If Your Way Of Comparing Brings Despair, You Are Doing It Wrong

Here are 3 self-questions to make it right.

“Forbes under 30 North America 2021”, the title flashed on my screen when I read the news. I clicked the story and there was a magnificent list of successful people below 30 from various industries.

There was a pro basketball player, Ben Simmons, 24 years old. The main actress on “To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before”, Lana Condor made her name on the list while she was 23. There was also a TikToker, Loren Gray, 18. And the list goes on.

I then pondered to myself, who was turning 29 and had no financial security yet, “What did I do when I was their age?”.

My way of comparing might seem an effortless act, but it is not an uncommon quirk. We naturally compare ourselves with others whom we think way better than us in some areas. Well, nothing is wrong with that. I find myself constantly fall into such temptation.

I wish I had grown taller like Gigi Hadid. I wish I had traveled by private jet, same as Justin Bieber. I wish my brain was as brilliant as Steve Jobs. And so on.

Such obsession is deeply rooted in our habitual practice, which is called social comparison.

Based on a study in psychology, people maintain an innate drive to evaluate themselves that commonly end up in the behavior of comparative thinking.

Interestingly, the brain also craves to find contrast.

The research found that our minds felt rewarded when we were compared with others. The information we absorbed, such as how somebody behaved and communicated, and saw one’s own self, would help our brain to gain information in making judgments and decisions.

In short, to compare means human. And it is normal.

However, why does comparison mostly lead to despair?

Because you and I are overdoing it.

Our brains and guts command and yell to the inner self so that we can seek information by finding contrast. We cannot stop. We do not want to stop.

Then the primary concern is not about setting against our nature to differentiate one another because frankly, it is not a walk in the park.

The right question you have to ask is,

How far do I have to compare myself with others?

You need to be aware of your limits.

Yes, the answer is intuitively tricky.

However, you could use some guidelines that I have practiced for some time to help you along the way in figuring out your limits:

1. Am I looking for a positive comparison?

I was a scholarship hunter. I applied to many foundations and universities. I even stalked people who received prestigious awards (okay, that was creepy). I was wondering about the traits that made them different from me. For some years, looking up to those people made me feel bad, including doubting myself. I was thinking, ‘was I not good enough?’.

Heidi Grant, the author of the book ‘Succeed: How We Can Reach Our Goals, reported to The New York Times that upward comparison could be burdensome and gave us terrible feelings. However, that might be a source of learning too. If we believed we could improve by looking at others without feeling inferior, then we were up for the challenge.

How about a downward comparison?

(Good question!) Downward comparison will also teach us how fortunate we are and helping in gaining new perspectives, especially on regrets that we cannot change.

Several clinical psychologists investigated 104 people of various ages about their greatest trepidations, such as choosing the wrong career prospect and marrying the wrong person. They discovered that those who had regrets experienced a vast improvement in their positive emotions. The downward comparison may shift our minds so that we could move forward and embark on a new adventure in life.

Both types of comparison carry valuable functions if we exercise those wisely. Knowing that each person is unique, we can learn a distinct set of new expertise. Instead of seeing others as competitors, they can become a source of inspiration for us. (How cool is that?!)

In my case, I have applied both approaches. During my observations on successful candidates, I learned how to produce a better application. I exposed myself to various experiences. I was being more eager to reach my goals. Finally, I was accepted to several top universities.

Although it seems a happy ending story, I had regrets. Why did I not try to choose a different country at the time? Why did I not apply to this university? It was all about ‘why?!’. Yet, I realized that questioning the past would lead me to nowhere. I shifted my energy from regrets to fuel to move forward and improve my performance.

I am aware of turning into a positive comparison is not a piece of cake. It takes determination and practice. But we are creatures who are eagerly and constantly learning.

So, are you ready to try?

2. Am I seeing the bigger picture?

Some time ago, when I opened my social media, I saw a plethora of Meghan Markle’s pictures on her wedding day. I thought she had the best course of her life. Marrying the royal. Staying in the castle. Financial was not an issue. A bright future was guaranteed.

Within seconds, I recognized all my shortcomings. I ended up feeling like my life was miserable.

Soon to be told, her life was not as easy as I used to imagine. There were dilemmas, struggles, and drama inside.

Frankly, we frequently fail to see the whole scenario of a situation because of our self mechanism, which is selective attention.

That term refers to a process that directs our awareness of the things that matter to us and ignores other information that is not relevant. This scheme helps our brains to filter data and makes sense of a situation considering the limited capacity our minds have.

Many could endure Meghan Markle’s syndrome, wanting that seemingly perfect life. But we missed knowing that her gracious smile behind the wedding’s veil was filled with pressures and distresses.

And it was our brains’ fault for not noticing the bigger picture (sorry brain). Although they did their splendid job, which was filtering crucial information, they were not trained to analyze a deeper context.

But I have good news! As the saying goes, “practice makes perfect”, so does the brain. The skill to see a bigger picture is about numbers of practice.

Findings from the University of California, San Diego showed that regular training in doing a certain activity (such as seeing a bigger picture) could influence the pattern of our behavior. Once we got the hang of it, the brain would work automatically.

Gaining the skill to see at the macro level makes us not quick to judge. Start practicing our mind to visualize a broader view, not only on the bright side but also the opposite. Be more critical. Ask questions to help you assess a situation, such as “what does she sacrifice to get there?; “how much effort did he make to reach that position?”; “what were their struggles during the process?”. Keep in mind that life is about ‘take and give’.

Surely, it takes effort to practice such a tendency, but you will get there. It is just a matter of time.

And anyway, nobody is perfect, isn’t it?

3. Am I progressing?

Looking back a few years ago, my writing was remarkably awful. I could not write one page of a paper because I did not know how and what to write. My words left me. Mr. Grammar did not even dare to knock on my brain’s door. (English is not my first language)

But then, I practiced. I did an upward comparison in a positive sense. I started searching for better articles, studying their style, attending some writing classes, and heeding advice from my supervisors, lecturers, and friends.

At the moment, I have produced articles (academic tasks mostly and now, medium!). I can see myself is progressing. Although my current writing is not as beautiful as Tim Denning, I learned from him.

And I know I am way better now than my past self.

Comparing with others is prone to negative impacts if we are not careful in making the gap between inspiration and despair.

However, comparing personal progress, especially on my former self and the improvements I have achieved, truly excites me.

As the study revealed that temporal comparison solely focuses on us. It centers on our own self-development that measures how we performed in the past and what we want to be in the future. Such thinking assists us in doing fact-checking so that we can structure our goals in a practical way that suits our skills and needs.

Being competitive by thinking about the differences of others and trying to surpass each one of them is an exhausting path. I am certain that we had already a lot on our plates. It will drag us down if we keep looking at others. There are always people who are better than us. Face it.

Humans will never be truly satisfied. We are always chasing a better possibility. That is our instinct.

Rather than running on people’s races, why don’t we run on our own track?

We live by comparing and will always do. However, the consequence of the action, either feeling discouraged or inspired, is on us. Rather than resisting ourselves to not doing it, we can manage our way of dealing with it by remembering these questions:

1. Am I looking for a positive comparison?
2. Am I seeing the bigger picture?
3. Am I progressing?

Let’s have a healthy comparison!