If You Had Known Me……

(Before)

My child (A), nineteen now, tall and strong, kind and gentle, sweet smile, fierce heart, my heart.

“Making the decision to have a child is momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body.” — Elizabeth Stone

So different, such a different life to mine, when I was there, at nineteen. I was in a city, studying for my degree, but I was a mess, I wonder what you would have made of me, if you had met me before…

I sat in lectures, researched, read mountains of books (yay!), made notes, wrote assignments, worked hard — but I also played hard, drank hard, clubbed, danced, drugged….fucked, hard.

I was someone different by night, out of control, out of my head, out on my own. I was fun to be around, out drinking, dancing, people were drawn to me, I was a likable drinker, but there was never anyone hanging around, watching my back, seeing me home safe at the end of the night.

I had a strong Death Drive (per Freud). More than once, I could have died. I was raped. I was assaulted. But I kept up with that risky behaviour, because there was that part of me that wanted MORE, wanted to see The End of me.

I had friends…

Did I? There were people I shared houses with, shared lectures with, shared my wild drinking hours with — but friends?

Would you have liked me? Wanted to be my friend? Or kept a wide berth? Seen my broken, dangerous wild streak and been afraid? Actively pushed away. You’re perceptive, you would probably see that I was a whole world of trouble — but would you see beyond that, deeper to the pain and self hatred deep inside me?

I wish you had met me before — but I’m afraid of how you would have seen me. How you would see me now if you knew.