If You’re Lonely in the Holidays, Do These 7 Things

Because it hurts.

A young woman told me in therapy she was a perpetual liar.

They weren’t big, harmful lies. They were little lies she told her parents, her colleagues — and herself — about the social life she wasn’t having.

The truth was, she was desperately lonely — and ashamed of it. She didn’t have a bestie or a group to hang out with, and the lies were a cover for her feelings.

Loneliness has had a moment this year. On the pandemic landscape, many people have struggled with the loss of live human connection; gotten a taste of how loneliness impacts mental health — and spirit.

And, hopefully, those experiences have ignited empathy for those who suffer from chronic isolation.

Most Loneliness Doesn’t Last — But Some Does.

Studies indicate up to 75% of us will feel lonely at some point. For most it’s temporary, linked to life circumstances: grief or illness, a relationship breakup, a move to a new town, city or country.

Sometimes, it’s connected to pursuing a dream or living a life no-one else understands. Or it may be about exclusion: knowing you’ve been left off someone’s party guest list or are not part of the crowd.

Chronic loneliness is another matter: when it digs in, it can have a significant impact on a person’s mental state, leading to problems that need professional intervention.

But everyone can do with some strategies to help alleviate those times when we feel alone, left out or misunderstood.

7 Strategies for Feeling Less Alone

“Nothing can bring you peace but yourself.” — Ralph Waldo Emerson

1. Stay off social media (at least for a while).

The holidays can be a tough time for lonely people. As others talk up their plans, and social media fills up with photos of laughing groups, many feel the burn of isolation. But remember those images mostly represent the best of people’s lives — not the worst. The online world can be a great distraction, but only if what you’re engaging in makes you feel better, not worse. Why would you actively pursue something that makes you feel bad?

2. Externalise feelings: they’re better out than in.

Negative thoughts and feelings have a nasty way of never giving you a break. So find a (healthy) way to download: someone you can trust with your vulnerability or a therapist if your budget allows.

If there’s no-one around with whom you can be honest with your feelings, grab a journal or open a file on your laptop, dump them there (and don’t read them back). Or express them through exercise, dance or singing. Or even yell them into the void. Aim for out — not in.

3. Switch your focus outwards to others.

Feeling bad or lonely can set up a mental loop, in which we over-focus on ourselves and the negativity of our circumstances. The best way to break it is to do something for someone else, however small. It’ll make you both feel better.

4. Make something unapologetically bad.

Creativity is hugely helpful for your mental state because it takes you out of your head and into your body. I’d go further and say we’d all be happier if we tapped our creativity, if we just got out and “made stuff”. You don’t have to be an artist; you don’t have to have a talent for anything. Just make something — a poem, a garden, a meal, a cake, a puzzle, a piece of art or furniture, a tapestry, an app, toy soldiers, whatever appeals to you.

5. Go hang out somewhere soothing.

We all have environments in which we feel better, healthier, more ourselves. The beach, a bush walk, your tool shed, a movie theatre, a plant barn, the pool. Train yourself to notice the environments in which you feel good. Spend time there — or book yourself a treat — and feel yourself breathe.

6. Be purposeful with your days.

Sometimes loneliness is not about lack of company. It’s about a lack of activities that fill you up. You don’t have to have a grand passion (if you did you probably wouldn’t feel lonely) but feeling purposeful, or useful, helps. If you’re really struggling just take it one day at a time. Ask: what can I do today that feels meaningful? And if the word meaningful makes you feel stressed, just aim for useful.

7. Hook the feelings to your life — not yourself.

Loneliness can tempt us into attributing isolation to flaws in our character/s. Yes — you have flaws, but console yourself with the fact that everyone does.

Being lonely does not mean you’re a bad or unworthy person. It doesn’t have to mean anything other than you are feeling alone right now. So remind yourself that what you are experiencing is temporary. That life can, and does, change. It’s inevitable. Yours will too.

Aiming to like (or love) yourself can be a hard call when you’re lonely and feeling down on yourself. But it’s still a goal worth aspiring to. As Henry James put it in Portrait of a Lady: “…one should try to be one’s own best friend and to give one’s self, in this manner, distinguished company.”

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