cherry in the grocery store before buying the whole bag and didn’t tell the store manager about it. And I briefly drove 75 MPH on the freeway only yesterday.).</p><p id="8f4b">Maybe between now and when I go to the horizontal phone booth in the sky (or somewhere south of there) God will have reconsidered.</p><p id="f33d">It’d be a miracle if He/She/It/They did.</p><h2 id="68cf">Story update:</h2><blockquote id="0faa"><p>Within hours of publication, some demigod at Medium slapped the “chosen for further disembowelment” curse on this story. Further proof that there is a God, he/she/it/they is watching my every move, and I — like this story — will go straight to hell.</p></blockquote><h2 id="7b78">Story update, update:</h2><blockquote id="5b15"><p>And, several days later, realizing their grievous error in judgment, they took the honor away. Now all is right in the world.</p></blockquote></article></body>

HELLISHNESS

I’ll Never Get Into Hell. It’s Packed With People Who Croaked Before Jesus Was Born.

Then there’s my 8th amendment rights

**And, bunches of people adore whoever this is. They’ll all need a hot zone seat.** 🔥 🔥 🔥 Photo by Mohnish Landge on Unsplash

Just as I was pondering the injustice of being condemned to hell for all eternity and tortured, at the direction of the loving God who created me, Nikolaos Skordilis pointed out that the place will be crowded.

What began as a normal-sized photo of Nik mysteriously shrunk by powerful forces beyond my control. Watch yourself dude.

When a man dies without Jesus Christ as his Savior, his soul goes immediately to hell.

Good to know. So the same happened to all the hundreds of millions who died before Jesus was born right? ...--Nik

This all got me thinking.

In particular:

🔥 my chance of going to hell

🔥 will there be room for me?

🔥 how many others will be there?

🔥 does the 8th amendment afford me any post-demise protection? (Just in case Civics class has vanished from your rear view mirror, that’s the one with some bullshit about cruel and unusual punishment)

Then of course, there was Nik’s miraculous intervention in my life and thoughts. Thoughts and prayers to YOU, buddy. Thoughts and abso-fucking-lutely prayers!

So near as I can tell, this is how it’s gonna go.

Chance of hell … 100%.

This, even though I’m one of the chosen people.

It seems like me and my peeps have been chosen for some bad shit a couple of times in history and hell is certainly in keeping with that bright trend.

And speaking of bright trends and sparkly events, I often get good parking spots when no one else seems to be able to find one. So there’s that. Thanks Olde Testament bad, bearded, stern God.

Also, as a kid, I won a plaster-of-Paris Batman statue at a movie premiere. There were hundreds of people in attendance but the Lord chose to shine his light upon me that day.

See what I mean about a 100% chance of going to hell?

How big is hell (will there be room for me?)?

Google wasn’t my friend on this one. I briefly tried to find the answer in acres, hectares, square miles, city blocks using downtown Cleveland as a guide, and got nowhere (part of my eternal torment is apparently starting now).

Then I lost interest.

So, now there are two great reasons that I’ll go to hell

Jew
Sloth (one of the seven deadly sins)
Oh, and the whole Jesus thing (that’s three, you lazy Jewish non-believer, you)

But still, will there be room?

I figure thusly. It’ll be crowded, like the 300-plus-pounders swarming the corn dog giveaway at Costco. So, if I’m lucky, maybe I’ll just blend in.

Plus, tons of folks who died before Jesus was born will be packed in there. Thanks again Nik. You’re my savior (or “saviour” for those hellish British and Brit-related heathens).

Then there’s this bit of good news.

Only about a third of the world’s population is Christian. Even if all these wise guys truly believe (and it seems doubtful based on the behaviors I’ve seen lately), there’s 5.5 BILLION, that’s Billion with a B (and would it be anything else but Billion with a B, you buffoon) who will be flaming out alongside me.

I’m hoping to find a quiet spot in back and just blend in. I practiced this at all the junior high dances I attended and it worked pretty well there … speaking of hell.

Then there’s the babies and the newly-minted fetus people who don’t even get a shot at knowing Jesus, and those nuts who knock on your door and try to convince you of shit and secretly loathe you when you’re not interested, and all the Doctor Funny editors, and soulless dolphins (who may have self awareness), and dogs (some of whom may as well, except toy poodles), and on and on.

Bottom line, big crowds.

I feel better already.

I’m still going to the hot zone, but it’ll be years before I’m noticed. I’m sure something will work out in the interim.

Then there’s the 8th amendment

I find it hard to believe that the founding fathers are better thinkers than God. He/She/It/They knows everything, that’s EVERY-fucking-THING, with an “E!”

So, no cruel and unusual punishment in the US of A, but I can be tortured mercilessly for all eternity (The technical definition of eternity is “forever +1”, or the length of time it takes for a so-called friend to scroll through their their travel photos on their phone, while you watch at an awkward angle), by the loving God that created me.

This, even though I’m a fairly decent sort of guy (Although I did eat a cherry in the grocery store before buying the whole bag and didn’t tell the store manager about it. And I briefly drove 75 MPH on the freeway only yesterday.).

Maybe between now and when I go to the horizontal phone booth in the sky (or somewhere south of there) God will have reconsidered.

It’d be a miracle if He/She/It/They did.

Story update:

Within hours of publication, some demigod at Medium slapped the “chosen for further disembowelment” curse on this story. Further proof that there is a God, he/she/it/they is watching my every move, and I — like this story — will go straight to hell.

Story update, update:

And, several days later, realizing their grievous error in judgment, they took the honor away. Now all is right in the world.