If You Want to be Happier, Stop Abusing Your Inner Child
Feel like a 4 out of 10? Maybe even a 3…?
Your inner child is screaming out for you to come back.
It wants the love and attention it deserves, but instead, you’re out there doing someone or farting around with the wrong lifestyle.
You’re guaranteed to never find happiness this way.
So then, why do we abandon ourselves?
We were programmed to conform to society.
In toxic homes like mine, we were shown that we are supposed to let others cross boundaries.
My grandmother was an emotionally abusive woman. After my grandfather died, she started treating my brother and me as her little servants. We were expected to be at her beck and call whenever she wanted.
We were constantly criticized and admonished for being children.
My mother didn’t care. She was working all of the time and didn’t witness a lot of it. She was also too afraid to stand up for us. So where was my dad in all of this?
He lived an hour away, and we’d visit him on weekends.
Oh, and whatever bum or crackhead girlfriend was there at the time too…
He abused drugs at night while we slept. During the day we were usually by ourselves while he slept in until late afternoon.
I didn’t have a lot of choice in who I got to say NO to. The only way I knew how to stand up to crossed boundaries was with aggression or violence.
Fortunately, I grew out of that, but some people never do.
Let’s not forget the school system and what it teaches children.
“If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say it.”
As if we’re in control of someone else’s feelings.
This means acting nice to get what you want. That’s manipulation.
It feels slimy, doesn’t it? It goes against your values. Why in the world would you feel great about yourself when you pander to people who don’t give two flying fucks about you?
I remember that time I stood up to my ex after we broke up and told her how I felt about all the holidays she spent away from home without me.
It was liberating, but then I saw her tears. A day later I reneged on those words and apologized.
To this day I regret not what I said, but my apology.
It’s not just about being nice and letting people walk over me that has made me unhappy.
I’ve disowned my wants and needs as a young man. I used to be interested in some of the girls in school. Somewhere along the way, I faced rejection and embarrassment for my natural inclination towards the opposite sex.
To avoid further pain I rejected myself, that way no one else could reject me. I wasted away my 20s feeling alone and depressed. On the rare occasion when a woman pursued me, I declined because I worried about rejection (or perhaps things going well).
Now it seems like a scramble to un-fuck my limiting beliefs while I’m still young.
We’ll let the judgments of other people define us. Let it run our lives, and most people haven’t a clue that their whole lives have been under the control of some trauma.
They think: well, that’s just the way I am.
It’s time to start accepting yourself again if you want to be happy
No matter where you run off to, your problems will follow you. I thought if I joined the military, I would be granted unshakeable confidence and I could feel like an adult.
That didn’t work. My loneliness and depression simply followed me into my career. I didn’t listen to myself. A military career was never what I truly wanted to do.
It was a means to escape.
However, the consensus on “happiness” is as follows:
What you’re trying to chase after is a fleeting moment of pleasure.
We’ve developed this weird belief that the pinnacle of life is to live in a constant state of “feeling good”.
If you were to always feel good, is it still “good” anymore?
— Me
This is why so many people feel lost or aimless. Happiness isn’t about pleasure. It’s about finally accepting all of your emotions and your core being.
How have I started to “re-own” myself
I’m not the most impulsive person, but occasionally I’ll catch myself doing something stupid.
Take, for instance, the one time I nearly drove an hour away to hook up with some stranger I’d never met in person.
I was feeling a particular way, and almost let parts other than my brain think for me.
This woman wouldn’t come to me because she didn’t have plates on her car. She worked two part-time jobs, and she was okay with me just showing up at her house. Something wasn’t right.
I got into my car, but the whole time I was driving my chest was tight and my heart was racing.
Listen to your gut when it’s trying to tell you something.
I turned around a few miles out of my city and went back home. Ghosted her.
This story is just a piece of my life as one big coping mechanism.
- Join the military to get away from home
- Get out of the military and spend my free time playing video games
- Find a girlfriend so I won’t be lonely anymore
- Move in with (now fiancé), spend more time playing video games
- Become complacent and not present leading to a breakup
- Spend most of my time working, jacking off, video games, food, and a bit of alcohol
Does any of this sound relatable? It’s a safe bet that this is most people’s lives in some way or another. We don’t have a clue what we’re doing so we try different things to distance the way we truly feel about ourselves.
We weren’t meant to do stuff like this. Is this life of coping really what you enjoy doing? Sometimes it might feel like this is as good as it’s going to get.
Another useful thing I’ve started doing:
Cut out the wrong people. Don’t let them in your life. We’re too accustomed to letting anyone and everyone stick around because we feel obligated.
Recently I’ve become too caught up in messaging multiple people from dating apps. Often I’ll stay up way too late texting.
The next morning I’m too tired; it’s been affecting my ability to do things that I want to do later in the day.
I’ve also felt stretched thin and burnt out from investing so much, and getting little in return.
It’ll catch up to you. Eventually, you’ll feel like a husk. You’ll feel like you’ve lost track of who you were, or what you were even doing in the first place.
For example, the past partner I dated for two months wasn’t reciprocating the same amount of love and connection that I was investing in to her.
The whole situation wasn’t working. We split up about a month after I realized the relationship wasn’t headed anywhere.
You don’t necessarily have to write down a list of values… or your life’s purpose to know when someone or something isn’t right for you.
Start working on:
- Setting boundaries
- Listening to your instincts
- The amount of coping you’re doing
- Cutting out, or rejecting the wrong people from your life
Even a little bit of investment is worth it
The amount of effort you put into accepting and re-inviting yourself back to your own life will determine how lighter you feel.
Ever since I started this journey after my fiancé and I broke up, I am finally starting to feel more like myself again. Don’t interpret this as “relationships will make you feel lost”, but I never did any of this inner work before being with her.
Spend less time coping, and maybe use some of that time to “re-own” yourself through yoga, therapy, mindfulness, or time in planned solitude.
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