ME, THEE, AND THE WORLD AT LARGE

If You Were to Tell a 12-Year-Old Three Things To Foster Self-Contentment…

What would they be?

Author’s note: This is the first of a series I am testing where I share with 12-year-olds small, teaspoon-full ideas to manage life. The title will change but not the message.

Adults have so much to say, and some of it might actually be useful. The rest should go in the waste bin while you figure out for yourself what matters most. After all, it is your journey, right?

So here is a 65-year-old mom and now grandmom with only three messages that I think will help. If you are one of those kids looking for extra credit homework, I offer two more ideas at the end. They will sound simple but don’t be fooled. They’re actually very hard.

Message #1: Keep your eye on your mat

What could I possibly mean by this, and why does it even matter?

I mean that paying attention to what makes you feel good is far more important than observing what the person next to you is doing. Maybe they are stretching different muscles. The body and mind are different for everyone, and what matters most is paying attention to what you need.

In my family, I have one person who likes to sing his way to contentment. Another is an avid hiker. Still, another does rap and plays basketball. Me? I bake, play tennis, and write to find my peace.

Why is keeping our eyes on our mat so hard? Because we often tend to compare ourselves. Maybe we want to do as well on a test. Or be as fast on the court. Or be as creative in our drawings. Or… you get the idea.

But by keeping our eyes on our mat, we can focus on what makes us feel good, which will inevitably make us happier and even healthier.

Message #2: Good is great

True story: My brother was in 6th grade and doing well academically. But he wasn’t perfect (no one is), and he had a friend in his class who was every bit as strong a student.

When my brother would come home from school, my mom would ask two questions (keep in mind this was in the early 60s, so we knew much less about stress). My mom asked:

• What did you miss on the test? Invariably my brother got 96 or 98, so the misses were very few.
• How did Barry do? (the other strong student)

My brother started getting stomaches, so my mom took him to the pediatrician. After spending time with my brother, the pediatrician told my mom, “I am going to have you and your husband talk to a doctor. You are putting too much pressure on him.”

My parents did just that, and they always said it was the best $25 they ever spent. They realized that they had accidentally made him feel sick by placing such high expectations on him. The questions stopped, and so did the stomachache.

We need to appreciate and value the word “good.” We don’t always need to be great. There is a very popular business book called Good to Great, and I like everything but its title. What if it was called “Good is Good.”

Instead of shooting for great, why not ask yourself,

Did I learn something cool today? Even better, did something make me laugh?

Answering those questions is, in and of itself, great.

Message #3: Soft squishy things matter too.

I know that we care a lot about data, and with the help of Google, and cell phones, and analytical tools, we have data at our fingertips that tracks just about everything.

Example: My husband wakes up every morning to check his sleep score. My son tracks a variety of basketball statistics to see how the Boston Celtics are trending. Baseball is loaded with statistics that predict success which is why the book MoneyBall became such a big hit.

And yet, there is what I call the “soft squishy stuff” of emotions that are very important and sometimes undervalued. Does your friend look sad today, and if so, why? Can you read their unspoken words? How are you at communicating thoughts and feelings that have no numbers attached?

If you think soft and squishy matters, then you will treat it so. If you treat it so, you will be rewarded by friends and family who feel heard. If they feel heard, you will have healthier relationships. If you have healthier relationships, you have lined your path for more happiness and contentment.

It goes like that.

Extra Credit

And now, for extra credit, here are two “helpers” that can also make a difference in your mood and overall happiness.

Helper #1: Find humor in your life.

Humor is like the sugar we add to our cup of coffee. It wakes us up and makes everything a little sweeter. If you don’t create humor, that’s ok. Being an appreciator who can find reasons to laugh counts just as much.

Remember: Creators need appreciators. Be one of them (or both).

Helper #2: Don’t be a know-betterer (my word)

Know-betterers add data and explanations to everything because they think they simply know better than everyone else. They lack humility and can be very annoying.

Don’t be one of them. Listen hard. Ask questions. Respond with ideas. But be careful not to overly assert that you have all the answers. No one does.

Finally, it might be hard to do everything I’ve mentioned. Choose one and go from there. It’s what I call “chunking it,” and chunking works best.