If You Want A Beautiful Life, Demand More Of Yourself

Even mid-pandemic, low expectations are a road to nowhere.

I have a long history of flaking on commitments to myself that only changed in the last few years.

Most of the time, it looked like numbing out with TV or video games, but sometimes it looked like hiding behind busy work. If you want an example, I once decided I should handmake every product I used. I whisked shea butter and coconut oil into moisturiser; I measured and mixed vinegar and oils into minty cleaning sprays; I once hunched over the kitchen table for 5 consecutive hours attempting to bind my own notebooks from scrap paper.

In my heart, I knew I was avoiding creating a life more in line with my dreams and values, but I always came up with a reason why now was a bad time.

Then the pandemic hit, only a few years after I’d finally got my act together. Almost immediately, I noticed a huge outcry against productivity or expecting too much of ourselves. “It’s a pandemic, it’s okay if you don’t exercise or pursue your hobbies, or you drink more alcohol” was all over social media.

This attitude brought up a lot of uncomfortable feelings, because every time I decide life’s too hard and it’s okay for me to spend all week swaddled in a duvet watching period dramas, my life quickly unravels.

Yes, all I really want to do is play Animal Crossing in bed, but ultimately it won’t make me happy.

I feel vulnerable writing that I don’t think the pandemic should be our ticket out of productivity because it’ll likely be unpopular; hell, it’s unpopular with me because I desperately don’t want it to be true.

I know we’re all fraying around the edges right now, but I've tried both ways of living through difficult times: accepting unproductivity and gently working towards my goals. The latter, though hard, makes for more happiness in the end. Because here’s the thing: aren’t many of the things we most avoid those best for us?

Most of us don’t leap up on a Saturday morning raring to exercise or to work on our novel, but it’s not because our moods aren’t improved by them. It’s a paradox of life that what we most want in the moment doesn’t always lead us to real fulfilment.

There’s hustle culture and then there’s meaningful productivity.

I think part of the reason there’s been such a backlash towards productivity or having high expectations of ourselves during the pandemic is because we live in a hyper achievement-focused culture. When people say “look, this pandemic is hard enough, you don’t need to start a new hobby” they’re partly right, but they’re also missing a fundamental point.

No, you absolutely shouldn’t feel pressured into achieving something for the sake of it. If you couldn’t care less about baking, maybe don’t make banana bread just to be “productive”. That doesn’t change the fact that whatever is meaningful to you and helped you control stress before the pandemic is likely just as, if not more, essential to your wellbeing now.

We fall over when our expectations are only about results.

Here’s what I don’t expect of myself in 2021: to work until I burn out or push myself to breaking point or to fill every second of the day. But I do expect myself to do what I know works best for my mental and physical wellbeing.

For me, that means I do regularly write and do some form of daily exercise. Those are my tried and tested habits for a fulfilling life, but I’m not suggesting they’ll work for you. Maybe you can’t exercise or hate writing: you have to find your own liferafts and cling to them, especially in hard times.

I also don’t believe it’s even possible to achieve 100% consistency. Life is messy and complicated. Still, there’s a huge difference between trying and sometimes failing or taking sensible breaks and giving yourself a permission slip to completely give up.

There’s nothing wrong with us if we have bad days, but that doesn’t mean we shouldn’t be looking for solutions.

As someone who’s suffered from intense anxiety, I’m happy people are destigmatising mental health struggles by pointing out it’s ok to have unproductive days. But there’s a flip side no seems to be talking about: in order to be mentally and physically well, we usually have to take action and do those things that have helped us get out of a slump in the past.

As writer Jamie Varon puts it: “It often feels like people are arguing for their own limitations. They don’t want solutions. They want to stay where they are and find others to be there with them.”

I’ve been that person; I’ve made excuses to keep living an easy but unfulfilling life based on my chronic health condition or my anxiety, and it made me feel powerless.

Demanding more of yourself is ultimately only about your own happiness.

It’s absolutely okay to struggle to be unproductive, and it doesn’t in any way speak to your value as a person. That doesn’t change the fact productivity is good for our mental health, and for many of us, it’s a key stepping stone to a more joyful life.