Life experiences
I’ll Never Be a Ghost Again
A poem and a short life story about ghostwriting
Here and there my path has led Always a new country, desiring a new self Through challenges and empty nights No one really knew of my plights The things I’ve done to make a buck Trying to be honest, always working hard
Out of all the things I’ve done There is one my soul has not yet outrun Getting paid to be invisible I became a ghost, despicable Selling what I thought was pointless Supported by an ego I thought was dauntless
What hurt the most was secretly witnessing My words that came into digital flesh and being Incapable of defending themselves Despite bearing my voice in their pixelated cells They were exploited and forced to parade around Shared mindlessly on the screens of the most foolish crowd
No amount of money was enough to keep me going I just couldn’t keep up knowing That I would lead one more of my creations to slaughter I knew I had to be braver and stronger Financial insecurity and I are friends So I took the plunge and started making amends
First, an apology to myself Then, a warm embrace to my literary realm Giving me time to grieve and heal my wound An injury that I forced upon me with a gold harpoon Seeking forgiveness for this terrible decision and then A promise that I’ll never, ever, become a ghost again
Venturing into the world of ghostwriting started taking a toll on me after I agreed to work for a certain individual. Up until that point I was writing essays and “irrelevant” articles. I wasn’t getting emotionally invested. However, when that person hired me he was looking for articles on Psychology.
About a month into it, I found out how he used them. Of course, he paid me so what I wrote belonged to him. Why was I so upset then?
It was clear that this person was a fraud, pretending to be something he’s not, seeking fame and trying to look sophisticated. He was using my words to lure clients and charge them crazy amounts per “life-changing session”.
I didn’t want to be a part of this. Perhaps I’m too sensitive on certain issues and my OCPD (obsessive-compulsive personality disorder) makes me very keen on following rules and how things “should” be. In any case, I didn’t want to help him fool people. It got weirder when I gave him my 2 weeks notice and he pulled all the common narcissistic techniques to convince me to stay.
After several weeks of bringing this topic up in therapy, I realized something major. I wasn’t annoyed only because I was aiding someone break the rules I would never break (rules about ethical practice as a a therapist, etc.). No. I was affected this much because I went back to a state I had fought very hard to get out of.
As a child, being “invisible” was one of the most successful ways to avoid physical and verbal abuse at home. It was quite easy for me to figure out that I had to be that way, because I had seen what my older siblings went through. I didn’t expect that I would also be punished for being “invisible” though, but I’ll leave that for another story.
My therapist pointed out: “you say your words can’t defend themselves even though they have your voice, just like your voice wasn’t enough to defend you as a child”. Damn.
Would I have continued being a ghostwriter if I hadn’t come across that man? I don’t know. Probably not.
I’m grateful though for the lesson I learned: it’s never worth it to go through life as a “ghost”.