If Your Thoughts and Feelings Don’t Determine Who You Are, What Does?

You don’t have to be defined by the thoughts and feelings that pass through your mind. You can be is much more. Here is how.

I recently authored an article in which I wrote;

My thoughts come and go; I remain. I am not my thoughts.

My emotions come and go; I remain. I am not my emotions.

But that leaves one big question: If I’m not my thoughts or feelings, what am I?

My Insight

My insight on this question came from an unpleasant event. I had come home from a long, hard day at work and just wanted to sit quietly. My wife had spent her exhausting and difficult day with our young family and needed to vent her frustrations.

The moment I came in the door, I felt like I was under attack. My wife cornered me in the entryway and harangued me about the frustrations of her day and how burned out she felt after a whole day with three people who could not give her enough space to use the bathroom in private.

While she vented her exasperation, my feelings boiled to the surface. I felt guilty for leaving my wife alone to contend with our children. My face flushed with the shame of being away all day. Frustration that I couldn’t be the kind of family man I felt my family deserved gave me an ache in my gut. As I interpreted my wife’s effort to let out her frustration as an attack on me for my failures, my chest constricted.

Where did those feelings come from?

I was overwhelmed by negative thoughts and feelings. But where had these they come from? I had not chosen them. Instead, they had arisen unbidden from some unconscious source of pain and guilt.

We Risk Living in a Dream

When we dream, we accept that the things that happen in the dream are not the result of conscious choices. You don’t choose what you dream about and certainly would not choose to dream about many things you do. Instead, the dreams arise spontaneously from subconscious parts of your mind.

Because we are asleep and thus unconscious at the time, we accept that most of what goes on in our dreams is not of our conscious choosing. But the same is also true when we are awake. Thoughts and feelings arise from subconscious sources without your choice or consent. When you fail to realize that most of your thoughts and feelings occur independent of your deliberate choice, you are living in a dream.

Like our dreams, most thoughts and emotions arise without conscious choice.

Back to the Conversation

My primal brain was screaming at me to escape that agonizing situation in one of three ways: fleeing by running away, fighting by striking back, or freezing by tuning out my wife’s words. I felt myself building up to a shouting fit about how hard my day was and how unfairly I was being treated. A reaction that would have only made the situation worse.

At that moment, between the build-up of my feelings and any reaction that would have made the situation worse, I had a moment to choose how I would respond consciously.

I recognized the thoughts I was having were not helpful. The feeling I was experiencing would fade away as quickly as they had come. I had not chosen those thoughts and feelings. They had arisen on their own, and they would fade away in the same mysterious manner as long as I did not fixate on them.

Those angry thoughts and hurt feelings were not me because they were transient. I am not transient; I am something more. But, there was one feeling I knew would never fade away.

The Feeling that Never Fades

I reminded myself that I loved my wife and my family. That love is one emotion that never fades. No matter what else I may be feeling or thinking, that love is always there. Unlike most of my other feelings, my love is not transient. Like me, my love remains. That love is who I am.

My thoughts come and go; I remain. I am not my thoughts.

My emotions come and go; I remain. I am not my emotions.

My love does NOT come and go; it remains. I am love.

Getting in touch with my love for my wife changed how I responded to this conversation. A moment before, I had been building to a knee-jerk reaction intended to soothe my hurt feelings. Now, I choose to respond in a more enlightened way.

I focused on my love for her and my desire to soothe her hurt feelings. I listened as she voiced her vexations and accepted this was how she felt. I did not judge or argue with her; I simply tried to understand what her day must have been like and how hard it must have been. Most importantly, I took none of it personally. This time, it was about her feelings, not mine.

Eventually, her wave of resentment, anxiety, and loneliness broke, and we were able to move out of the entryway and sit on the couch together. Dinner would be late, but that was ok. This way when we sat down as a family, we would all be able to enjoy our meal together.

Mind The Gap

Like in our dreams, thoughts and feelings often boil up unbidden from deep places. I did not desire to have the thoughts and feelings that flooded over me when I came in the door. Because I did not choose those thoughts and feelings, they did not define who I am.

There is a gap between when my thoughts and feelings arise and when I answer. A gap in which I react to my hurt feelings or where I could choose how to respond. It is in this gap that I selected who I am.

If you choose to react to the thoughts and feelings that arise when a stimulus occurs, that is who you will become.

If you go past your immediate thoughts and feelings and grasp your larger goals and values, that is who you will be.

Your thoughts and feelings do not define you; how we respond to those thoughts and feelings does.

Our thoughts and feelings do not define us; how we respond to those thoughts and feelings does.

Between Stimulus and Response.

Between stimulus and reaction, there is a space where we can choose how we will respond.

Usually, we react to things that happen rather than respond. A reaction is an automatic action — an emotional knee-jerk response to a hurt feeling.

The danger with reactions is that they’re intended to soothe our hurt feelings rather than to deal with the problem. Our reaction is a default that we jump to without thinking, and it usually comes from our primal past as either flight, fight, or freeze.

We react to our hurt feelings, not to the problem.

Reactions often make things worse

As you can imagine, reacting makes the situation worse rather than better. Striking back with angry words may temporarily relieve your discomfort, but it often worsens the underlying problem. I could have argued with my wife for being unfair, but that would have resulted in more hurt feelings and ruined the evening.

Another option in these trying situations is to choose how to respond. Expanding the gap between stimulus and reaction can create a small space to decide how we respond consciously.

How we choose to respond in the gap between stimulus and response decides who we are.

In deciding which thoughts and feelings to follow and which to let fade away, we determine who we are and who we will become.

How we choose to respond to our thoughts and feelings determines who we are and who we will become.

Transcendent Thoughts and Feelings

In responding to my wife, I reached past my immediate — but temporary — feelings to get in touch with my deep sense of love and my desire to be a supportive spouse.

Feelings like love that never fade are transcendent because they transcend how we feel in the immediate moment. Transcendent feelings keep us in touch with what we truly value.

It is not the flighty, everyday thoughts and feelings that define who we are; it is our transcendent thoughts and emotions that define us. And when we act on our transcendent feelings and thoughts, we decide to become something better.

It’s not thoughts and emotions which spontaneously arise that determine who you are. Instead, how you choose to embody your transcendent thoughts and feelings decides who you are.

How you choose to embody your transcendent thoughts and feelings determines who you are and who you will become.

Opening the Gap

Choosing a more enlightened response requires connecting with core values and emotions.

Tapping into those thoughts and feelings that do not fade, means tapping into who you are. Choices you make will fit with who you are and want to be. Will these choices always be the absolute best? Maybe not, but you can be confident that these decisions will not work against you, and so much of getting ahead in life is just not working against yourself.

When you feel those dream-like thoughts and feelings boil up, take a moment to get in touch with your deeper values and transcendent emotions. Ask yourself what kind of person you want to be. Then, choose a response that fits those transcendent values and emotions rather than reacting to your immediate feelings.

Much of getting ahead in life is not working against yourself.

Transcendent Emotions

I have mentioned love in this article, but other transcendent emotions may be more appropriate depending on the situation.

Here are some examples:

Awe: The feeling of wonder and amazement in the face of something grand and beyond human comprehension.

Gratitude: A deep sense of appreciation and thankfulness associated with recognizing the blessings in your life.

Love: A powerful emotion that goes beyond mere attraction to encompass selflessness and compassion.

Compassion: The ability to empathize with the suffering of others coupled with a desire to alleviate that suffering.

Joy: A more global feeling of happiness that goes beyond momentary pleasure and often leads to contentment.

Peace: A state of inner harmony and freedom from disturbance.

Elevation: A feeling of moral inspiration and uplift, usually triggered by witnessing acts of excellence.

Transcendent Love: A love that goes beyond personal connections and extends to a sense of connection with all of humanity.

Ecstasy: An overwhelming sense of intense joy usually associated with spiritual experiences.

Hope: A positive expectation for the future. The belief that things will get better.

Summary

You are not your immediate thoughts. Those thoughts come and go; you remain.

You are not your immediate feelings. Those feelings come and go; you remain.

You are your transcendent thoughts and feelings because they do not come and go.

Who you are is a choice you make when you either react to your immediate thoughts and feelings or deliberately respond to your transcendent values and emotions.

Cultivating your values and emotions can help you choose your response and shape your identity.

Responding instead of reacting may not always yield the best outcome, but it can prevent self-sabotage, which is often sufficient.

Conclusion

You are not your immediate thoughts and feelings; you are how you choose to respond to those thoughts and feelings. Choose to transcend the immediate feelings and focus on your transcendent emotions to make decisions that will help you become who you want to be.