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Abstract

ption>That’s a bunch of Xanax.</figcaption></figure>There isn’t anyone who could help me. I pray at night. I ask God to save me from myself. They say God answers prayers, but maybe His inbox is full. I’m sorry for not being the best son, daughter, sibling, or friend to you.I want you to know I love you. Even though it doesn’t seem like I do. I’m always trying to find ways to connect with you. But something interferes with our communication, and we end up arguing.I want you to know how I feel. I know I always seem angry or impatient. It is just hard living with myself. I want to stop doing drugs.But I’m afraid if I stop, what else would I have to live for? I desire to have a relationship with you. What I’m going to tell you now is something most addicts will never say. It’s because we live in denial of this truth.I don’t love myself. If I truly loved myself, don’t you think I would never let myself become this way? If I cannot love myself, I cannot love anyone else. If love is void of me, love is something I don’t possess.<figure id="fa90"><img src="https://cdn-images-1.readmedium.com/v2/resize:fit:800/1*C2oD2ZjaaoUa41m1mrLwoQ.jpeg"><figcaption>I got assaulted by another addict. I Had to get my head checked. Concussion.</figcaption></

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figure>I’m not asking you to understand me or feel sorry. I want you to know that I am this way. I don’t feel anything unless I’m high. It’s not because I want to escape. It’s not because I want to feel good. I want to feel. Outside of those first five minutes, my life is void.When I’m high, I’m not laughing up a storm. If I’m alone, I cry. It’s only in those few moments that I get to feel anything. I don’t enjoy getting high. I think about all the people I’ve lost. I overthink, and I’m up all night, days at a time, just thinking about how I could ever feel again.That’s why it seems like I’m always angry. I’m not mad at you. I hate myself. I’m not playing the victim. I’m crying because I’m the suspect. I’ve made my bed, and I have to lay in it. When I say I love you, even though I don’t feel anything — it’s because — I see things that many could never imagine.I know I won’t show up someday. I apologize. Whether I deserve what happens to me or if I’m innocent, at least you know this addict loves. Even if no one loved him.Let us hope and pray that these chains break and I can learn to feel and love again.But until then…Yours truly,[Insert the name of the addict you love here]</article></body>

If you love someone who is an addict, I’m writing this to you from them.

I need help and no one wants to help me

my daily dose of 60mg of amphetamine taken by me

I have wanted to talk to you about this for quite some time now. I could not find the courage to do so. You have given up on me. You’ve done everything possible to help me recover and live better.

This sickness, this curse, has the best of me. That is not an excuse. It is the truth. I’m not happy, ever. When in recovery, I’m thrilled at the thought of gaining my life back.

Once I’m back in the world, I desire more than ever. I’m out of control.

I’m becoming miserable as an addict when I’m high. This is the curse I’m telling you about. No matter what, I can’t be happy.

The only time I ever feel happy is the first five minutes after relapsing. It’s not that drugs make me happy or high. Drugs help me — feel — anything. Even in those five minutes, I’m slowly killing myself softly.

There isn’t anyone who could help me. I pray at night. I ask God to save me from myself. They say God answers prayers, but maybe His inbox is full. I’m sorry for not being the best son, daughter, sibling, or friend to you.

I want you to know I love you. Even though it doesn’t seem like I do. I’m always trying to find ways to connect with you. But something interferes with our communication, and we end up arguing.

I want you to know how I feel. I know I always seem angry or impatient. It is just hard living with myself. I want to stop doing drugs.

But I’m afraid if I stop, what else would I have to live for? I desire to have a relationship with you. What I’m going to tell you now is something most addicts will never say. It’s because we live in denial of this truth.

I don’t love myself. If I truly loved myself, don’t you think I would never let myself become this way? If I cannot love myself, I cannot love anyone else. If love is void of me, love is something I don’t possess.

I got assaulted by another addict. I Had to get my head checked. Concussion.

I’m not asking you to understand me or feel sorry. I want you to know that I am this way. I don’t feel anything unless I’m high. It’s not because I want to escape. It’s not because I want to feel good. I want to feel. Outside of those first five minutes, my life is void.

When I’m high, I’m not laughing up a storm. If I’m alone, I cry. It’s only in those few moments that I get to feel anything. I don’t enjoy getting high. I think about all the people I’ve lost. I overthink, and I’m up all night, days at a time, just thinking about how I could ever feel again.

That’s why it seems like I’m always angry. I’m not mad at you. I hate myself. I’m not playing the victim. I’m crying because I’m the suspect. I’ve made my bed, and I have to lay in it. When I say I love you, even though I don’t feel anything — it’s because — I see things that many could never imagine.

I know I won’t show up someday. I apologize. Whether I deserve what happens to me or if I’m innocent, at least you know this addict loves. Even if no one loved him.

Let us hope and pray that these chains break and I can learn to feel and love again.

But until then…

Yours truly,

[Insert the name of the addict you love here]