If You Feel Like The Left Out Friend, Read This
Get yourself out of the “fifth-wheel” zone
I was delighted to count myself in college among a cool 5-friends group, only it was short-lived. In no time, I’d become the one who the sidewalk wouldn’t fit, the friend behind the scenes, and the camerawoman for their Instagramable #frienship_goals photos.
Growing up, it’s easy to fall into the regimen of a society that only acknowledges tribes and fails to see individuals. You simply want to fit in, share that sense of group identity.
At your school, in your college, or workplace, there’s always the group known for throwing the best parties, the nerdy mathletes, the art-crazed crew, the teacher pets, or bosses’ suck-ups, and the average group — I belong to the latter.
The ‘average’ circle is friendly, diverse, knows people here and there from every other group, is against the stereotyping of our community, and invites whoever to hang out.
My friends were so inclusive and empathetic, yet I always felt like a burden. How come? It didn’t make sense to believe I’m left out by a friend group that I basically co-founded. I was never alone but totally lonely.
If you’re in the same boat, let me preface by saying the truth is going to hurt you.
The situation I was stuck in followed a 3 ingredients recipe to get this bad. And the chef was none other than me.
You’re too hung up on the concept of ‘friend squad’
Some classes in college naturally require non-individual projects. As soon as the professor parted his lips one time “You have to work in pairs”, I was met with my first self deprecating flag.
My four friends had grouped themselves into 2 pairs in a matter of seconds and I were to work with a colleague I’d never spoken to before. To be honest, they’d apologized so that I don’t feel bad — which didn’t cut it for me.
When I’ve seen other people request working as trios, or at least discuss for a while how they’ll manage, I realized I was the friend no one misses.
Sometimes, when you get that new job or take that new course, you worry too much about being accepted by your peers and more important matters slip your mind. What truthfully happens is you try to fit in but forget to belong.
You work your way into a group and when you’ve accomplished that, you relax your communication muscles. You think the hard part’s over, you’ve got somebody to lean on — I mean I believed I’ll do only quintuple-type activities with my ‘squad’. I was clearly wrong.
My eyes were on stalks when one college afternoon, I see two of my friends walking home together only to later reveal one has been helping the other with Calculus homework all throughout the year. It sounded incredulous to me that they had this other life outside the 5 of us — I thought we did everything together.
Only then had I realized why I would be the first they let go: I squeezed my way through the group and forgot to form individual bonds. I wasn’t communicating One-on-One with any of them and had just become aware of it.
Robin Dunbar, head of the Social and Evolutionary Neuroscience Research Group in the Department of Experimental Psychology at the University of Oxford states :
“There is something paramount about face-to-face interactions that is crucial for maintaining friendships. Seeing the white of their eyes from time to time seems to be crucial to the way we maintain friendships.”
Building this interpersonal bond within your friend crew doesn’t mean you’re rejecting the group’s amazing chaos and fun, it’s essential for your circle to grow stronger. You need to be more involved with each of your friends and occasionally have those chit-chats outside of the group.
Not only will you feel more comfortable and intimate, but it’ll rule out the left-out feeling you get because you can genuinely rely on your friends separately and not just as a “squad”.
How to cope
Hanging out every once in a while will guarantee to see different sides of your friends, to cherish varying memories of each other, and learn to value one another even more. Look your friend intently in the eyes and let the conversation flow — That is a fun relieving shortcut to happiness.
You have a big ego, They have a bigger fish to fry.
Recent research has found that your brain processes pain from rejection the same way it would process physical pain, such as having a broken arm.
Feeling left out or excluded is something we all experience some way or another, but you should know it’s temporary. When it’s crafted by the friends you thought were closest to you, a deluge of pain eats away at you.
Social rejection can bring on feelings of anger, anxiety, depression, sadness, and jealousy. I lived through a myriad of emotions when I was the last to know of hangouts or parties and jumped to a selfish conclusion — I thought my friends took me for granted.
I saw myself as a pretty valuable addition to the group, hence it felt justifiable to distance myself as a way to make my friends feel bad. I waited long for an apology, in the hopes of being noticed. But nada.
As self-involved as I was, I googled what I could do to make my friends acknowledge my anger so vividly aimed at them. I came across advice given by Psychiatrist, Dr. Carole Lieberman —
If you’re feeling like you’re taken for granted, Lieberman suggests you not complain or nag. “Instead, start being more mysterious and unavailable. Make plans that don’t include your friends— in other words, get a life [that’s] more exciting and interesting than you have had.”
Sow the wind, reap the whirlwind
I followed the words to a tee, made myself busy, got involved with other stuff and I knew for a fact, I turned some heads. However, I still never heard anything. My friends did their thing, and I did mine. Except, I wasn’t happy with the mental jousting I forced myself into.
How to cope
1. Misdiagnosis
I was mad at the awful advice I desperately looked up, but I was the one in the wrong. Had I read the entire thing, things could have been different —
If you realize you’re taking your friends for granted, you should talk to them. “Acknowledge to your friend that you realized that you’ve been taking him or her for granted and you want to make changes,” she suggests. “Ask him or her for input, such as how he or she has been feeling about being taken for granted and what changes he or she would like to see.”
Maybe I was the one taking my friends for granted. Was I all along pushing myself into the fifth-wheel zone?
When I ignored my friends’ text messages to paint the “busy life” idea, I was handing them the keys to lock me out of the group. I brewed the rage and was met with the same attitude. I was implicitly turning down any chance for them to reach out and solve our issues together.
2. Understand your feelings
When you are a hundred percent sure your friendship is endangered, it’s time to dig deeper and truly find out why your way within your group has been clogged.
That is what I did.
The first step you need to take is to identify whether you really want to belong to that group of people. Researchers have even found that it is painful to be rejected by groups we don’t like. So there’s a lot to re-evaluate within yourself.
- Are your feelings stemming from a place of hatred, or regret?
This question is crucial for your next move. Your lack of interpersonal bonds could be your subconscious trying to distance you because you have no genuine interest in staying friends with those people.
The anger of being left out will surge either way so don’t assume that your feelings mean you deeply care. I, for instance, found out I was desperate to have a backup crew, ANY crew— which sounds selfish — but is explained by the fact we’re all social creatures and constantly need friends.
If it doesn’t click, more compatible friends are out there, it requires effort and a lot of socializing to find them or some good luck.
- Try a little self-compassion
I knew there was no fixing my relationship with my group, the spark just wasn’t there and we weren’t on the same wavelength. I’ve decided not to put up with taking pictures I wasn’t included in and having nothing interesting to say in the conversations they lead.
I’ve forgiven my friends and moved on. For a while, I was completely alone but that’s exactly where you want to be to feel better and be true to yourself.
“The privilege of a lifetime is being who you are” — Joseph Campbell
I was giving myself pep talks every morning in the mirror:
“I am an interesting and fun to talk to-person” “ I’m a good friend and deserve good friends” “People enjoy my company”
You get the idea and yes, I agree it can be cringe-worthy but I believe it rewires the brain and boosts our self-confidence a little.
Letting your true self shine with no filters will bring in the people who make you work hard to keep them in your circle and who you really care about.
Final thoughts
Your journey can be totally different than mine: I evaluated my situation and feelings and knew I had to move on. It worked for me as I now have a group of awesome friends who I’ve known as a whole and as separate individuals. It’s the happiest I’ve ever been.
However, you may find that you prefer to patch things up with your existing crew. You may find the root cause of your feelings was in fact a genuine annoyance at a group you truly belong to. Talking is key and the only way for your friends to understand how you feel is to tell them.
Admitting you’re both in the wrong is the secret ingredient to flush the mind games down the toilet. Being left out was never solely their fault but partly yours too.
At the end of the day, you should never fully belong to something that is outside of yourself.
