If Women Want Gender Equality, Why Do They Expect Men to Pay?

We Can’t Pick and Choose, Ladies

If you consider yourself a modern woman, perhaps even a feminist, I have a question for you. Do you still expect your male counterpart to pick up the bill on your date?

I’ve noticed that it’s an unspoken rule that men should always be the ones who pay for our night out. But why?

Sure, I recognize the deeply ingrained female desire to be provided for and taken care of… perhaps this is biological or perhaps it is deeply imprinted in our DNA from thousands of years of having zero financial independence. Either way, I think it’s time we reconsider our expectations.

There are some caveats to this, of course. If your dream life includes being a stay-at-home mom at some point, it makes sense that you would want to find a man who can show you they can provide for you and your children.

But if you’re someone like me who doesn’t want kids and is interested in maintaining financial independence, does it really make sense to expect your man to pay?

I’ve noticed my own resistance to paying for dates because I want to feel like a queen and don’t want to feel like I’m supporting a man. But not too long ago my boyfriend called me out on this. We had gone out to dinner a few times in the past month and he had picked up the bill each time as I never offered to pay. When I asked if he wanted to go to breakfast one morning, he replied “Are you going to pay?”

It shocked and stunned me and I felt totally insulted. What, I wasn’t worthy enough to be paid for every time we went out? He had more money than me, after all. We had switched off paying for dates in the past but once in a while, I liked feeling like I was getting spoiled. So this sudden challenge to my belief system that I should be paid for whenever I wanted to made me do some self-reflection.

He told me he was more aware of this because his last girlfriend made him pay for every date and drained his finances substantially. He didn’t want to repeat the pattern. After getting over myself, I did pick up the tab and realized I needed to be fairer about sharing the financial load with my partner.

It got me thinking about the spectrum of this attitude. On one end of the extreme, there’s the woman who wants to be completely supported from being taken out to dinner to having a house and car provided for her. On the other end, there’s the woman who is responsible and independent and decides to financially support her man. As with most things, finding the midpoint between these two extremes results in balance.

Sharing the expenses of dates and life with your male partner is the fair thing to do. Even if you’re going on a first date, offering to split the bill sends a message of equality.

The feminist movement propelled women out of full dependence on men and allowed them to finally support themselves and live life on their terms. We demanded equal pay and equal rights, and for the most part, I would say we have gotten it. However, men want equality too and are often shunned and silenced for even suggesting that they are being treated unfairly.

But it’s true, men are also taken advantage of and treated unjustly. And often they are shamed by society for asking for fairness in relationships.

The thing is, going half-zies with your male date is both reassuring for him and empowering for you, the woman. It sends a message to the man that you will not be a leech, sucking his bank account dry. And when you as a woman pay, it sends a message to yourself that you are financially capable and independent enough to pay your own way in the world.

Being fair financially also eliminates the subtle expectation from the man that if he pays, you will put out. I’ve been on dates with men who would have sexual expectations of me after paying for my dinner. The age-old pattern of the man essentially owning a woman’s body because he has the financial power is still played out in our modern age.

Taking financial responsibility in a relationship can lead to more creative dates too. Women who want to be frugal can find ways to treat their men without an expensive bill. Making dinner at home can be just as delicious and even more special than going out (who doesn’t love being cooked for?). Buying food and wine to have a picnic in the park is a super romantic way to treat your partner at a fraction of the price. (These are good tips for men who want to skip the restaurant scene too!)

Point is ladies, if you believe in gender equality, it’s a two-way street. One person shouldn’t be solely responsible for paying for date night. Show your man you care about fairness in the relationship by offering to split the tab or switch off paying for dates. You will send a clear message that you have no interest in using him and every intention of having a relationship based on equality and mutual respect.

Much love ya’ll,

The Passionate Health Writer

This article was inspired by this piece from my friend Skippy von Alte Welt: