If Your Date Trash Talks Their Ex, Ask These 4 Questions

Let's polish this turd…

A friend recently went on a first date with a guy who bashed his ex…for over an hour. She was trying to get to know him, but instead, she got to know his ex. Brutal.

But my friend made a fatal mistake. She asked this guy a question you should never ask on a first date — "How did your last relationship end?"

This question is dirty pool. Insecure people often ask questions about someone's past to protect themselves from future hurt. If you only look for deal breakers, you will find them. As Kierkegaard understood, love may be understood backward, but it must be lived forward.

Sure, you can discuss these sensitive topics after a few dates, but you shouldn't be rehashing someone's past on a first date. And if you open that can of ex-worms, don’t be surprised when vipers slither out.

Still, sometimes a date can launch into a one-hour dissertation on why their ex sucked without any prompting. When that happens, ask the following questions.

Tell me the story of how you first met your ex.

One night, I was out with another couple, and they were bickering about whose turn it was to put the baby to sleep. Whenever you have two exhausted parents, the smallest squabbles can escalate to Defcon level 1 anger.

So, I interrupted their argument and asked them to tell me how they first met.

It was like I threw romantic pixie dust on them. Suddenly, their faces softened, and they were back in time, remembering how they first fell in love.

Since this incident, whenever a date gives me his ex's crime dossier, I ask him to tell me the story of how they first met. If the person is a raging narcissist, it won't temper their anger.

But if the person is processing pain, they will either get a little weepy or feel guilty that they are bashing someone they once loved.

I will probably get some pushback on this one. The standard advice is to change the subject. If your date makes one peevish comment about their ex, then yes, divert their attention back to the present.

But if your date has launched into a 20-minute diatribe on why their ex sucks without coming up for air, changing the subject only pushes the dirt under the carpet.

More importantly, this refocusing on happier times tells you what stage they are in processing their pain. When we begin to heal after a breakup, we can see the weaknesses AND strengths in our past relationship.

If I were to sit down with your ex, what would THEY say was the reason you broke up?

One caveat: Skip this question if their past relationship was abusive.

But if the breakup is your standard bitter narrative, this question reminds the trash-talker that they are attacking someone not there to defend themselves. It takes two to break a relationship. But a narcissist will never shoulder any of the blame.

Of course, when a breakup is still raw, most people are still processing their pain. Some will stew in a victim mentality and become miserable people. But others will forgive and, over time, understand why a relationship ended. This question uncovers a crucial healing stage in every breakup — Do they recognize the role they played in their relationship's demise?

Unfortunately, it is very easy to see your ex as the villain in this narrative and very hard to look in the mirror and see the same monster. Some people need time to confront their monsters.

What was the one quality you most valued in your ex?

Unless your ex was Jeffrey Dahmer, you can find something nice to say about almost anyone. Even Mussolini made the trains run on time.

When I ask this question, you would be surprised (or not) by how many men respond by listing their ex's physical attributes. Somehow, I have a tad less sympathy for a guy's victimization tales when he tells me he chose his ex because "She had a nice ass."

Yeah, sorry. If you chose a sausage for its casing, don't be surprised when the mystery meat gives you the runs.

But if a man responds that he appreciates her loyalty, wit, intelligence, honesty, or generosity, I know he is processing pain, not hate.

We often mistake pain for hate. But people often speak ill of the dead as part of their grief process. Grief is never linear. Anger is one emotion that can taint every stage of mourning.

To be clear, you should never ever trash talk your ex to a new love interest. No exceptions. Save it for your therapist or your burn book.

Which brings me to the most important question…

Are you seeing a therapist?

I hate to be cynical, but anyone trash-talking their ex most likely does not have a therapist. That's why they are on a date. It's a chance to emotionally dump on a stranger…for free.

Not to mention, it is usually a sign they are lonely. If the trash-talker had friends, strangers wouldn't hear their tale of woe.

But if they are seeing a therapist, then you at least know they are trying to understand why their relationship ended.

When someone trashes an ex, they are like a dog pissing on a fence post. Dogs and the broken-hearted return to piss on the same spot. Don’t be surprised if that relationship isn’t over.

Most self-proclaimed relationship gurus will advise you to run from anyone who trashes their ex. Yes, you should be cautious. Disrespect or contempt is usually a screaming red flag.

And let's face it. If someone is talking about their ex, they probably still have feelings for their ex. When someone trashes an ex, they are like a dog pissing on a fence post. Dogs and the broken-hearted return to piss on the same spot. Don’t be surprised if that relationship isn’t over. I have heard too many stories of someone vilifying their ex one moment and then getting back together the next.

But while this behavior usually doesn't bode well, sometimes you should hit the pause instead of the eject button. And by pause, I don't mean putting your life on hold while they process their breakup. You continue to date while putting the trash-talker on the friendship backburner.

Just because someone is not ready to give and receive love doesn't mean they will stay in that breakup limbo.

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