If You’re New To Being A Step-Parent, Be Patient

I spent years hating mine, but times have changed

My stepdad came into my life when I was fourteen years old. This is a challenging time for any young person, doubly so when their primary caregiver has upped and left and their mum is on the verge of re-marrying.

My dad was my primary caregiver between the age of zero to five years old. This is unusual, I know, but he didn’t earn as much as my mum did, he loved young children and had a very forceful personality — what he wanted tended to be what happened. So against her wishes, my mum returned to work after three months of maternity leave and my dad stayed home to look after my younger brother and I.

Things did not work out between my mum and dad; by the time I was eight, he was gone. Not gone gone, we still had contact with him, but it was every other weekend, which was a bit of a shock to the system after he had been around day in, day out for my whole life. He moved to a city in the North and began life as a part-time bachelor.

Fast forward a few years and my soon-to-be stepdad arrived on the scene. I was full of hurt, anger and resentment, and I was not easy to be around. I acted out. I was rude to him. I refused to speak to him. I had many, many arguments with my mum about him being in our house so much. I swore at them both, slammed doors and blasted out music from a stereo in my room.

I’m not proud of how I behaved at that time. It was definitely not my finest moment. At the same time, I think that I was a teenager struggling to process a lot of different things, so I’ll cut myself some slack.

There is one thing that did not change throughout this whole time, and that was my stepdad’s attitude toward me. From the very beginning, he was calm, gentle and patient. When I raged, he took it, and never got angry in return. Sometimes he would vocalise that it upset him, but not in a way that was attacking me or trying to get me “to behave”. He was just stating it as a fact.

As time went on, I began to realise what a truly wonderful person my stepdad was. He was kind and generous and helped me with the things that my actual dad wasn’t around for — like fixing my bike and giving me lifts to my friend’s houses. He was also funny and curious and interested in my life. He had time for me, as increasingly it seemed as though my actual dad hadn’t.

I gradually began to act out less and less. I wasn’t rude anymore. I apologised for having been so. My stepdad said thank you for apologising, but I understand that it wasn’t about me, and we moved on.

Learning that I liked my stepdad felt like a betrayal of my real dad, who was still a person that I loved deeply, despite the hurt. I tried not to talk about my stepdad too much in front of my dad, but it was hard not to talk about him when he was so present. I could tell that it hurt my dad to hear that another man was there for his children more than he was. But then it was my dad’s choice to move so far away. He could have tried to find work closer by, but he didn’t want to.

As the years have gone by, my relationship with my real dad has improved, but so too has the relationship with my stepdad. He means the world to me. I love him as much as I love my real dad. It took a long time, but he is my family, and I feel lucky to have two dads in my life.

If you’re a step parent currently bearing the brunt of a teenager’s rage, I hope that my story gives you some hope. A young person’s rage won’t last forever (fingers crossed) and if you consistently show them patience, kindness and love, hopefully your relationship will develop into one of true family.