If You Have a Baby or Toddler, Please Accept My Mother’s Day Apology

Some Parenting Advice Is Easier to Write Than to Follow

I’ve written eight books for parents. Among them is a best-seller for which, twenty years later, mothers (and the occasional dad) still send thank-you notes. Many say it “saved” them. That makes me happy. But since October of 2019, when I rescued Rocky, I have felt increasingly guilty about some of the advice I doled out over the last many decades.

What happened?

I was once the mother of babies and toddlers myself, one of each gender. But I forgot how hard it is to care for a creature who needs constant attention, communicates in a language you don’t really understand, and is driven by impulses. I thought I remembered. And then I got Rocky. He was 11 weeks old.

Maybe all mothers have amnesia about the hard parts. They forget the pain of labor, a hard delivery, or those first few harrowing weeks at home. Otherwise, we’d stop at one (not that there’s anything wrong with having an only child).

In truth, when I co-wrote my first parenting book with a family therapist, my kids were teenagers. I was a grandmother by the time the Baby Whisperer books came out.

I stayed with my daughter for a few weeks to help out when her firstborn arrived. But Henry wasn’t my baby. I didn’t have to get up in the middle of the night with him, or make sure he was still breathing. If there was a problem, we called my collaborator Tracy Hogg — a real-life Mary Poppins who had all the answers.

So what alerted me to the error of my ways?

Rocky was younger than any of my other dogs when I adopted him — and I was older.

It’s tempting to blame age, but the difficulty I experienced then and now isn’t my lack of energy or agility. It’s the puppy and the constant demands. Day in, day out — feeding, walking, grooming, scolding. Rinse and repeat.

Lest you judge me as that kind of person — who thinks of a dog as her “child” — let me clarify: Puppies are not the same as babies. They never learn to talk and they never leave home.

Still, a dog — arguably, any pet you adopt and care for from infancy — is a sentient being, a living, helpless creature that has needs as well as feelings. He/she also senses your emotions — “reads” you — just as babies do from a very young age.

So, yes, caring for a puppy is, in some significant respects, not unlike caring for a very young child.

What I Got Wrong

I stand by my books; I don’t cringe when I now read the advice. “Wrong” might be too strong a word. But I was a tad insensitive about how hard it can be to consistently do what I and other experts characterize as “right.”

I told you to stick to the EASY routine-eat, activity, sleep, time for you-but your baby has other ideas. To be sure, a routine helps you keep track, observe and get to know your baby’s habits from the start. Predictability is good for the baby, good for the whole family. Same with dogs. The problem is, only you read the book! When Rocky first came to live with me, I’d watch the clock, feed him at the same time each day, take him out every few hours, and dutifully jot it all down. And yet on many days, he peed on the floor minutes after we got home. Young beings are anything but predictable.

I told you to “baby-proof,” but nothing really works except confinement. You put locks on the cabinets, plug up the outlets, and remove the breakables. I did all that and more when I brought Rocky home, even covered the sides of the rattan coffee table once he started gnawing on it. He teethed on the poster board instead. The only foolproof strategy was confining him to his “play pen.” (Moms, you could do that, too, but your generation seems to resist!)

I told you to be careful, but you don’t have eyes in the back of your head. Rocky steals shoes and shreds tissues. He no longer tugs on wires but every morsel still ends up in his mouth. Oh, the things he found when we lived in New York City-discarded pizza crusts, glass, gum, even a dead mouse. I have to be vigilant and fast. It is exhausting.

I told you to co-parent, but that never quite happens, does it? Every book recommends that Mom step aside; allow the other parent to feed, diaper, and kiss the boo-boo. Let the baby bond with him or her. But the other parent doesn’t check the cabinets for supplies or make the appointments or worry as much about the child’s behavior. The other parent claims not to know how or doesn’t do it as well. You try not doing — resist rushing in and rescuing — but we all know how that ends!

I told you to not to feel guilty, but that seems to come with the territory. I am sometimes a guilty dog “mother.” I second-guess myself. Am I doing this right? Am I doing enough? When it rains, and most sensible dog owners stay home, guilt overrides my common sense. He needs his run and to play with other dogs, I think even as I picture how dirty he’ll get. I’ll just bathe him…again.

I told you to remember that you are the grown-up, but some days it’s just easier to give in. Being “in charge” is a constant struggle. You’re dealing with a creature that wants to run into the road and thinks everything is a game. 24/7. No matter how many times I say, “leave it,” Rocky bites his harness as I try to put it on and then scampers off with the leash in his mouth, hoping I’ll chase him. I often do.

I told you that when all else fails, turn to an expert, but it’s still on you. The Baby Whisperer herself often said that some personalities are simply harder to handle. Some were “angel babies,” while others were “spirited” or “grumpy.” I have a spirited puppy. When he was five months old, attending Bauser’s Pet Training in Miami, the owner, Christine Snelgrove, recommended that I read Training the Hard to Train Dog At “graduation,” she suggested that we take the class again. I recently contacted a trainer in Paris. How well “we” do will depend on my follow-through and patience. It’s always on Mom.

And so, dear Mothers…Happy Mother’s Day!

My apologies for…not remembering how hard it is all is, how exhausting, how frustrating — and how no one can do it for you. Babies and toddlers, like puppies, don’t give you a break. You’re always on duty — off only when they sleep. And then a few hours later, the cycle resumes.

So if no one brought you breakfast in bed this Mother’s Day morning or offered to take that baby or toddler off your hands for the day, here’s my best advice:

Call your mother (or any older woman you love and celebrate). Your mother will probably jump at the opportunity to take care of her grandchild(ren). Like me, she might have forgotten how hard it is. But not to worry: At the end of the day, she gets to go home!

Originally published at https://melindablau.com on May 9, 2021.