If You’re Depressed, You Have Only One Job: To Stay Alive

3 things I do to pull myself out of a depression episode. (#2 I allow myself to be depressed)

No one understands sadness more than a sad person. No one understands the burning torment of anger more than the angry person. No one knows the darkest pits of depression better than a depressed person. Only you know the extent of what you’re going through.

And if you’re depressed, you have only one job: to stay alive. That’s all. You don’t have to explain your choices to anyone.

When you’re depressed, everything feels heavy. Everything is hard. Wounds take longer to heal. Emotions never dissipate. They make their bed just beneath the surface of your skin, waiting to be triggered. And when they awaken, once your emotions are triggered, they take over your life completely. Setting off irreparable fires throughout different areas of your life. Your relationships, your finances, your soul — everything.

And slowly the mere act of remaining alive, of breathing and pumping blood through your veins starts to feel like a full-time job.

Nothing seems to work as it should. You’re tired all the time. You have inexplicable illnesses. Headaches. Irritable bowel syndrome. Constipation. Diarrhea. An array of never-ending complications.

I used to have all these complications at once. Yes, there was a time I’d have both diarrhea and constipation at the same time. There was a time when depression was a never-ending roller coaster I couldn’t jump off. But over time, it became a ride that takes stops which stretch on for months.

And when it shows up, here is what I do.

I Minimize My Lifestyle

“Just push on,” they said. “It’s just four more months”

My decision came as a shock to my friends. I was a good student. ‘Intelligent’ they said. Yes, I was intelligent but also, I was dying. It didn’t make sense to them that I dropped out of University in my fourth and final year. I was okay with them not being okay with my decision. I was fighting for my life. I didn’t need to explain my choices.

See what they didn’t understand is that depression lives in the moments. A split second. An instant. It doesn’t need time. All it needs is one moment of misery for you to give up. I knew that. I knew this truth so intimately but my friends didn’t. How could they? If they had known they wouldn’t have contested my choice. I chose to accept their position. I had no energy to fight. I chose myself.

I moved back home(with my mum) and minimized my interactions — my stressors. I stripped my existence down to survival.

I ate. I showered. And I watched movies. I read a little. I hang out with a few friends. And I slept. I suspended my goals and ambitions. I simply stayed alive and actively fought the urge to compare myself to my peers.

And when the guilt crept up, when I started to beat myself up over the fact that I wasn’t doing much with my life, I read some more. But not just about anything. I read books about depression. I focused all my energy on overcoming depression.

Stress can make you feel less able to maintain positive habits or coping strategies, which are important to managing depression. This can make symptoms of depression feel more intense. — Heidi Renner, Healthline.

And to this day, whenever a depression episode shows up, I strip my life down to the bare minimum and focus on just overcoming depression.

And then…

I Allow Myself to Be Depressed

This sounds counterintuitive. But there is a general law to everything in the Universe: Everything that goes up must come down. Similarly, everything that goes down must come up.

Depression.

Allowing yourself to be depressed doesn’t mean wallowing. It doesn’t mean sitting in self-pity. There are components to depression. Negative thoughts. Negative emotions. Negative energy(low energy).

Depression can exist without negative thoughts. You can be depressed while not thinking any negative thoughts. That’s why you can’t think yourself out of depression. But you can wait. You can quietly observe behind depression’s energy and wait for it to pass.

“My life sucks. I suck. Life is unfair. I am tired of fighting. What’s the point of all this?”

Watch out for these thoughts.

Oh, they always show up. But watch them non-judgementally without believing them. This is the most crucial step. These thoughts make depression worse. They create more pain. They stretch out your darkness for longer than it should last.

When we fight against emotional pain, we get trapped in it. Difficult emotions become destructive and break down the mind, body, and spirit. Feelings get stuck, frozen in time, and we get stuck in them. — Jennifer Chrisman, a Licensed Clinical Psychologist, Tiny Budha.

By allowing myself to be depressed, I internally strip my depression to the bare minimum. To the energy and emotions. And wait for them to pass. And without the negative thoughts feeding it anymore, an episode that could last literally my whole life lasts only a week or a few days.

Then I Understand My Triggers

The mind is always working. Always trying to understand why everything is the way it is. It’s creative that way. “Put your problem down for some time.” The masters of creativity always say. “And when you return, your mind will have a creative solution for it.”

In the beginning, I didn’t know much about depression. But over time, because of the guilt, I accidentally read up a lot on the subject. I read everything from self-help to psychology to spirituality. Everything!

Reading is easy. You don’t have to get out of bed to do it.

And the wisdom I gained in the process has stayed with me. It taught me how to observe myself carefully. To gather data for my mind’s creative process.

And in my downtime, when I am depressed and not doing anything(except binge-watching Brookline nine-nine of course), my mind goes to work.

“I wonder what triggered this episode.” I think. “Was it that comment? But a comment is too small. It has to be something that’s been happening for a while. Maybe your writing. Do you hate your writing? Do you feel dissatisfied with your work?” And on and on my mind goes.

And slowly, when the negative energy eventually dissipates out of my system(It always does), I know what small changes to make to keep me from going over the edge.

If you have a personal or family history of depression, the key is to stop this spiral before it gets out of control by putting the clues and cues together. “If you know what your Achilles heels are and can say ‘Aha!” this is what is going on,’ you are halfway there,” — Gail Saltz, MD, a New York city based psychiatrist, WebMD.

If You’re Depressed, You Have Only One Job: To Stay Alive

It’s easy to get caught up in keeping up appearances. Being a good friend. The employee of the month. The life of the party. But when you’re depressed you have only one job: To. Stay. Alive. Choose yourself. Find a system that works for you.

Stripping my life to the bare minimum. Allowing myself to be depressed. Understanding my triggers.

This 3-step system works for me every single time. Your system might be different. Your system might include some exercise. Or diet changes. Or even a vacation. Create your depression toolkit. A set of very simple things that you can still do when depression strikes. And when your next episode shows up. Direct whatever little energy you might have just to do those few things.

Depression is already so unbearable but sometimes our lifestyles make it harder. The next time you’re depressed, just ask yourself this, how could I make staying alive much easier?