If You Don’t Use It, You Lose It

A therapist helps his grandma overcome her fear of highways.

My grandma stopped working in 2012 and while I’d love to tell you her retirement was by choice, it, unfortunately, resulted from her aging out of capitalism’s standard of usefulness.

Though she’d been a dedicated employee of Kmart for over 18 years, she fell victim to the fact that they could pay a teenager a fraction of the wage to do the job of cashier faster.

Grandma struggled with grief for many years because of how Kmart let her go. Though she tried to find other part-time work, she kept running into the same barriers.

You’re too old, too slow, and don’t know how to work computers.

Fortunately for Grandma, she’s always been savvy with her finances, despite living most of her life in poverty.

She had purchased a brand-new car a few years before Kmart let her go; however, she had gotten into the habit of making double payments. So when she lost her job, she owned her car and wouldn’t have to worry about the bank repossessing it.

Forced into retirement, Grandma struggled to find ways to occupy her time.

When she worked at Kmart, you could find my grandma constantly out and about. Going out of her way to visit the mall on the other side of town or driving to the neighboring town to go to the “nicer” Walmart.

Grandma once had routines in place to create a full life for herself and having a car made that possible.

Being let go from Kmart shattered her sense of identity.

With no real purpose for getting out of the house, Grandma gradually settled into a daily routine of staying home and watching TV.

As months turned to years, Grandma’s isolation intensified, and so did her anxiety and introversion.

I spent those years worrying about how Grandma’s self-esteem and activity were declining.

Having benefited from psychiatry myself, I convinced Grandma to speak with her doctor about getting on anxiety medication. She was having frequent panic attacks, and there was only so much I could do to calm her down over the phone, as I lived hours away, pursuing my master’s in counseling and starting my career as a therapist.

Using my budding mental health skills, I also encouraged Grandma to get out more and even got her connected with a volunteer gig at the local soup kitchen.

That got her out of the house at least once a week.

When I’d visit, I’d check the mileage on her car to see if it needed maintenance. The odometer made it clear that the car sat in the driveway mostly unused.

Over time, her driving ability, safety, and confidence declined.

If you don’t use it, you lose it.

Enough is enough

Fast-forward to 2019.

I was living about three hours away from Grandma, had gotten married, received my counseling license, started my private practice, and was awaiting the arrival of my daughter, Mya Jayn.

Grandma was still struggling. The few family and social supports she had in Roanoke, Virginia were unreliable and/or toxic. Though I’d visit, call, and facetime as often as I could, something needed to shake.

Though Grandma hates change, I took charge and let her know that I’d be moving her to Richmond, Virginia, so that we’d be in the same town. Though she’d declined this offer a few times in the past, the fact that she had a new great-granddaughter on the way convinced her to make the move.

The driving avoidance was worse than I thought!

In preparing to move Grandma from Roanoke to Richmond, I asked her if she could drive her car up Interstate 81 since I’d need to drive the Uhaul and my wife would need to drive our car back.

Grandma had a complete breakdown at the thought of driving on the highway.

While Grandma had driven less and less since being let go from Kmart, I hadn’t grasped the magnitude of the driving anxiety she had developed; more specifically, the fear of driving on the highway.

Yikes. I probably shouldn’t tell her that her new apartment sits next to the highway and that she’d need to use the interstate to visit us…

I solved the problem of getting her car to Richmond by paying Uhaul extra to hook up one of those car-towing ramps to the back of our rented moving truck.

Once settled into her apartment, I took Grandma on short trips to the neighborhoods and shopping centers near her apartment to get her acclimated.

I’m not getting on that highway!

Though using the highway is the most efficient way to get around in Southside Richmond/ North Chesterfield, Grandma refused to consider this option if she was behind the wheel. So I chose my battles and even served as her on-call GPS when she’d inevitably get lost taking the back roads when I wasn’t with her.

My plan was to eventually help her overcome her highway anxiety. I’d circle back after the baby was born, my new business was running smoothly, and Grandma was less anxious about being in a new city.

Wanna make God laugh? Tell him your plans.

My plan would've worked too…

A few months into getting Grandma settled into her apartment and welcoming Mya Jayn into the world, Coronavirus stopped life as we knew it.

People stopped leaving home, driving, or shopping. After all the plans I put in place to bring Grandma to Richmond, living a full life no longer seemed like an option to any of us because of the pandemic.

During COVID, Grandma’s isolation turned into full-blown agoraphobia.

Agoraphobia is an aspect of anxiety that involves intense fear and avoidance of places or situations. Triggers vary from person-to-person; however, universal symptoms include feelings of helplessness, feeling trapped, overwhelm, panic attacks/ emotional breakdowns, fears of getting lost, and trouble feeling safe in new, unfamiliar, or public locations. If not treated, agoraphobia can result in folx not leaving their home for extended periods of time.

For what it’s worth, a lot of folx developed a fear of leaving home and going into public places during the pandemic; however, given Grandma’s pre-existing isolation and lethargy since losing her job in 2012, she was nearly disabled by the time the health crisis erupted.

The new normal

Though Grandma isn’t as isolated as she was at the height of the pandemic, she’s still more sedentary than this therapist/grandson considers healthy.

I try to go out to lunch with her at least once a week. Until recently, she insisted I drive, despite her having a car that she barely uses.

In the past few months, I’ve been pushing her to drive more by refusing to drive us to lunch. She reluctantly got more accustomed to taking the driver's seat. It was then that I noticed how rusty her driving skills were.

So I bought her a brand new car with a backup camera.

Now that she has a safer car with great visibility, it was finally time to curb Grandma’s avoidance of taking the highway.

Get in loser, w̶e̶’̶r̶e̶ ̶g̶o̶i̶n̶g̶ ̶s̶h̶o̶p̶p̶i̶n̶g̶!̶ we’re taking the highway!

When I showed up at her apartment on Monday for our lunch date, she had no idea that I planned to facilitate some exposure therapy!

I was hungry and didn’t want to wait an extra 20 mins to get to the restaurant, knowing she’d insist on taking the back roads instead of the parkway.

How’d it go?

A picture is worth a thousand words.

Conclusion

You’re never too far gone to work through a problem… It also helps if your grandson is a licensed therapist specializing in treating anxiety with EMDR, lol.

Grandma’s got a long way to go before she regains her driving confidence but, with patience and encouragement, I believe she will be able to overcome her fears.

Thanks for reading!

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